DH has a drink problem, think I want to leave him

[LoveVintage]

I don't know what to do about my marriage. I've been married 22 years and have 2 amazing DS, 18 and 20 who still live at home.

For years my DH has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He's probably a just-functioning alcoholic and there have been various incidents over the years.

He's had a couple of (not drink related) health scares and family bereavements over the years, and I'd say his mental health has been fragile. He hides alcohol and drinks in secret. His capacity for drink is low, it doesn't take much at all to affect him.

He lost a good job a couple of years ago and has had a couple of crappy ones since. He's currently got a not bad desk based job, home working during lockdown, from 5 pm - 1am.

I know he's been drinking occasionally when working. Tonight at 9.00 when he stopped for a break he was a bit unsteady on his feet. He is really thin and doesn't eat enough so sometimes does get like that due to lack of food. Do I dont honestly know if he'd been drinking. He called his boss and said he wasn't feeling well and had a headache but he lingered in the call awkwardly and then said he had a sore stomach. I could hear his boss and by his reaction he didn't believe him and it felt it maybe wasnt the first issue. He's now gone to bed. My older DS knew what was happening and told me there's been a couple of times he's come down and found DH asleep when meant to be working.

Anyway long story short, I can't help him as he won't help himself. A part of me feels I want to leave him but I worry he'd fall apart on his own. But I'm not sure I can live with this constant anxiety any longer. If he loses this job we'd struggle financially.

I just feel I dont know what to do and I've got to think of my DS' and our dog too. We've nowhere we could go but I could probably just afford to rent somewhere.

I just don't know what the hell to do. Any advice or words if wisdom would be so appreciated right now.

You’re right that you can’t help him.

It’s not a pleasant choice but it’s between continuing with the dreadful anxiety as you are doing, with him, or finding peace and quiet without him.

I’ve been there. I chose not to live with an alcoholic and to take my children away from the situation. My only regret is that he never got sober.

Have you spoken to anyone from Al-Anon? The al-anon uk Facebook group is helpful.

Sorry to hear the position you find yourself in.
Have you confronted him about the recent suspicions about him drinking whilst working from home? What has he said if you have?
Do you get the impression that his current work suspect him of have a drink problem?

I worry his work suspect something but that might just be because of what I know. I'm going to speak to him tomorrow.

And yes, I desperately need to find peace. I'm so scared of what he'd do and how he'd cope but I know I can't do anything about that.

I just don't know where to begin. I'm self-employed, would need to find a rental that takes pets. I just feel so sad.

So difficult and miserable for you.
My STBX has alcohol problems. Have you talked? I did tell him it was finishing our relationship but ultimately he chose the booze (there were other problems).

Sorry you are going through this OP, it is hard. You say that your DH is hiding drink and drinking secretively and this is a certain sign he recognises his own problem and knows he is drinking too much, too often. You then said he has a low tolerance. The two things rarely (if ever) go together and (sorry, I genuinely don’t mean this to sound harsh) it is more likely you are minimising the problem or that his secrecy is more successful than you thought.

Unfortunately, you are absolutely right, there is nothing at all you can do to help him. Alcoholism is a progressive condition and will continue to get worse, unless he decides himself to get help. If you have had enough, it is absolutely not surprising and you deserve a better life than this. It is a daunting prospect but probably not nearly as bad as what you’re putting up with now.

Is there any way you can stay in your current home? Would your husband leave? If you own the house, talk to a solicitor and get some advice. Most will give you half an hour free.

For yourself, it is really important to get support and there is plenty out there. Look up Alanon (for family members of alcoholics) and consider attending some meetings or, if you have the money, speak to a counsellor.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

All the signs are there that he is going from (barely) functioning to non functioning. His thinness and not eating are a very bad sign, alcoholics tend to get their calories from booze as it messes with their appetite. Your DH is very far down the rabbit hole and you are absolutely right to consider leaving. Have you mentioned it to him and does he do the classic thing of denying that there is a problem? If so, you have your answer.

Speaking as the widow of an alcoholic my advice is to get support for yourself from Al-Anon or a similar group (online at the moment) with a view to ending this relationship and freeing yourself from life with an addict.

As well as the suspected drink problem - if he is actually having stomach issues, see if you can get him to see the GP.
I had a friend who drank a lot. The first really big problem that gave him was the colon cancer that first showed up as digestive issues. It had already spread, he didn't last the year.

I am so sorry for your situation.

I feel for you OP. I watched my ex's brother drink himself to death, a highly educated man with lovely children. I then managed to date an alcoholic after my ex but I ended things the second I got confirmation. I've now just ended things with yet another heavy drinker. Sadly there seems to be a lot of it about these days.
I think you already know what to do here. Things will only get worse and worse and he will drag you down with him. He will eventually become ill in one way or another. Are you prepared to be his carer?
Unless he reaches rock bottom and is clear he wants to get help, there is nothing at all you can do for him.

It is not your job to get him to the GP.

If you do indeed want peace you are going to have to get your alcoholic husband out of your day to day life.

You also need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism here; its not called the "family disease" for nothing and you've been caught up in his alcoholism for many years. Your own recovery will only properly start when you are completely away from him.

You state you worry about him falling apart; well he has been really falling apart for years because of alcoholism in front of you and your kids are witness to that as well. You have not and cannot prevent that from happening, all you've done is prop him and his associated drinking up. HE has to be the one to seek help and properly address the reasons behind his alcoholism; you cannot do that for him. And there are no indications from him that he actually wants to do that.

You cannot help him but you can and should help your own self here and get out of this relationship. His primary relationship is with drink in any case, its not with you or his children and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

I would also suggest you talk to Al-anon as well as getting legal advice re the property and finances. If anyone leaves here it should be him. Is there any way you can indeed stay in the marital home?.

Your children may also want to contact Alateen which is for young people. This all has and will impact further on them too.

A lot of your post sounds very familiar to me. I fell into the trap of trying to manage and control the situation by being what I thought was supportive and prevent him from drinking, but it’s just not possible. The only person who can control it is him. I had many fears about his ability to cope, and additional anxieties about our children being young and that he’d been drunk while looking after them. When we did split, I can’t lie, it was as bad as I thought it would be, and worse - but the relief of that constant anxiety about his drinking was overwhelming. It’s taken 5 years and he is with someone else, still drinks, rarely sees the kids - but I haven’t sacrificed my own life and theirs to accommodate it.

Living with an alcoholic has really affected how I feel about supporting one, and my personal experience was that anything I did to be supportive or try and help him move forwards was manipulated and exploited as he didn’t actually want to solve the issue. I was making myself responsible for him, but he felt no responsibility for himself or his behaviour. When I left him it was a horrific shock to the system because he relied upon me always being there.
Maybe you taking action will be the thing that makes him face up to the problem, maybe it won’t and he will fall apart as you fear. But either way, it isn’t your responsibility.

Whatever you decide about the relationship, would look at ways to reduce your financial dependence, since it seems likely or even probable that your H’s earnings may reduce/be unstable/stop.

As you’re married you would have a share in the family home, and if you break up could reach a settlement and sell it. No need for a rental?

My husband was drinking heavily for years. We rowed about it for years it came to a head when I had major spinal surgery and could do hardly anything for myself. He would swear I was his priority and would mean it but the alcohol took away the person that I loved. He would help me get up and bath and make me food then help me back to bed, go to the pub come home sleep it off and I had to cope for the majority of the day on my own which was very very difficult because of my surgery. When I spoke to him about my concerns he would say that as I am a light weight drinker which is true so anyone who had more than 1 glasses of wine to me looked like a heavy drinker. He had arranged to do some voluntary work with homeless kids in Africa and had been going to cancel it because of my recovery but I insisted he go. Firstly because he had made the commitment, secondly because frankly he was no use to me and finally cos I wanted a break from him. He was away 3 weeks. I managed ok with a bit of family support but decided that the my life was better without the verbal fights so made the decision to end my marriage. He was miles from anywhere and couldn’t get a drink so went into withdrawal. No escaping from himself that he had a problem. When he got back and I told him our marriage was ending he offered to go to AA. He went saying his wife had a desire for him to stop drinking and although he had gone into withdrawal abroad he thought that he wasn’t an alcoholic because he didn’t drink for breakfast or sleep on a a park bench. But he was told in AA listen to them similarities not the differences. He was still drinking when he started attending meetings but slowly slowly Other people’s stories started resonating with him. He did the 90 meetings in 90 days and has now been sober for 10 years. I have my husband back and life is good but his brother is also an alcoholic and is still drinking heavily. He is a constant reminder to my husband “ this is what you could have ended up like”
So I just wanted to say sometimes it can be ok again

Ahwig omg. I had a spine op and my alcoholic ex insisted on the way home that I fetched him several cans of beer. I came home in a taxi and in extreme pain I had to stop at a shop and get his beer. When I got back he couldn't give a damn. He just said you know I have agoraphobia and can't go out! He never ever changed. He tried but after a couple of days he would be back to square one. I left in the end because he had become verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I have worked with people who have alcohol issues etc and it's rare that a person changes.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your responses.

We own our house- it's his former family home which we bought from the estate when his dad died - it breaks my heart to think of it being sold , but it dies have a chunk of equity in it.

I've got a legal background so know a fair bit about my rights etc.

I spoke to DH today, even told him I'd been looking at property rental this morning (we are fairly rural and there is nothing just now). He said he knew he needed to change but I've heard it all before.

I need to process everything now, and think what to do and when. I'm quite a strong person when it comes to dealing with challenges - maybe if I wasn't I'd have done something sooner..

It's awful how alcohol affects so many family lives. Sorry to those if you who have suffered this too. And thank you again.

Don’t move out without first getting good legal advice. Don’t prioritise your H’s feelings about your current home or situation over your own housing and financial position.

Your adult sons will have been significantly negatively affected by this situation, and will be at increased risk of a range of problems themselves. Might make sense for you to seek help from Al Anon.

I wrote an almost identical post ten years ago. I finally went to just one AlAnon meeting and saw the light. I couldn't change his behaviour. He absolutely refused to even discuss it, said the problem was in my head.... We sold the house and I took on a big mortgage to provide a home for our two teens.

He's deteriorated further, lost his job and is close to losing another. He's had some very serious health problems, lost his licence and is in a very poor mental state.

Like you, I still cared about him but it was destroying me. I've managed to maintain a good relationship with him, partly because I don't want my adult kids to worry too much about him.

Could you ask him to leave?

You need to prepare for the worst here if you want a roof over your DCs heads.

You need to get ahead of your DH.

This is a progressive situation and as PP said he is v near that cliff edge.

I would have researched all of my financial and practical options and plans in place for - when he looses his job and can’t get another, for when he gets his first debilitating and incapacitating chronic illness and for when that takes its toll.

This is only going one way. Cut your anxiety by getting ahead with your plans - otherwise you are all unnecessarily going over that cliff with him - when there is no need to stick your head in the sand waiting for the inevitable to happen. What would happen if he lost his job, got incapacitated or died tomorrow? Because those are very likely realities.

You mention his MH issues - they are most certainly directly related and exacerbated by alcohol.

How are your boys? Do they engage with their Dad? Do they themselves drink? What, as young adults to they think of this?

It would help all 3 of you to access the support of Al Anon.

I am sorry you have all lived this for decades.