How do you know when it's really right and you love someone?

[HedgeHogFoxBadger]

I am struggling.
We dont live together so lockdown has been pretty tough although I have enjoyed my own time with my children aged 17, 13 and 5. He isnt really interested in my children. We have known each other for 3 years now. How do you know if you really love someone? I guess for the future I cant see us living together because of the kids and we both enjoy our independance but for me thats not a proper relationship.
My exH i let into my life after 2 months and he met my 2 girls, I look back and regret most of it although my girls loved him and we had a DD togther.
I am finding it very difficult.

Have you been together 3 years or have just known him that amount of time? it's a long time to be with someone who you see no future with.
Seems like it just wants the fun part of the relationship but nothing on a deeper level which would mean living together and bonding with your children.
It would 'feel right' if your wanting the same commitments and can plan a future together.
Would you not rather find someone that can love you more and accept your children?

• he not it

I recently ended a relationship for the same reasons, he wasn't into children and I wanted someone that can feel that they belong with us
I didn't want to waste more time on a relationship where I couldn't see a future and take the risk of finding someone better suited.

I’m not sure you

Well how did you meet him?

What do you need from him and do you think he can meet these needs? Do you feel able to give him what he needs?

Love isn't always instant and sometimes you think its love but its not. Can you see yourself without him?

Your children are not going to disappear, it would be better to be alone or be with someone who is open to knowing them too?

We have mostly been together the past 3 years, weve had a couple of breakups and teething problems in the first year.
He has a child and would rather spend his time alone with the child.
Since recently getting back together before lockdown he wants to make things work and wants us to be a normal as possible....
He will be moving half an hour away when lockdown is over (at the moment he is in the same village as me so I am not sure its a convienient thing too?)
He keeps telling me he loves me and I say it back but I am not sure.
I can see myself without him, i have done it before.

How do you know if you really love someone?

When you don't need to ask.

I was going to say if you can't imagine being without him, but I've just saw your latest post in which you said you can see yourself without him. That for me would be the final decision to break up.

Well in my mind “love” and it being right doesn’t seem consistent with your description of “struggling” and “difficult”. It sounds like you’re wanting different things from each other.

He's not interested in your children - that would be enough for me. There's no future here and if you've already broken up a couple of times in the 3 years you've been seeing him there's a reason for that. This doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me, it sounds like one fraught with difficulties and false declarations of love. You are probably a convenience to him. sorry OP if that sounds harsh. Find someone who genuinely loves you and is capable of loving your children without being so selfish.

When being with them feels like coming home.

When they are interested in the things that matter to you. I.e. your children.

If they're not, then you are being very selfish considering a relationship with them. Also, if you have to ask, it's probably not.

When you don't need to ask the question, when you have no reason to start a thread on Mumsnet about it.

Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel better or worse about being alive? Does he enhance your life? Does he enhance your children's lives?

If the answers are mostly no, there's no point to any of it anyway. It's just being more comfortable, not having to be single, not having other people judge you, not having to manage alone financially.

I feel happy when I see him most of the time. However he does things to annoy me and is very touchy feely which I dont overly like, well I do, just NOT all the bloody time. We talk and conversation is ok but he does like to go on.... In the whole time we have been together we have hardly been out, probably about 4 times for dinner or lunch, no family gatherings. We normally spend our time at his drinking and eating.
Does he make me feel better or worse about being alive? Neither really....
How does he enhance my life? I am actually not sure....
He has very little to do with my children, will pop round for a cuppa while my youngest is around and makes a bit of conversation with her, my older 2 stay out the way really.

It doesn't sound like it's really right. Sorry.

It all sounds a bit “meh” and like you’re with him by habit rather than because you really want to be with him.

How does he enhance my life? I am actually not sure....

Yeah that's not love.

It sounds like 'meh' not like love.

Has run its course I think!