Will menopause fix libido difference/sexless marriage?

[Jess298]

First time poster so shout if I posted in the wrong place. Largely sexless marriage for several years now, I’m (45F) the HL, prob in peri sex surge, he (56M) the LL, slight ED but has the little blue pills, just they don’t do much, sat in a drawer. 😂 tried talking, all the usual, yada yada. I think he’s just generally not that interested. I’m kind of hoping menopause will level us out when it gets here and I’ll be happy to focus on other things and just do it a handful of times a year, rather than feeling resentful and frustrated like now. What are my chances? 😂

What are the chances that he will turn into a man who cares about you ?

Or what are the chances that in 10 years time your libido will be less?

Sorry I should have added for clarity, the marriage is ace in all other ways. We like the same stuff, we agree on parenting and money, he makes me laugh, I do love him. We’re just not compatible in this one area and I guess what I mean is, I’ve tried and failed to get him to join me, so I’m pinning my hopes on me joining him, if that makes sense.

You probably have another 10 years or so until you are in full blown menopause so if you can put up with a sexless marriage for another 10 years then go for it.

How can he be that great if he doesn’t care about your feelings ?

He doesn’t even care enough to go to his free GP and get some free advice and help, I assume ? Or get some counselling or therapy?

How much effort has he made to fix this problem ?

Does he use porn or use prostituted women ? Is he having affairs with other men or women ?

@C0RA (sorry I’m new, hope this is how I reply) we have talked loads and I don’t know what the answer is. He’s always been a little lower libido than me but I was so busy for years with kids etc. The difference is just more obvious now we’re older, I guess the age gap is more of an issue. What’s he supposed to do, have sex he doesn’t want? I’d hate the idea of that if our roles were reversed. I don’t want to leave. I guess I’m just hoping I’ll slide down the scale. Tho @mummabear777 I was kind of hoping it would be in like 3y not 10 🙈

Well I can tell you the menopause killed off what little libido I had 100% and it didn't take 10 years either, it started as soon as the menopause did so you should be ok there.

I had massive perimenopause libido surge and my husband definitely wasn't interested. I was very upset about it. This went on from around age 38 to about 44 or so.
At around your age though it started to tail off.

Now I am 47 and I am much less interested despite HRT and now I feel bad that i would much rather sort myself out than have sex with him most of the time.

So maybe you'll hit equilibrium soon.

Menopause doesn't necessarily kill the libido or even lessen it. It is often quite the opposite.

@Jess298

Can I repeat my question - How much effort has he made to fix this problem ?

I found a surge in libido which I put down to the relative excess of testosterone compared to oestrogen . I take HRT now .

Thank you all. @peonypower ikwym, one would imagine a lot of husbands would be delighted, but I think it was not a welcome development. Hopefully my slide down the scale isn’t too far away. If it doesn’t happen, I’m not sure what to think then. Decide if it’s a deal breaker I guess.

@C0RA, he did go to the doc when I asked and he has the tablets for the ED. But they can’t make him want to do it, and nor can I. And I really don’t want sex that he’s only doing for me, I want him to want me and if that’s not there then it’s nobody’s fault? It just is what it is...

Those of you who’ve tried HRT, does it help?

I had hot flushes for around a week or so which I found distracting at work - that was why I asked for HRT which solved that problem . Also slept better - would previously wake up in the middle of the night .

I'm taking HRT, but for PMS, not menopause. I might be in peri. Its reduced my sex drive only very slightly I'm afraid.

HRT has helped with aching joints, lack of energy and I've also lost weight (though that is also lockdown, which has given me more time to exercise).
Those are the main benefits I would say.

I am through my menopause and still have a good sex drive, sorry OP sometimes it doesn't wane. I am 55.

Menopause hasn't affected my libido at all sorry but this is really more the result of your age gap I think.

It's an amazing stage. Such a shame to waste it. Open marriage? Swinging?

I could have written your post. My husband and I had an almost perfect relationship apart from the lack of sex. It was never good and I thought that the other things would compensate for it. I did get to the point where I was having to decide if I wanted to accept that or break up our family and move on. My husband however, fell ill and died and I loved him with all my heart Intil his last second. But, I realised during his illness when I knew we didn’t have a future that sex was important to me.

I have a new partner. I am your age, he is your husbands age. He has an extremely high libido and he loves sex and he loves satisfying me. I know now, that a platonic marriage isn’t what I want. Only you can decide if sex is important enough to reconsider your marriage but I wanted to say that age is not necessarily a barrier. There are men in their 50’s who still enjoy sex and their age and experience can make it a really satisfying part of a relationship

Menopause hasn't affected my libido at all sorry but this is really more the result of your age gap I think

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the age gap. It's a smaller gap than mine and my husband is older. He would be happy to have sex every day. We have compromised at four or five times a week and at least once a day when on holiday.

Thank you all! @coronabeer23 I’m sorry for your loss.

I guess I shall have to see what happens in a few years. Kids still too dependent to contemplate a split of finances even if I wanted to, which I don’t think I do. I just wish this one thing could be fixed and life would be perfect. Guess I need to check out lovehoney 😜

In five years kids will be independent and I’ll likely have a better idea of whether post menopause me will be happy with pipe and slippers. At least I know there’s still life out there if not!