Has anyone ever 'stayed for the kids' and NOT regretted it?

[mybeliever]

My DP is not terrible or anything but I just feel like I've outgrown him. If I was single I wouldn't choose him again. I was 16 when we got together and I just have different values now. But realistically I'm 22 with 2 kids and no real career (currently on mat leave), what exactly would I do if I left him? I don't think my kids would have a better/worse life either way, although it would potentially confuse/upset my eldest initially. We have good times and bad times together.

Any tips or advice appreciated x

In what ways is he rude to you? What do you have to bite your tongue about?

All the people saying the op is too young to stay, she’ll only be in her late 30s/early 40s if she does leave when the kids are older.

It’s a difficult one. I would hate to be with someone who didn’t do their share of housework/with the kids. He’s saying your time is far less important, and therefore you are less important than him.

But also if you leave you don’t know what could happen. He could demand a 50/50 split or he could leave the face of the earth and not pay any maintenance.

Does he know you want to leave? Does he know how serious his not doing his share is? Dp cleans but he also does lots of annoying things that I have asked him not to do many times. He was actually shocked when I said that automatically when I do things I think about his response, he just doesn’t think about (what he calls) the little things at all.

He will just moan at me about the most trivial things and then get all moody for an hour or sometimes longer. He always apologises but nothing ever changes. He will moan about my driving, leaving the fridge door open, forgetting something from the shop. He genuinely had a go at me the other day because I forgot to refill the ice cube tray. He will help with the kids but only on his terms, when he can be bothered basically. As I said he does play with them a lot. And if he puts them to bed one night, it's 'my turn' the next. Even though I often do it 3 nights in a row.

But we do spend most evenings together, he always plays with the kids when he gets in from work or cooks dinner. We manage to do family things at the weekend. Arguments aren't terrible and we usually manage to hide it, although he once called me useless in front of DC1 and I went ballistic.

He never ever used to be rude to me, this only started maybe 2 years ago?

I have told him how I feel. After suggesting demanding counselling the 3rd time, he promised he would buy some self help books as he doesn't have time or money for counselling. I think he got halfway through one and they are now gathering dust in a draw.

If he did this to me when we were younger, we'd have been arguing all day every day as I had a bit of a temper myself. Now I bite my tongue cos I don't want to argue over bloody ice cubes.

Oh I remember biting my tongue a lot too OP when I was married. I did it so that the kids wouldn't get upset seeing us argue. But then of course, he got wise to me doing it and he used to be vile to me in a low voice because he knew that I wouldn't stick up for myself in front of the kids. God, I hated him by the time I managed to get free of him.

I think it depends really. A lot of people don't realise that kids can sense an atmosphere or notice when their mum pulls away when their dad tries to hug them. I noticed all of this, as did my brother. A friend was the same, every year she used to write divorce on her Christmas list as soon as she knew what it was.

If you are still affectionate and are just a bit bored then I think that is different and you can try and recapture the spark a bit. I also think some people can be addicted to that feeling at the beginning when everything is passionate and intense. Someone else I know regrets leaving her marriage for that reason.

But I will say, if you don't love your husband but he loves you and you are counting down the days till it is acceptable to leave, it is unfair to stay. He deserves to find someone who loves him and shouldn't be miserable for a decision you have made. It should then be the case that you are at least honest with him.

Only you can know how you actually feel but you are very young to settle

I am staying for the DC, although I do still love my DH, or love the old version of him. He is not horrible to me, just selfish and indifferent. He is a good dad and my DC love him to bits. After the initial upset of coming to this realisation I decided to stay for the DC.

Reasons:

After a long think I have decided that I don't want to be with another man, at least for a long time anyway. I've had my fix of selfish men all around me and I need a very long break from them. I wouldn't want to live with a man again. So, I don't feel I am "missing out".

My DC share a lot of hobbies with my DH and I think they would want 50/50 with each other. This would kill me. Swapping being miserable with my DH to being miserable without my DC is a non starter.

I will spend the next few years improving my career prospects, taking up new hobbies, making more friends, sorting out myself and making future plans for myself. If I left now I would be broke and have to work in a crap job, all hours to make ends meet. I wouldn't be able to pay for any of my DC's hobbies which they love and are good at. In a few years I will be much better off. Meanwhile DH can pay for all that! He owes me due to his attitude.

I am a step child myself and I absolutely HATE it. I seriously dislike my SM and her family. It has caused me no end of tears and anxiety for most of my life. I have had to suck up so much bad behaviour and put downs from her for fear of losing my dad and I wouldn't do this to my DC. I would have no control over my DH's partners and how they treated my DC.

So, the lesser of all evils is to stay and make plans for best case scenario if and when I leave.

I am staying for my dd because my step mother was so horrendous, I just can't leave my dd open to that being a possibility. I know other mum's who are only staying to keep a sense of control, supervision and protection for their dc's sake.

I know other mum's who are only staying to keep a sense of control, supervision and protection for their dc's sake.

Spot on.

what exactly would I do if I left him?

Figure that our first. You're only 22, finish the degree and get a job to support yourself. Even if you do not plan to leave. Men who know you have no way out will often take advantage of that - and being a SAHM from teh start is very different from taking a few years off when you already have a solid CV.

I have to say though that even if it's not horrible, he does not really like you much, does he?

Lots of people on MN will encourage you to leave because it fits with their own story of moving on to something happier and everything working out fine. Of course, some genuinely are happier in new relationships, but I do think that some post when they are still in the honeymoon period. Two years into a new relationship is nothing, ten years is a better point to judge the success or otherwise of a decision to leave...

I have also read a lot of threads about the miserable situations that arise in blended families, where children (who have no choice in the matter) have to accept a new living situation or step parent that they never wanted and consequences begin to emerge in their behaviour, education or wellbeing.

In your early twenties you are both still maturing (sorry!) and I think that giving it a bit more time is probably the best idea. That will also help you to finish your degree and get your career underway.

I have to say though that even if it's not horrible, he does not really like you much, does he?

I genuinely don't know. He says he loves me. I think it's just the type of person that he is. It's not just me, he's not the type of person who would go out of his way to help anyone. I wouldn't choose someone who thought that way now.

The step parent thing scares me too. I had two and they both had a really negative impact on my life. I know I'd always put our DC first, but I'm not sure I could 100% rely on him to do the same.

I think it's only women that have these kind of dilemmas.
I asked my ex H if he was willing to sacrifice his happiness on behalf of the children having a stable home and it was an emphatic and puzzled 'no'.
I thought I could perhaps have managed it - for their sake. But no. It was horrible. Getting divorced was horrible too. But we are genuinely both happier now.
I wouldn't give advice to you OP - every situation is so unique but I do feel bad that you may be unfulfilled and miserable for years.

50/50 and he can only do bedtime once every few days? I seriously doubt it.

What if you only get this life and that's it? You want to spend it with him? Snide remarks and laziness? Do you enjoy kissing or cuddling? Are you still having sex? Does it make you happy or are you just putting up with it?

I won't say children are happier when their parents are in new relationships. My mum has awful taste in men and it was horrendous. However I'm not sure that the damage done from that is worse than the potential damage would have been from my parents staying together.

On the other hand my dad had lovely girlfriends who enjoyed doing things with me and my brother.

If I was you, I would leave.

I left a similar relationship. ExH was a nice enough bloke on the face of it but but like you, I met him very young (17) and I completely outgrew him. He was grumpy and did the bare minimum with the kids and acted similarly to your man with the negative comments etc. There were other issues in the relationship but essentially we had grown apart.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did! I'm in a new relationship now and he is my absolute best friend! We have a new baby and we are getting married. Meeting him made me realise how incompatible me and ExH were. My eldest struggled a bit at first with the separation but now we are all so happy. They adore my fiancé and their new brother and they can see what a real relationship should be like. My 2 eldest never saw any affection between me and their dad. We rarely spent time as a family and I didn't want them growing up thinking that is what marriage is. I want them to be adored and loved when they grow up and meet someone, like my fiancé is with me.

Everyone is happier. I get on well with my ex and he sees the kids very regularly. We get on so much better as co-parents.

Don't settle. It's important for your kids to be happy, but also for you to be happy. 22 is so very young.

"Be brave enough to break your own heart" (Cheryl Strayed) Read what she has to stay about staying in a relationship with somebody when there is a little voice whispering at you to leave. She left her first husband, even though she still loved him, because she knew she wanted more. I think she is very wise and based on your OP, she would tell you to go.

Did you feel like this after your first child too? I only mention it because you said you were on Maternity leave and having a baby to cope with on top of all the usual crap and an unhelpful H can really make you feel despondent about a relationship.

I agree with others about getting qualified and being more independent and plan your escape if that is what you need to do.

The grass isn't always greener.
But at 22 it's a lot greener than at 32,42,52 or 62.

I would leave in your situation.

Realistically, it's messy either way. My parents stayed together for us, I don't for one second feel grateful for living in an atmosphere of resentment, bitterness, anger, betrayal and lies. I wouldn't wish any of that on any child. Children are sponges, they are intuitive, they know exactly what's going on, don't assume that they can't see things for exactly as they are. They adjust to any environment they are in, and those adjustments can last a lifetime, and can take a lot of therapy to let go of.
I also don't believe it would have been plain sailing if my parents had separated, but just different. And for most of my life anything different feels like it would have been good.

I took the view that whilst I wasn't always perfectly happy, breaking up my DCs' family was highly unlikely to make me happier.

My ex-husband was better on paper than yours. Didn't put me down. Didn't argue. Didn't do much around the house, but worked hard.

But I didn't love him, and there was no way I could consider having sex with him. I knew, KNEW that I was ripe for an affair - and then the marriage would have ended horribly.

As it was, it didn't end great. But we were amicable enough to agree everything between us.

All this talk about the trauma children suffer - you are just as likely to have the experience I did. The ex husband is the one who got married, my son has a step-mother who is lovely, and a step-brother (he would never have had a sibling otherwise). Yes, you will probably not have the children with you all the time. But that means you have time without the children!

Over 10 years on, I am single, and very happily so. I would hate to still be married, and I hate the thought of how I would have deprived the ex of finding someone who loves him. Remember, staying married, doesn't come with any guarantee either. One of you might have an affair. Your partner might leave you - it doesn't sound like he likes you much if he can't hold in the criticism.

My son's view on it? When he was little he said he felt sorry for children whose parents were together, because they only got one Christmas. I reminded him of this recently, and he said he still sort of felt the same - 'I feel sorry for people who only have one family'. He also pointed out that he had been able to have double the number of pets! Like I said, there doesn't have to be any trauma from splitting the family.

Just like marriage is what you make of it, so is divorce. It's a lot easier to have a good divorce if you don't hate eachother.

Calling you useless in front of the children is disgraceful. Make sure you don’t confuse the ups and downs of a normal relationship with an abusive one.

There are lots of articles about what makes a good husband,, father, relationship. Here’s one:
sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/qualities-of-a-good-father/

Me! So happy I stayed. It was just a rough patch.

I stayed for the kids, figuring that we'd split when they were older. A few years later DW has developed a lifelong condition that means she will struggle to be able to get and hold down a job. Physically and emotionally she struggles massively. I am now looking at a life of being a carer. Don't be me think hard about what you want for your future.