Living with ex

[Smoothasababy]

Hello. I’m living with my STBEXH and I’m finding it tough. We get on fine for days and then he loses it with me over my bad habits (eating too much, having no discipline etc). I used to take that from him once upon a time but now I don’t; so it creates tension and upset.

I’m finding it very tough.

It’s been really hard to find accommodation and I feel stuck.

I guess I just need some handholding or positivity. I honestly find myself sinking lower & lower & not sure what the hell I’m at!

You poor thing, it sounds awful, well he sounds awful. Why is he giving out to you about eating too much? Is it because there isn't enough for him? If it's about your appearance than he sounds abusive and nasty.

You need to make it clear to him that what you eat is your decision and as you're getting divorced you don't need his opinion on it. End of story.

No fucking MAN ever has the right to tell you what to eat. If there's not enough for him he can go and buy more himself.

Thanks. I’m coming around to seeing it that way. I told him I had put on weight so then when I eat treats - sometimes - he flips out. He lost it with me last night and I ended up feeling so crappy. There’s plenty food for him. I do most of the cooking & if anything I give him bigger portions. I’ve always been a little weak-willed - I’m not someone who’s always on a diet etc. I seem to drive him crazy. I told him I was down in the dumps yesterday and then he laid in to me about my eating. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down.

You have to disengage completely. You don't have to prove anything to him, and if he's abusive then that'll never happen anyway no matter how hard you try!

If you're separated, you are not meant to be sharing household tasks such as eating or washing the dishes, doing the laundry for each other, sleep in the same bed and so on. The sooner you do this the earlier your legal separation starts and the sooner you will get to the 2 years timeframe when you can apply for divorce, whether he likes it or not. That said, in your position I would apply straight for divorce right now, if you can afford it.

If abuse happens whilst you still have to live in the same house, call domestic abuse helpline and police. It's hard to courage up to it but in the long run it will mean you have a record of abuse and it will help you.

In the meantime work on getting stronger. Exercise, see friends (in a social distanced way), study/read, keep a diary.

I meant cooking more so than eating. You shouldn't be cooking for him. You shouldn't be eating together either if you are separated. It's none of his business if you put on weight or not.

Detach detach detach OP - please.
Why are you cooking for him?
You are separating.
You need to start living like housemates until you can escape.
He does all his own stuff.
You do what you want and eat what you want and when you want.
This arrangement of you cooking for him (and washing, cleaning, etc...) is no longer working for you.
So stop it!!!!
Do you have any family or friends you could go to for the weekend?

Thank you very much for the advice. It's tricky when we're still living together all right.

It's tricky but you have to do it.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with him what you eat and how much. Remind him of that, every single time he says anything. He has no right! 🤬

Thanks. Yes, that's the best line. 'What I eat has nothing to do with you.' He's a nice guy in many ways but he can be very controlling and I suppose I've been with him so long now, I'm used to it.