Hello ladies.
I could really use some advice. I'm going through a real tough break-up and I'm really eager to get some other peoples opinions. I'll start by providing a bit of information.
I'm a 30 something Male, and my partner of 8 years and Mother to my 2 wonderful kids has left us. The overall cause was the age-old falling out of love trick. As I'm sure many of us are guilty of, I think that our lives got the better of us and we didn't spend that precious quality time together. Though we always seemed to be a strong couple, apparantly it was distance that broke us, even though we've been locked down together. Now, I will take responsibility and say that yes, maybe I wasn't as attentive as I could of been, and so desperately want to be now, but 8 years with 2 kids has kinda put a spanner in the works.
We had always talked about marriage and both was eager to tie the knot. I'd pressure myself financially not being able to afford a ring that i felt reflected how she meant to me. I didn't want to settle for something, even though she had said she didn't care about it's value. I always had every intention of making her my wife, but life kinda took over that dream and I regret it deeply. I've always been faithful to her and was 100% devoted to her. I always got up with our kids, prepared and took them to school, cooked, cleaned, worked whatever free hours I had left in the day (2 small jobs). She worked mostly full time over the latter part of our relationship while I was the house husband. I'm not entirely at fault though. I've always been jealous of her and at times un-trusting. My trust is somewhat justified as a little while after we had got together, I had discovered she was texting old flames of hers, and being quite seductive at times. Now, it was all ultimately innocent, but I always felt uneasy at her reluctance to avoid conversations with her ex's and some other less than desirable characters whom she used to circulate with. And something similar (but not as graphic) occured at another point a few years after, so I've always had some trust issues. I know she's not physically cheated on me, but having repeat occurrences of it has really shook my self esteem.But I'd always forgive and try to work past it. I went for a few counselling sessions and have made peace with it. I let her know that I was unhappy that she was speaking with ex's, regardless of whether they're still friends. I drew the line when either side was getting inappropriate. They'd often get flirty with her, and she would not be phased by it and sometimes even played along. I did ask her to unfriend some of them when it got a bit much. But I think she has been resentful for having to sever some old friendships. Now you might be wondering how I could know some of this, and yes I will admit it... I did check her phone at times. I always felt so awful doing it, but I was too filled with anxiety not knowing otherwise, especially when her body language would change while she was using her phone at times (shielding screen, placing face-down etc). I'm not blind, I could see that there was something she didn't want me to see.
But getting back on track, I've always done what I can to commit to her and my children. I love them all dearly and want nothing more than to be a household again.
But, after 8 years she told me that she wasn't happy. This eventually revealed that it was an overall lack of attention on my part that has made her feel this way. She said that it was a gradual process over the best part of a year. Now, like many times before I would do anything to keep my family together. I have been the primary caregiver to my kids and sacrificed more than most Dads would care to. And I would live the rest of my life putting an extra 100% effort in to have her back and not make her feel that way again.
But she left me and the kids. I don't get how she can do this :( She's staying with friends and in the process of securing a place of her own to live. She's came right out and said that she wants to focus on her new job more and wants equal custody of the kids and to co-parent. She has the age old "loves me, but not IN love with me" feelings and has drawn a line and doesn't want to go backwards. She doesn't even seem to want to try to fix what we had. I know she's upset and still has feelings towards me and misses the kids dearly. She's been a frequent visitor to our house, and spends an hour or 2 with the kids most evenings after work. I try my best to be chatty and friendly. I'll make her a cup of tea and hear about her day. Then usually sit back and let her spend time with the kids. It feels nice to do it, cause it's kind of like she's still here. I know this isn't a good thing to do and is just giving me hope that might never amount to anything. But I'd prefer to feel that way a little because without it, it's crushing me inside. I'm staying strong for my kids and am in a better place with them already. But I'm hurting so much by seeing her still, when I just want her to stay. I asked her if she would stay away for a bit, because I was struggling coping with it, while staying strong for the kids. She was obviously upset with this but understood my feelings and has obliged. I really need some space from her, so I can grieve. I can't vent well in the free 1-2 hours I get after the kids are in bed. I've already cried with my 7 year old Daughter too much, I can't do that to her no more.
But, I also selfishly want her to spend some time alone and miss me aswell. I hope that everything can be rekindled after she's had some space and sees that she had a good life (I bet alot of mothers here would like a lie-in every weekend and dinner cooked every night too!). We had a long, loving relationship. We had a decent sex life. Never really argued, talked about the future. We was only last month trying for another baby.
I know it sounds selfish but, I really want her back. I want to try to make her see our relationship for what it was and has been, and at least attempt to fix it with me. She seems to be moving on at pace and I'm scared that she's gonna leave us behind.
Was I right to ask her to give me and the kids some space? Could I do anything to make this easier? I'm so lost and in the midst of a lockdown, can't even seek solace with other people.
Sorry for the wall of text and thanks to those who make it to the end!