I just can't seem to get over abusive childhood

[DJTanner]

I'm in my forties. I've been on antidepressants for over 20 years because of my childhood. I've had counselling, for years. CBT, for years. I've read books. I've seen psychotherapists. I've been non contact with my parents and sister for years. I just can't get over things.

I feel so resentful and angry and in fact the older my kids get the more angry I am about how I was treated. It's caused me problems my entire life.

Does anyone else find they just cannot get over their childhood?

Have you looked into complex PTSD and had specific therapy to treat that?

IME childhood trauma is often held physically in the body - and feelings of rage are emotional flashbacks. You can’t think your way out of it.

Thanks Gutterton.

I've often thought I have some sort of PTSD but haven't heard of complex PTSD so will look into it online.

I totally agree about the emotional flashbacks. Sometimes I just feel so angry inside and I literally just wake up feeling that way, and it affects me all day.

I was not a victim of child abuse but there were abuses of other types and I can see that complex post traumatic stress disorder could be the result of abuses from close relatives (in your case your parents and sister and same close type relatives in my case). I often have flashbacks and memories that I do not want to relive. I struggle to remember good memories. I think the fact that the abusers are blood first degree relatives might be the reason it is complex PTSD

I agree with the PP about checking out Complex PTSD, I am about your age and similar circumstances and found that as I got older my anger increased and I found this book very helpful "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay. It has practical exercises to help with your anger and emotional control and regulation.

Can you pinpoint the part that you constantly revisit?

Yes, I am similar. I'm actually too frightened to see anyone about it because I don't think I could go through it all again. If I have to talk about it, it will be like re-living it. Sometimes I look forward to being dead so that what's in my head is all gone. But I am a mother, so I must stay present for my children.

I had an abusive childhood. For me it was the oldest brother and even though I am approaching 60yrs old I cannot get over it. I never went to the police and never will as I could not face it. My DW knows and has been supportive all of our lives. I want him to die slowly and in a horrible accident and I have no regrets for thinking this. I have tried therapy but it never worked for me as I found that I could not be honest. Recently his wife died and I was told that 'she was such a nice woman'. I wanted to say 'no she wasn't she knew what was going on and kept silent'.

Difficult to write even now but I wanted to let you know you are not alone with your thoughts and I hope that you have enough moments in you life to have a happy life.

My thoughts are with you

Me too. I definitely have complex PTSD and despite years of trying still find I'm deeply affected. I am thinking of trying DBT as well.

Have you been assessed for anything OP? Also, has anyone checked your medication in 20 years? It may need readjusting if it's of no use. There are other medications you could try or it may need augmenting with something else.

Have a read into Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There's a very good book by Pete Walker who had it called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You may find it useful.

What's your diet like? Are you looking after yourself physically? Good, nutritious food, supplements such as magnesium, D3 and B vitamins, fresh air, yoga, mindful meditation, exercise etc can go a long way towards helping you heal.

What therapy have you had? Is it specifically geared towards the abuse you suffered? You could contact NAPAC for help on finding appropriate therapy.

An experienced trauma professional would never make you relive anything as this would re-traumatise you.

They would work gently with you to slowly relieve the negative emotions and body sensations that you carry and are defining, directing, eroding and blighting your life.