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Relationships

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Original poster

Some new friendship(s?) don't seem to cut both ways

16 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 04/06/2020 23:37

Be gentle please.

I have been blessed to make some new friends.

As some of you will know I'm not that good IRL at being assertive if I'm not 100% happy with something, as I don't like to lose friends.

The main one is with a woman who has a lot of problems. I'm genuinely interested so I 'let' her talk at length about these and ask questions etc.

Then I might talk about what I've been thinking/doing for a moment. She will start talking to someone else at the other end of the line during this. It often becomes clear fairly soon that she's taken that moment to talk to her cat! She then will begin to do so with her undivided attention and loudly, rendering my continuing pointless/impossible. I find this a bit annoying as it doesn't seem like she's putting the amount of effort and interest or whatever in that I am. Should I say anything?

Maybe part of it is we need to meet again IRL as there'd be less to distract her/ it's easier to focus on the person. But even so.

The other friend, she has a lot of different problems admittedly.

I'm very rarely down, but for one or two days a couple of weeks ago I wasn't my usual self and said I'd been a bit down. Both of these friends were like this; they said 'oh sorry to hear that.' Whereas I would say 'Aw sorry to hear that- what's the matter/ what's been on your mind?' The person then has the option whether or not they want to discuss it further or not.

Maybe it's just me lol.

Maybe I'm boring but honestly I do make an effort with people and am interested in them and don't find that hard to do. Even if someone was not conventionally interesting I would still be interested. I listen to them go on about all their stuff and do so happily after all.

OP posts:

Fatted · 04/06/2020 23:41

Let's be honest, they're not really your friends OP. They just want you as a sounding board, ego boost etc. I know you don't like to make a fuss, lose friends etc. But what is the point in having people around if they just drag you down like this. It's much better to be alone.

SoleBizzz · 04/06/2020 23:43

Time to audit your friends. She isn't a friend. You have e the right to be listened to. She is rude. Find others. Join meet up? You seem carung and you should try to meet other like minded adults. Just stop engaging as it serves you no purpose.

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 09:53

Thanks ladies. I just never seem to have much luck on the friendships front. It used to really do my head in, but the last couple of months I've been trying to see it as just not that important. and do my own thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 16:24

I just spoke to the one friend about the other, and she says the cat-chat friend is the same with her too. That makes me feel a bit better- maybe it's not that I'm mind-numbing.

OP posts:

Perfectstorm12 · 05/06/2020 16:30

Cat friend is not a friend. She's not interested in what you are saying, so you need to stop listening to her. Putting her cat ahead of you is just rude. I know someone who has done this to me, over and over. I am distancing myself from her over lockdown and beyond.
Don't bond with your other friend by moaning about cat friend, that's just a recipe for disaster! You're not mind-numbing, you just haven't found 'your people' yet. That doesn't mean you have to put up with people who don't give you the time of day!

Perfectstorm12 · 05/06/2020 16:32

Sorry, I just read your first line about being gentle...I don't think I was...but it's really not you, it's them! Be alone before being with people who are rude and ignore you. So many of us put up with relationships like this and we just end up feeling shit. You are worth more than that.

easterbrook · 05/06/2020 16:35

Some people will just say "Oh, sorry to hear that" and don't follow it up with questions, because they don't want to be nosy and pry into your personal business. It's a politeness thing.

redcarbluecar · 05/06/2020 16:36

Some people aren’t very good at reciprocating interest. Maybe give them a bit more of a chance but be prepared to ease off the friendships if you get nothing back. You sound like a nice person. Hope you’re ok.

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 16:48

Sorry, I just read your first line about being gentle...I don't think I was.

@Perfectstorm12 Oh you were as far as I'm concerned, it's fine. x

Some people will just say "Oh, sorry to hear that" and don't follow it up with questions, because they don't want to be nosy and pry into your personal business. It's a politeness thing.

@easterbrook I suppose so but it puts it back on me to try and think how to continue the convo, ask about them again etc, which is hard work to think of what to say, and when I might want a minute to go 'yes I'm a bit annoyed about X.'

I also think it's good in general in general for society for us to ask, so that people can talk about things that are on their minds. The theory is that it's good for people's mental health to talk or feel they can talk to those around them if they need to.

If the person doesn't want to talk about it they can just say they don't want to go into it.

I suppose we could say something like 'Sorry to hear that. What's the matter? If you feel like talking about it- if not it's ok.' Or something.

OP posts:

Ihavenicelegs · 05/06/2020 17:39

Hi OP, First of all I'm sorry you've not been feeling great. Hope things have perked up a bit.

The cat-chatter... I think that would be weird for me and I'm not sure I coud be friends with someone who talked to their cat instead of me while I was on the phone. It's rude and odd.

If a friend of mine said they had been feeling rubbish I would say the same as you probably - what's up, what's happened etc.and I would probably suggest doing something fun - a zoom chat with wine or something. Maybe now I'd suggest a socially distanced coffee in the garden.

If they didn't ask, then it could be as PP have suggested that they don't want to pry. You could address this by continuing and giving more information. You could then suggest doing something fun with them. So, take an active role in the friendship and be a driver. I totally understand where you're coming from though x

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 18:57

If they didn't ask, then it could be as PP have suggested that they don't want to pry. You could address this by continuing and giving more information. You could then suggest doing something fun with them. So, take an active role in the friendship and be a driver.

@Ihavenicelegs Thanks. I suppose if someone just says 'sorry to hear that' it can be awkward to talk more about what's on your mind as it can feel like you would be going on when they don't want to know. But I suppose it's ok to do so for a couple of sentences.

I think if it went :-

Me 'I've been feeling a bit down'
Friend:- 'I'm sorry to hear that.'
Me:- (Whatever's on my mind) + Fancy going out to the park next week?'

I would feel like I was a bit of a buzzkill coming out with stuff uninvited, and also a bit desperate if you see what I mean. I used to make all the running in friendships, suppose I mostly still am really. But no harm in trying/asking I suppose. Both of them are genuinely ill at the mo (not Corona) but will try and see them when they seem a bit better.

As to asking more about how people are, to me it's the same as we're advised to ask twice.

If you say 'hi, how are things with you?' Most people would go 'I'm fine thanks' even if they're not. So especially if we know they haven't been blissfully happy we're supposed to say something to seem open to hearing how they really are. www.time-to-change.org.uk/asktwice

OP posts:

Ihavenicelegs · 05/06/2020 20:53

I get what you’re saying... I suppose you read the conversation at the time. Some people’s “sorry to hear that” can be leading, allowing you to continue (if you want) and others can be the end of that particular avenue.
There’s no reason why you can’t offload a bit and then change the topic to something a bit brighter though.
I will quite regularly (especially right now as I’m at home alone most of the time) have a quick moan/gripe and then change the subject and have a giggle about something else.

What do you mean by doing all the running?

PollyPelargonium52 · 06/06/2020 06:07

I think in certain friendships one person does more giving and the other does more the receiving. I am v good at giving support and advice to people but sadly when I need support very few people are around and can be there for me. I think that for many of us that is the way of the world. All I can suggest is strengthen your personal boundaries and stay away from takers. Better far fewer friends than the wrong friends in my book. During lockdown I have learned to look after myself better by staying away from inconsiderate people who sap or drain me or are overly negative.

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 12/06/2020 14:34

What do you mean by doing all the running?

That I am/was making most of the effort, when they're not.

@PollyPelargonium52 Sounds like what you're doing is wise. I got rid of friend #2 first! I don't want to get into it, but she did something unpleasant in a way that was slightly like something I had from someone before and promised I wouldn't put up with from anyone again. Like you said, boundaries.

I don't have many friends, but I'm trying to learn to mostly make my own entertainment. I've never been like this before, but recently I've thought I'd been hurt by people too much before to bother with people much.

OP posts:

Ihavenicelegs · 13/06/2020 00:41

Yeah, there has to be some some sort of come and go. You need to play by ear and make choices (like it seems you have now) and assert boundaries.
Eventually you’ll have a nice set of friends who respect your boundaries and support is a two way thing .
You sound pretty sorted actually.

Original poster

NoMoreDickheads · 14/06/2020 00:29

@Ihavenicelegs Aww, that's very kind of you to say. I've learnt/thought of a new attitude in the last few months.

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