Feeling concerned due to not missing family during lockdown. Is this unusual or a sign of something?

[ManyClouds]

I've felt confused about the relationship I have with DM.
During lockdown various people in my life talk about missing parents etc
I haven't missed my DM in the slightest...I hate to admit i've enjoyed the break. Even avoiding all the anticipated extra phone calls (that I was to make).
We have a functioning relationship and to folk from the outside all is ok. It's all very much on the surface I feel.
I feel as time goes on it's become more obvious how one sided our relationship is. She has a good relationship with my children and I wouldn't jeopardise that.

At the weekend we met up outside with distancing in place. After about an hour I wanted to leave. The conversation is just repeating of previous conversations. Same anecdotes and stories.

There is a history and she is aware, I have talked about my feelings about our relationship. Her reaction was one of surprise. However her approach to this and like other things is to carry on as if nothing has happened or was ever discussed. I'd be all day if I fully explained. Nothing unusual all very textbook.

Where i'm going here is....due to the lockdown is anyone else feeling the same way ?
Anybody else surprised about their feelings towards family and does it worry/confuse them ? Does it feel that lockdown has brought about a watershed moment in their lives in relation to their family dynamics ?

I feel the same tbh. I love my dad but he is hard work so im in no rush to see him...enjoying the fact that hes not bursting in uninvited tbh. Im sure the feeling is mutual!

I can honestly say I haven't missed anyone. I have always been very independent, especially from my family (long history there!).
I only ever saw my DM 3 or 4 times a year in the last 5-6 years (very occaisional phone calls) and it didn't really bother me, we weren't close and I actually worried that my Mum would die and I wouldn't be that upset.
My Mum did die, very suddenly, last October and I actually felt it as real pain, I screamed and wailed, I have never experienced emotion like it. I was broken. More so as it was such as shock because I had assumed I wasn't capable of that level of feeling towards another person.
I don't think you have to miss people to care about them.

My SIL misses us like mad and was so happy when we met up, as much as I like to visit her, it isn't something I miss and could not honestly say we'd missed her, which made me feel guilty!
Unfortunately DH is the same with family as I am, so we have become quite insular and it seems to have rubbed off on the DCs as they never say they miss any of their relatives either.
They weren't hugely upset when my Mum died and felt guilty for that, same when DMIL died a few months ago and they were a lot closer to her than my Mum.

I worry that I am bringing my kids up without strong emotional relationships, but I never had extended family as a child (just DM and me, then siblings and StepFather) so I think it comes from that.

We socialise with friends and neighbours and I am probably closer the friends than family. It is what it is. Sometimes I overanalyse it and decide I need therapy!

I don’t miss DM either it’s just highlighted that she brings nothing to our RS but takes plenty

Oh god yes. Dh has been ringing his mum a lot during lockdown and she's on speakerphone so I can join in. She rarely asks about us and when we reply its straight back to her.

Or if we add in something during her monologue she doesn't respond to it and just ignores it. And she talks about stuff as if she's the authority but then gets defensive when dh asks her to clarify something she's said about a politician. The other night she was furious with the EU and when dh asks what she means she says 'I'm not talking to you about it cos you're not listening' so he's expected to literally just listen and follow a script of mums and ahhs.

It's been very revealing!

Haven’t missed anyone. I’m working from home and me DP is furloughed, 18 year old DS at home too so I have all I need. Though tbh I miss having time to myself but I’m also missing going into the office. I’m looking forward to going back to work as normal (hopefully in a month or so).

As long as it's not a generalised feeling of lack of empathy dont worry too much.

My mum is the same. Talks about the same thing over and over, doesn't take up any conversations I start and directs it back to her. I swear she has a diagnosable condition.

Dh mum is a total narcissist and is pisding out countless people in lockdown as it gets more and more ok to slag off peoples choices on FB. We have tried to tell her why she pisses people off, but she is very defensive dispite following the same patterns and getting the same reactions again and again and again.

Its worseright now as my MH is on the floor so I dont have energy to nod and agree which is what they need. I normally tell difficult people who wont listen what they want to hear as they dont listen anyway. I dont have the energy right now. So avoidance is a sensible option

From the opposite perspective, I haven't missed my daughters or grandchildren. I love them and we speak on the phone (them ringing me) but as long as I know they are OK that's fine with me. I like the time to myself.

Nope I haven't either, it has been a relief. There is so much about connecting remotely during this time as we're all missing each other and I haven't resonated with that really.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply....
A bit of everything you all say resonates. I struggle with our relationship being one sided. I'm hindsight this has been since childhood. She is aware of this but is oblivious and thinks things are great.
We met recently after not seeing each other since February. I thought some absence would be of benefit to our relationship/conversation but unfortunately it was still lacking.
I think this lockdown has been a relief for me in some way.
I was just concerned about my indifference to no contact but feeling guilty but also relieved.
With our relationship aside my DM is ultimately a good person. Nobody's going anywhere and i'm sure it'll continue to have highs and lows. I do think I probably just need to accept the way things are as i'm probably setting myself up for disappointment. As i'm probably seeking a different relationship that won't exist.

OP you sound just how I feel and I’m so relieved it’s not just me. My mum visits every three months and she was due a visit during lockdown which was cancelled. I dread her coming and there’s history for us too. Your post today literally couldn’t have come at a better time as I was starting to think there’s something wrong with me 💐

Yes I have some similiar, strange and conflicted feelings.

About 3/4 way through lockdown I started having some "distancing" feelings from DM. I think over a period of "lockdown" days I had some time to think about what she had completely failed to do as a mother. I have another close family member who at the same time has just disappeared off the face of the earth (clearly doesn't care about me).

So, its all been quite messy and - at the moment - depressing for me.

I know underneath it all I love my mum - I can imagine the pain of Gammel. But .... the day to day nonsense, my mum's many failures, other family issues, over the years I think its taken its toll. I went to bed for 3 days in real physical (heart) pain, something I've rarely done in life.

Lockdown has probably brought a lot of things into focus for some people. Things that normally, in the habit of everyday life, get ignored.

I've definitely distanced myself from family, sadly. I'm not pre-judging the future, now, but taking every day and week as it comes.

I haven't missed anyone. We live far away, so I wouldn't see them anyway. I'm hoping I don't have to go at Christmas, really.

Mmm

Longish story but I'm pretty independent of my family to be honest.

I normally have a hectic life running a business and then spending weekends doing kids activities or just out as our little family enjoying the time.

Not really close to my parents and rarely see my sibling so no I haven't missed them during lockdown.

Dm did whine a lot at the beginning how hard it was not being able to see us (meaning sibling and her dc ) and she kept going on and on until I pointed out she spent a max of an hour every other week with my dc and can't remember the last time she actually bothered to do something with them or ask to have them

Did say there was a story

Same here.I normally don't see my siblings or DD she lives many miles away.I work long hours.These are unusual times.There is no right or wrong.

I call this the "weight of the unspoken and unacknowledged" - and, of course, you're carrying most of it. I think your feelings are entirely justified and understandable.

I hear you OP 💐

My parents aren’t bad people, they were just emotionally neglectful/abusive as parents. They both had backgrounds that meant they did the best they knew how to and it was sorely lacking.

Every time I have contact with them I am reminded that I will never have the parents I wish I had. I feel that I parent them and care for them in the ways I wish they did for me and it is both triggering and exhausting.

I moved overseas and now see them once a year or slightly less. I speak to my dad on the phone every two months and my mum maybe every 4-6 months, the infrequency means I’m able to smooth the chat and have the energy to make it all about them.
I’m always the one that calls them and in between times, honestly? I store them in a box in my head and don’t think about them. I don’t miss them but I know I will be devastated when they pass away.

It’s a hard thing and I think your concern is borne out of that sense that if we don’t have the stereotypical relationship with our parents then maybe there is something wrong with us 💗 You are normal x

I feel the same. Do not miss my DM. She used to call down one afternoon a week for a visit. Dreaded them, just did it fir the kids. Only talks about herself and her problems. As soon as she would go I would have a beer to relax. We never get invited to her house. Relationship all on her terms. Like OP we visited for her bday but social distanced in the garden. We didn't tell her we were going to visit. I really had nothing to say to her, my hubby and kids kept the conversation flowing. Could not wait to leave. We didn't speak for three years when kids were smaller and never missed her or thought about her. Lots of unresolved issues with her from the past.

I havnt missed anyone either. Not really, my mum would be the only one I would miss really but I speak to her on the phone and facetime so I don't see the difference. I was worried I was weird. I'm so stressed now every one wants to meet and go on walks and see me, I care about and love them all but I have realised I truly don't need physical contact, I'm more than happy with using the phone. Not sure if I'd feel the same if it went on for longer though.

I'm so pleased to see this thread. I have considered starting something similar but scared I'd be the only one feeling like this and I'd get jumped on by the "you'll regret this when they are no longer around" brigade.

I identify with so many comments here. My relationship with my family is fine on the surface but there is no depth to it and my parents have always been emotionally neglectful. They live abroad so I wouldn't have seen them at this point anyway but my siblings are geographically close by and I just haven't felt the need to see them, much less to hug them. I find my entire family very hard work. I'm happy to know that they are safe and well but have no need for physical/social closeness. Every time I see posts or hear friends talking about how much they miss their mum, or need to hug their sister, I feel like I must be some kind of cold-hearted monster. It also raises pangs of sadness though that my family have never had that sort of relationship and never will.

@BertiesLanding, yes I agree, it feels like exactly that. I wish I feel differently than I do but my childhood was cold and I was left on my own a lot so I can't just 'turn it on' for lockdown.

I'm not the daughter my parents want. Never the favourite child, I've grown up 'successful' - married & kids but I just miss their targets because we're happily not replicating my childhood. They find me frustrating. I dutifully listen to them, but they are in a Daily Mail bubble and really get angry if you present any kind of viewpoint that differs.
My dad recently had a stroke, I was surprised at how matter of fact I felt. It's harsh but it's only the birth certificate that keeps me in touch, I'm far closer emotionally with other relatives and old friends.