Can we reassure my partner? Regarding love in lockdown...

[lockdown67]

Me and my partner have been together for 18 months and only moved in together at the start of lockdown.

So, we have lived together for about 10 weeks, all of which we have both been without work (due to covid) and therefore cooped up together and arguing way more than we used to.

The arguments are only, I feel, normal considering the circumstances but he's feeling really down and worrying we have lost our spark and that I'm going to leave him! (I'm not)

Can we share stories of how your relationship might have felt pressure during lockdown etc or reassurance that it's ok and normal?

I'd like to show him this thread to reassure him :)

Been with my dh 10 years and love him deeply. He's only been off work for half the time, I'm working from home. I've had days of being snappy bitch from hell, and days of passive aggressive digs. I've no intention of leaving him. Normal life will return.

DH is WFH but only doing 50% of the hours. I'm on maternity leave with a 10 month old. I've been hiding in the kitchen for the last hour or so 'making dinner' because I can't bear to be in the same room as DH. He's done nothing to merit this other than to exist (and cough a couple of times). It's all fine though!

"I've had days of being snappy bitch from hell, and days of passive aggressive digs. I've no intention of leaving him."

"I've been hiding in the kitchen...because I can't bear to be in the same room as DH. He's done nothing to merit this other than to exist (and cough a couple of times). It's all fine though!"

If you ladies know this unkind behaviour is unreasonable and unwarranted, why can't you amend it? I am not trying to pick a fight here - I am just interested in your mindset.

My DH and I don’t argue normally and don’t argue in lockdown - we don’t have anything to argue about? We know we care about each other, we discuss family and personal needs/desires calmly, both deal with housework/garden/dog and children as needed. We’ve been together for years.
What are the arguments actually about? Grand theoretical ideology or whose turn it is to hoover? And how do they manifest?

I think we’ve had one argument during lockdown. Otherwise been really enjoying our time together. So I don’t necessarily think it’s normal to argue massively just because you’re spending all our time together.

An @PeanutButterSarnie, if only everyone was perfect and never hormonal/menopausal/simply pissed off at life!

I've been married for two years, don't usually argue much. There has been way more bickering in lockdown. We are both WFH in the same space, along with a teen doing video lessons. It's not natural to not have any time away from each other like this, not for any couple. Usually in in London overnight every couple of weeks, out with friends etc. Sometimes I have to take myself into another room just to escape the annoyance of his existence.

Give yourselves a break - these are not normal times!

Sorry but no arguments here.

You need to find a way to communicate any fears or frustrations without them turning into arguments. This will become a habit.

These are strange circumstances and will show up cracks - you need to work on this together or recognise perhaps you are not compatible. There are going to be pressures in your lives ahead and how you work together to get through this now will show how you will cope if you have children, face illness, etc in years to come.

Just saying though, 18 months in, 10 weeks living together - should not be this hard.

The first stages of moving in together are always hard, because you’re adapting to living together. Even if you previously stayed together every night that’s different because you still both have your own space.

IMO moving in together during lockdown is a perfect way to assess whether your relationship will work in the long term, and it’s inevitable that some relationships will not survive this.

It’s not comparable to someone who has been married for years and is a bit snippy.

Some arguments when first living together are inevitable, but if the relationship is strong enough you will come through the other side having both adapted to living together.

if the relationship isn’t strong enough then this has been the perfect time to find out.

Up to a point you should still be in the 'loved up' stage. You've been together about the right length of time for that. This has been a test of how you both manage together when obstacles are thrown in your way. However, none of it sounds very serious and can quite easily be turned around. Also, it's still relatively early days in your relationship, so I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. If he's concerned reassure him and both learn from it and put it behind you.

Personally, I'm an introvert. I rely on alone time to recharge my batteries. I don't get much of that right now, that means that I know I can become a bit overwhelmed with being with other people (even ones I love dearly) all the time and that leads to me feeling annoyed with them. I don't think it's a big deal particularly - I just try and get some headspace whenever I can!

We moved in for lockdown as well, neither us of thought it would last this long. We had only been together 11 months at the start of lockdown.

We haven’t argued as such, I was getting a bit irritated in the first 1/2 weeks as he was asking permission to do things “can I have a glass of water” “is it okay if” argh! If we’re irritating the other we are both more than willing to tell the other. So just little bits of bickering, most jokey rather than actually angry or annoyed.

We also have ‘Dave’ living here, Dave is a twat. Dave however is useful as if anything ‘bad’ happens he is responsible. On Sunday ‘Dave’ used seven glasses and just left them in random places in the flat, my boyfriend found them while cleaning and said “Dave is such a lazy bastard, he can’t be bothered to wash his glass so he gets a new one everytime” and I replied with “Yeah, Daves a lazy prick”.

Daves are great, get one, then nothing is your fault ever again.

I'm interested in why you feel that it's your responsibility to reassure him.

Of anything.

@BertiesLanding

I'm interested in why you feel that it's your responsibility to reassure him.

Yes, this. Watch out as neediness from a partner who wants constant reassurance can become suffocating, controlling and exhausting.

Yes. And on a milder end of the same scale, calling others to reassure your partner is not letting them hold the responsibility for their own emotions and responses themselves. You are already trying to take something on for him, and that's the thin end of a dysfunctional wedge.

Couple this with regular arguments (not healthy, even in abnormal circumstances), and his fears that you're going to leave him, and you already have trouble on your hands.

I wouldn't necessarily say it's normal. Dh and I, have probably bickered a little more than usual but it's usually over the silly stuff. I'm a sahm and he works full time, so I'm so used to my routine in the home. Whereas he's been doing half days at the moment, so I feel he's been messing up the flow of my day to day housework 😂 but we haven't really argued, its normally just a bit of 'you're doing my bloody head in, just wipe the kitchen side after you've made a sandwich.
If you're needing to reassure him, that to me doesn't really sound good.

We also moved in for lockdown and have found it hard for many complicated reasons I won’t go into but we have had some crazy, ridiculous over the top arguments. For example he was putting the recycling in the wrong boxes I think on purpose and I lost my shit so hard I’m still embarrassed about what the neighbours heard and this was weeks ago! We still want to be together though and recognise this is a weird time. Have you seen any stuff from Esther Perel? She’s a relationship therapist and has a YouTube series for lockdown, she says it’s very easy to get frustrated with your partner when actually you’re frustrated with the situation itself. I get annoyed with people saying ‘everything’s just the same/great with us’ , well that’s brilliant for you but there are loads of people who’ve had their worlds turned upside down and struggling with their relationships as a consequence. I think (hope!) it’s normal :)