How does it feel not being someone's narcissistic supply?

[bringon2020]

I have just found out most of my important relationships were with narcissists, who only saw me as supply. As an extension of themselves.

First, my mum. Classic engulfing mother. I was an extension of her. If I didn't perform and behave the way she wanted me to, she would withdraw love. Only figured it out last year, so for 40 years I considered it "normal".

Then, 20 years ago I met my husband. Emotionally unavailable (which for me felt "safe". If you look at attachment styles in adults, I'm that one who craves intimacy but is terrified of it at the same time). Self centered. Selfish. His needs were more important than mine. I was very good looking and intelligent, he liked showing off the good looking girlfriend. He spent the last few years saying that "I'm not as intelligent as I think I am".

I've been very unhappy since the DC. Fights all the time. DC with behavioral problems. Emotional abuse. (Always putting me down, but got angry when I asked for the separation).

A few years ago, I got close to a long time friend (acquaintance). It was what mumsnet calls "emotional affair". He wanted to convince me that I was amazing. He worked on that, for years. He did the love bombing and future faking routine. Textbook.

EA guy was, in mumsnet language, my "exit affair". He gave me strength to leave. He helped me with practical advice. He is married and I was never sure if I really wanted to stay with him after the separation. I was not leaving my marriage to be with him, that was clear. But I was infatuated. Part of me thought he was dodgy (red flags). The other part desperately wanted all that to be real. All this time, we never had anything physical.

Well, the other guy turned out not to be real. Right when I needed him the most, he dropped me like a hot potato. His artistic endeavours were suddenly successful and he got literally thousands of fans overnight.

I still asked for help in practical issues, and tried to talk things over. He wouldn't even engage. It was like I had suddenly ceased to exist. I was an unperson. An inconvenience. (that was humiliating).

So... I see now that was never in a relationship where I was not narcissistic supply. Where I was loved as a person, not for what I can do for the other one (and dropped or punished whenever I didn't do it properly).

Where do I start now? I don't want to become paranoid, thinking everyone I come across will be the next narcissist. I know I fell into these relationships because something in them felt familiar.

Funny that I have very good friends. Who, I think, don't like me for "what I can do for them". How can I have that with a future boyfriend? I don't want to fall prey to the next love bomber.

Ironic that running away from a previous love bomber 20 years ago was EXACTLY the reason I accepted the emotionally unavailable boyfriend who I ended up marrying.

I don't even KNOW how a healthy relationship works or looks like. I wouldn't recognize one if it looked me in the face.

I'm not planning to date anyone soon. But I want to be able to recognize a healthy bloke, when I eventually come across one.

Where do I start?

'Stop trailing blood, how do you know I am not a shark'...holy crap, what does that even mean? That is such a predatory statement. And then they were a shark?!

@Perfectstorm12

Well, they were an old boyfriend from teenage years.
Who was sympathising about my abusive background, (undisclosed at the time) and my very Narc long term chap as above whom I was struggling to get away from
So, I'm not quite sure how it was meant? He doesnt seem to be an overt shark but likes listening to shark stories as it were?
boundaries are difficult things!

oh, ok thank you. What a sinister thing to say though...yikes. I agree, boundaries are so hard and then you realise how open to abuse you are without them.

Yes,
I wonder if he meant well to start with, but then got off on it?
I have often felt like an egg without a shell ie open to predators.

It's about realising, then finding the resources to grow your own shell.
It can take a long time.
And maybe then you are like a hermit crab, and need a bigger shell?

Hi @bringon2020, you brought up a very interesting and important point in one of your posts

When you were in this process of ditching the narcs, have yu ever thought "it's not possible that all these people are narcs. I'm probably over reacting".

When I first started therapy I had this thought in my head that I can't possibly be surrounded by so many narcissists, it must be me that is the narcissist, the common denominator. It was such a strongly imbedded thought that it caused me severe anxiety which led me to therapy in the first place.

Well, it definitely wasn't me that is the narcissist, it is THEM. My therapist said that a narcissist wouldn't ever question their own behaviour. They have a blind spot and don't self reflect. Questioning yourself about this indicates you aren't a narcissist.

This has proved pivotal in my recovery and healing. If you are brought up by narcissists, you are trained to a think their abusive, manipulative behaviour is normal. Therefore you accept others abusive, manipulative behaviour and you do end up literally surrounded by them.

As others have said you do end up isolated as you shed these people but life becomes clearer the further away you keep from these people. Your future choices become better as your boundaries improve. You can spot them easily and steer clear.

I am always banging on about therapy on these threads but it really is a life changer and it's never too late to re-programme yourself from a bad past. Good luck.

Just to clarify I am using the word narcissist to indicate abusive, selfish behaviour, not that everyone has the personality disorder. We are all narcissistic to a degree but it edges over into abusiveness at the extreme end of the scale.

@Dacquoise I'm glad you know what I'm talking about. I was wondering if it was ME who was seeing narcs everywhere, but then I came to the conclusion that probably I surrounded myself with them because it feels familiar, and we are attracted to familiar interactions.

My therapist asked me if I thought I was a narcisist, and I told her that the thought has crossed my mind, and that I believe I probably had some narcisistic behaviours in the past (as we tend to act repeting the patterns we learned at home). In the end, when I described the pattern of interaction with my DM, my XH and the EA ("emotional/exit affair") and how they are all similar, she validated it, saying that it makes sense.

Sometimes it is crucial to have someone validating these things (because all the narcs keep saying that I'm "acting strange" and so on)

And I completely agree with your definition od narcisist. It's not the personality disorder, but it is a series of behaviours.

@OldLace that's a creepy comment about the shark, indeed!

I believe we keep accepting the abuse because we think we need the attention. Even if someone is horrible to us, it still feels better than being abandoned. I tolerated some of the mind games/word salad of the EA because when he was not imposing his points of view to me, he was making compliments and saying nice things, and I felt I couldn't do without that (and I could only have one thing if I tolerated the other. And I also had the hope that one day he would finally understand me. I had this hope for over a decade with my XH. It never happened with any of them. Or my DM, for that matter).

I hope the next time I don't NEED the compliments, and hope I'll feel confident enough to let go both the mindfuck AND the compliments. They're not worth the hassle.

This might explain the shark comment

www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

@Justtryingtobehelpful

thank you, that's interesting.
My potential 'shark' actually sent me that exact link, when we were discussing the dodgy relationship I was extricating myself from.

But continued to make really odd remarks.
(for example, we met for lunch, and as we sat down he said that he'd 'had an erection all last night thinking about meeting today'.
So, either he is in denial, or he is a sophisticated shark?

OP, I agree that if you are vulnerable to Narcs, you can end up with lots. And also, that that makes it very difficult to retain any sense that the Narc stuff is coming from the outside in, not t'other way around.
Validation from outside non Narc sources is important for that.

All we can do is continue to examine ourselves carefully, get to know our weaknesses, reinforce what behaviour should be acceptable, and strengthen our 'shark cages' so we can avoid future predators.