Friend’s reaction to my pregnancy- WWYD?

[SavannahKT]

Hi All,
Sorry for the long post.

I am nearly 5 months pregnant with my first baby, and I am now beginning to understand what other women mean when they talk about pregnancy loneliness.
Don’t get me wrong: my partner, family and best friend are very supportive, but as for the other friends that I consider close (all without children), I did not get any thrilled reaction.
However, I am particularly puzzled by the change of attitude of one of those that I consider a very close friend (known her for 15+ years), who has completely ignored me since I told her the news. She was very cold when I went to visit her last time, she stopped contacting me and ignores my messages. We met at a friend’s house a couple of days ago, and she kept on ignoring me.
She’s married with no children, and has always told me that having a baby was not in her plans: my partner pointed out that she might as well have fertility issues but does not want to tell anybody, and she’s now hurt that a very close friend of hers is pregnant too. If that was the case, I would 100% respect and understand her, would not push her and just resume all contacts whenever she’s ready.
I have a feeling, though, that the reason might be quite different: I am almost 32, she’s 36. Throughout those years, many friends of our group got “settled” (some - her included- got married, a couple of them had babies), but the two of us always were like the “free spirits” of the bunch. I have a long standing relationship with my partner, she is married but her husband agrees to whichever idea she has, so in the past few years it was us two going out together for a drink, sushi, night out, etc anytime anywhere, without any particular commitment to family life. Now I’m thinking she feels somehow “betrayed” that I, too, am jumping to the other side of the fence.
She might have got the message that I was on the same page as her in terms of children and family, and to be honest I was with her when we were a bit uncomfortable (and bored) at children christenings or parties we were invited to, but of course that did not mean I was ruling children out of my life forever (also, people are entitled to change their minds I guess?).
She might be hurt because she lost her “partner in crime”, so to say.

Now, I don’t know how to handle this, and I was thinking of 3 possible ways:

1. confrontation - but I am afraid it might end bad and make the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable when we are both invited by mutual friends (or create those very stupid situations where the one asks if the other is attending too, so that she can decide whether to go or not). Plus, I don’t know if she would agree on meeting at all;
2. Ignore her (with some sporadic text to check how she is?)- maybe with time we will be able to go back to what we were before (I am thinking this would be good especially if she has troubles getting pregnant - in this case I would not want to push her);
3. send her a text, along the lines of “I must have done something really bad to you! If and when you want to talk about it, let me know” - but who knows if she’d reply.

I should add that this all happened in the last 3/4 weeks, so since I told her that I was having a baby.

What would you do?

Thanks a lot x

She could well be having fertility issues, everyone knows I've always wanted children and when it took 3 years to conceive I actually told everyone I didn't want kids get, because it was easier.
I would say 3 but worded differently, maybe ask if she's okay and that she doesn't seem the usual chatty self,
Congratulations on your baby!! Xx

I’d really not address it in any of the three ways. I’d reach out and ask her to meet up or just a breezy checking in,

If she continues to ignore you just leave it with the ball in her court. Being confrontational is not going to help.

Give her a couple more weeks then ring her up, get her to come out for a coffee saying you miss her, and then rather than anything explicit, talk gently about how you feel about the way your life is going to change, how you enjoyed your outings together and how you plan to keep in touch (i.e. will you get a babysitter every month perhaps?) once you're snowed under with baby stuff.
Things probably WON'T be at all the same but if she's a friend you'd like to still have once the baby is grown, it's worth being understanding now. She may well feel another friend has been lost to a flurry of nappies and trampolines and after school clubs and not have the skills to deal with it well. But if you think well of her despite this, it's worth a try.

Tbh it's likely she does have fertility issues - perhaps she always knew she would. My husband has fertility concerns and whenever the subject comes up I'm always saying oh I'm not ready to even think about thst yet.

I'd probably go for option two to be honest. Just the odd how you doing thinking of you text every so often.

I know it's hard but hopefully you can pick up your truebrwhop when she's worked through her feelings

You might never know why, I can understand why the situation is upsetting you. If it was happening to me I would choose option 3. I had a smiliar thing when pregnant with my first, and after a few months her partner text me explaining that she had a miscarriage shortly before finding out about me and that she was sorry but she just couldnt be around me for a while, which was really sad. She came round though and we are back to being the friends that we were.

It may just be the partner in crime thing though, and if it is she will come around.

Congratulations by the way

Hearing other people’s pregnancy announcements IS tough for childless people, active fertility issues or not.

I wouldn’t press the issue but just send a chatty message and make sure you remain interested in her life. She is probably thinking she is going to lose you as a friend once you become a mum and so is cooling off in anticipation.

I was acquainted with a woman who said several things indicating that she was indifferent and cavalier about having children, only to find out later that she'd been having infertility issues.

I thought it was strange; why say anything at all, why say something contrary to your real feelings ... Not sure of the psychology but..

If people are having infertility issues, it can be v hard for them not to feel gutted when (apparently) yet another woman gets pregnant and not be able to have positive, friendly interaction with them - it's really unfair on the pregnant woman but what can you do. Some people are like that, some manage not to be.

So it could be fertility issues and deep unhappiness, or as you've pointed out, it could be disappointment and bitterness as losing a social partner (or both).

I wouldn't raise it, if just let her do what she does. It doesn't reflect terribly well on her but the situation can be very upsetting and embittering for people.

I had something similar. Long-standing friend. She had always said she didn't want children- in fact, she was quite adamant! I always said I'd quite like to have a baby but for much of our friendship I was single so it wasn't exactly something I was actually planning or had any real timeline for. Met now DH, we married and I fell pregnant. As soon as I told her, that was pretty much it. She stopped phoning, meeting me, she didn't ask anything about my pregnancy or child. She'd respond very briefly and tersely to any texts. I was baffled but let it go. Didn't speak to her properly for over 2 years (she stopped using social media even). Finally dropped her a text on her birthday last year as I was feeling sad about the lost friendship. Turned out she'd had her own baby in that time!! I now wonder if she'd been struggling with fertility or something and not told me so when I fell pregnant she was upset. I don't know. Anyway, we still aren't friends and I think the whole situation is totally bizarre. But there you go! Pregnancy really can divide friendships and sometimes people's reactions can be confusing and unexpected.

its more likely that she is moving away as you have changed who you are - you said to her you didn't want kids and then now are having them.

So not really a deep friendship if you didn't tell her the truth that you wanted them at some point?

all my friends who have had kids, we are no longer really close, just totally different worlds now. I am closer now to the people who don;t have kids.

Not that I'd be rude or curt to any of them, we just grew apart over time and i was excited for them when pregnant etc.

I'd go with 2.
I don't think confrontation is the way forward as things could get very awkward for you and others and 3. Is maybe a little insensitive and actually a bit aggressive - especially if she IS having infertility issues that she's not ready to declare. I think it could end your friendship.

So definitely 2.but I'd not expect a lot back from her.
Sounds like she's getting her head around your pregnancy and what it means with regards to your relationship with her.
She may feel sad, angry, isolated or any number of emotions and I'd let her figure it out herself while maintaining the friendship with the odd text asking how she is etc.
She may chose to open up eventually.

Thank you all for your replies.
The last thing I want to do is hurting her feelings, hence why I want to be very careful in addressing (or not addressing!) the situation. It was very strange the other night at our friend’s house, as she was not even looking me in the eyes.
@burniutbabe I have never told her I did not want kids at all in my life. So far I have been focusing on other things (career, living abroad), and my partner and I felt this was the right time for us. But, to be honest, if she told me that she changed her mind and suddenly wanted kids tomorrow, I would not think she also changed the way she is or that ours was a shallow friendship.

@SavannahKT

Thank you all for your replies. The last thing I want to do is hurting her feelings, hence why I want to be very careful in addressing (or not addressing!) the situation. It was very strange the other night at our friend’s house, as she was not even looking me in the eyes. *@burniutbabe* I have never told her I did not want kids at all in my life. So far I have been focusing on other things (career, living abroad), and my partner and I felt this was the right time for us. But, to be honest, if she told me that she changed her mind and suddenly wanted kids tomorrow, I would not think she also changed the way she is or that ours was a shallow friendship.

Sorry, did not quote @burnoutbabe correctly

You are perfectly entitled to want and have children, change your mind from wanting to be child free (even though you’ve said that isn’t the case, you’d still be entitled to do so!). It is your life to live how you want it to be, you don’t ‘owe’ your friend.

True friends are there for eachother and accepting of all life stages, but there are bumps in the road which make certain life stages difficult to deal with. How you deal with this now may make a big difference so please don’t be confrontational but stay in touch with her. You just don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously if you try and try and are not getting much back you may cool off too, but don’t assume that now.

I would avoid a confrontation as that’s likely to add to the tension which is good for neither of you!

I’d be inclined to ask for a meet up (like a social distance walk or something). If she ignores or is abrupt I’d be inclined to ask her “what’s going on with us”...and see how she responds (don’t word it as what’s up with you).

Going against the general consensus on MN I don’t think fertility issues give you the right to be a total bitch to your friends. If you can’t congratulate your friends on their lives, whatever that means then I’m sorry you aren’t a real friend.

I think continue to be friendly with her and reach out as and when, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it. She may very well have fertility issues. Sometimes people make a big deal of writing a narrative about their lives (she's a 'free spirit') to cover up the pain they feel about something. She may also just be generally struggling to come to terms with everyone getting older and life changing. There is definitely a transition in lifestyle for most people in their mid-30s. Even the ones who don't want to have children find that life becomes different when everyone else suddenly does (it's lonely and you don't get to do the same things you used to because everyone else is busy and tired).

Beyond that, yes, I think it can be a shock when the person you always thought would be wild and free is suddenly settling down. I remember when this happened in my friend group (I was dating dh but no children). The one wild and crazy friend we had was the first to have a child (unplanned, it was a shock to her too). And I do remember it feeling like the end of an era and all very surreal.

I would be kind, reach out and invite her to things, but not make a big deal if she keeps to herself.

She sounds just like my friend with fertility issues was when I was pregnant. I would say Nothing, whatever you say will be wrong. Reach out every so often, but don't be surprised if she keeps saying no. Perhaps it's her OH who has the problem and she is sad she "signed away" her fertility rights now she's getting older?

I told my close friend I'm getting engaged and she - it was so clear she wasnt happy for you. Next minute I know she was getting married.. She never communicated anything with me. Ignored my texts. And I just kept my distance. Don't need friends like that!

I’d absolutely be tempted to approach her about it and confront her and tell her exactly how it makes you feel. I think it’s horrible behaviour from her as a friend, fertility issues or not

I wouldn’t do anything, even if she is having fertility problems there’s no need to be a dick to you.

I had similar @Muffinandcake123 - was a bit awkward when I told her I was engaged & then sent a very formal decline to the wedding invite and blocked me.

To this day, I have no idea exactly why, although can guess that she felt left behind that all of her friends were getting married and having kids, and her boyfriend didn’t want to.

OP, I think option 2 - check in with her now and again, but also think of yourself and your own self preservation. It’s her issue to work through & she might never work through it.

Option 3 would be passive / aggressive. Your concern is that she’s “blanking” you. If you want to raise this with her directly, it’d be better to be assertive, eg “in the last few weeks you seem to be avoiding me and didn’t look me in the eye at X event. I’ve been feeling upset about it and wondering if there’s anything wrong?”

Option 3 is confrontational so I wouldn't suggest it, especially as if she is suffering with infertility privately she probably already hates herself for being envious and wishes she didn't feel that way.

I'd just back off a bit for now, get in touch with her every now and then if you want to and if she replies great but if not try to focus on your exciting news instead.

She may come back to you, she may not. It's sad but many friendships fade over time for any number of reasons.

I don't think this is something that can be discussed sensitively by either party at the moment and not worth a big fall out

She probably feels she is losing you. Just give her some time.

I'd go with number 2. You've reached out to her and the ball is now in her court.

Don't run around after her.

In a slightly similar way, I have one child not through choice. Some of my friends have one child and I liked the fact we were in the 'one child club' together. Now, one by one, they are going on to have their second and I feel a bit out of it because I don't think I can have any more. I feel we've kind of lost the uniqueness we had. But I would never ignore any of them. I would give her some time to come around but I wouldn't waste your pregnancy worrying about her.