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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dont know how i feel

12 replies

Alfiesmom15 · 03/06/2020 15:25

Ive posted before, my and partners relationship hasn't always been the best but weve worked on a lot of our problems so its better then what its was. so I was just using the main computer yesterday and was trying to get back to a page I was previously on and found some search history, 2 hours worth of porn early hours sunday morning. 2 hours!! weve had sex twice in 8 months. using medication and blood pressure issues as a excuse. so heres me just plodding on because you cant help it if its medical right.... well obviously its not medical if he can watch that for such a long time, and its all specific searches so not like he was just browsing which tells me it wasn't a one off. also in the middle of his searches hes tried to a history cleaner (clearly didn't work) which again tells me its more frequent. Ive brought it up a little and he sort of just regressed into himself. and then this morning Iog back onto the computer and hes left the chrome window on.... (im working from home, not snooping) and all the settings tabs are open and hes changed everything so it automatically wipes you search history. so again another indicator this is pretty frequent.
i just think this is two things ive found by pure accident what on earth am i going to find if i actually do snoop. with the lack of sex i just feel so deflated and demorilised now. he clearly doesn't want a sexual relationship because he can obviously get it up for porn.
obviously were in lockdown so theres not a lot i can do about it anyway.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 15:31

How long have you been together? Do you have children?

What's the point in a boyfriend if it is not sexual? You might as well have a flatmate.

Alfiesmom15 · 03/06/2020 15:36

weve been together 7 years and yes we have a little boy.
weve been working on our relationship but after finding out this its been a bit upsetting i think

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 15:46

He's not with you for the sex and romance. He doesn't see you like that any more. Once that's gone it doesn't come back.

What were you working on?

Are you his cheap housemaid? Is that what he gets out of being with you?

Alfiesmom15 · 03/06/2020 16:17

His family disrespected me ALOT. he wasnt doing anything round the house. The was no respect there. Weve worked on alot minus the lack of sex

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 17:58

Ah, OK. You are his skivvy. You are not worthy of respect. He may deign to do some of your skivvy work in order to stop you quitting temporarily.

What's in it for you?

I can't see an upside here for you. Loads for him. None for you.

TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 18:42

When you write Weve worked on alot what do you mean? What has changed? How did it change? Who drove the changes?

Alfiesmom15 · 04/06/2020 00:49

He helps around the house now. Things financially are more split. Hes stood up to his family about disrespecting me. All the things that weren't so great weve worked on improving. We worked on those things together. I've learnt to be a little more lenient. It's been a two way street and I genuinely believed we were going to be ok but now I just think yeah on paper things are getting better but if theres so sexual chemistry there and hes more interested in getting his fix offline what's the point

OP posts:
Crystalspider · 04/06/2020 00:59

How did the sex stop, was it him or you? if it's all him then he's no longer interested sexually in to you. It's not a good relationship to be in for either of you, don't waste your life in it.

Alfiesmom15 · 04/06/2020 08:50

He stopped it.... I stopped asking months ago.. felt a bit embarrassing. Like I was begging for it.... I just thought because he was struggling to.keep it going it was down to all the medication he was on then when I.bought up the lack of sex again he said it's probably because he cant keep it up he doesn't instigate it.
Now I'm just thinking hes not interested at all

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 04/06/2020 09:05

When the emotional side has gone wrong it is normal for people to not want sex with the other but sex drive remains so they masturbate.

You describe him as helping now, which tells me you have an uneven relationship. Financial abuse before that?

He doesn't want an equal relationship. He doesn't like it. It's a turn off.

I wonder if your relationship before working in it was level 8 bad and now it is level 6 so you think it is OK when actually anybody else would have kicked him to the kerb.

Alfiesmom15 · 04/06/2020 11:30

Yeah I'd say uneven is a bit of a exaggeration. I'd say before it was a level 10 bad.... and now..... your actually opening my eyes a bit and being really helpful. I've settled for less then I deserve. Huh, well that's eye opening

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 11:36

I think you should stop settling. If your little boy sees this he will think women are supposed to bend over backwards for men no matter how they are treated. Be a strong female role model. You tried. It isn't fixable. Know when to cut your losses. Or live a miserable, sexless marriage with a man who doesnt care about your desires and needs forever.

Know which I would pick.

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