Partner talking to other girls

[popbx]

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, since I was 18.

He’s from a military family and we knew each other from school. It was like a fairytale at the beginning. We spent so much time together, we always talked about our future. His family were posted abroad and my parents took him in and treated him as their own.

We both went to university in the same city, again spending so much time together. After he graduated is when we began spending less time together. He lived with another of his family members while I went into the teaching profession and did my training.

About 2 years ago he decided he wanted to join the army too. To begin with I wasn’t sure how it would work out for us but we’ve worked through it and he’s just about to finish his training in August.

He started training last September and there’s been two major problems. He was went on a trip to Holland and came back and continued to talk about her and like her posts. I found out two months later and confronted him about it. Initially, he was very apologetic and I told him I needed time to think about it. He came to visit a couple of weekends later and after a drunken night out I brought it up. He stormed out of the meal and got in his car. Drunk. He came round to my house the following day and proceeded to tell me he had done nothing wrong because he wasn’t flirting. He spoke to me like dirt on his shoe so I told him to get out. I think this genuinely shocked him and he tried to retrieve the situation but I stood strong and asked him to go. We decided we would talk and see what happened...

After a couple of days I began to miss him. He found this difficult because I wanted to talk to him but had also said I wanted him gone. I get that this could have been confusing but it was very much heat of the moment. We worked it out over a number of weeks. Skip forward three months and we were in a great place. He came to stay with me and my family in lockdown and it was great.

He returned to work last week and we were coping well. It got to late Saturday and he told me he had a job to do but after he had returned I never heard from him. I could see he was on social media so I went onto his Instagram. I found that he was speaking to another girl from work and had been for the majority of the day. Till the night. There were a couple of flirty messages back and forth. I screenshotted these. I couldn’t sleep that night worrying and was up from 4am. The following morning I asked him what he was up to last night and he got angry saying I was checking up on him.

I went back on his account and saw that he had gone and deleted lots of the messages which I had missed while sleeping. When I asked him what he was doing on Instagram he said he must’ve just been scrolling through but I obviously knew this was a lie. I gave him 2 opportunities to say which he then said he didn’t want to talk to me. I left it by saying message me when you’re ready to tell the truth. I haven’t heard from him in 3 days.

This has sent my anxiety through the roof. I’ve got this horrible sickness feeling in my stomach. I want this to work so bad but I feel that there’s a lack of trust and I just want him to be truthful. I feel like I’m a secret down to him as he has no pictures of us to show anyone (which he has done previously) and never posts pictures of us together anymore.

I just want advice on what to do next. Do I keep trying to make this work or is it dead in the water. Mentally I have found this extremely challenging and just want to hear people’s points of view.

My point of view is quite straightforward - I think he’s messing you around and for the sake of your own emotional and mental health you’d benefit from walking away. You got together when you were young and it looks as though he is tempted to look around but hasn’t got the emotional/ communication resources to be able to be clear with you about it. Sounds like he has some maturing to do. Do you think you’d benefit from being apart/ would it help you get your head straight?

@Blahblahblahzz
I think a lot of what you are saying is very accurate. I do think time apart would help but that I would seriously struggle and spend the whole time wondering what he was up to.

His behaviour shows how immature he is. He doesn't have the integrity to end it with you but he does want to talk to other girls. If you can't trust him then you should dump him

Telling him you need to move away from the relationship because of what is going on, then having some counselling sessions to help give you insight and perspective on the relationship might be worthwhile. Things aren’t healthy for you at the moment and it’s highly unlikely he is going to change or switch into being a perfect partner of the two of you keep continuing down the current path.

This is hard in that he has previously spoke to you about someone and it went badly for him, in that if it was completely friendship based and you didnt respond well. This could lead him to want to maintain a female friendship but knows you will react badly so is hiding it from you. Equally it could be that he is looking elsewhere and therefore you need to leave without question. If he is looking elsewhere he is done, doesnt have the balls to go or is too lazy to do it himself. Dont settle for it, you deserve better, and will find someone who will adore you and wouldnt think twice about doing what this one is. I would maybe tell him you dont trust him and because he cant be honest you dont see the need to continue the relationship....its not going to be easy either way but dont let the fear of upset put you off making the right decision.

You've outgrown each other and now there is no trust. It won't work. Whilst it is ok to have opposite sex friends, the fact he was immediately defensive and not reassuring speaks volumes. He knows you weren't comfortable with it and has carried on.

You are still very young. End this relationship and move forward with your life before this becomes more toxic than it is.

This is an unhealthy relationship. He will cheat on you if he hasn't already and you trust him so little (for good reason) you think nothing about going through his private messages and questioning him about being on an app.

Unhealthy, unhappy... leave now before you have reasons that make it even harder (marriage, kids)

I feel for you OP. I think he wants to move on but isnt telling you clearly so is hoping you will work it out for yourself. He is being unfair by ignoring you and not being clear but so many men seem to do this. I would back right off, hard as that is and see if he makes any effort to reconcile things. Im afraid you might have to start accepting that its over though. I've been there and it's tough I'm so sorry.

Thanks everyone so far it has been really helpful to hear that I'm not going crazy because that's how he makes me feel.

We have agreed to speak tonight so will have to see what is said there.

Should I make a list of things I want to talk about or just see how it goes?

You are both still young OP and you both need to have a long hard think about if you have the love, the commitment, the respect and the trust, and the want to make it work- long distance plus military is bloody hard, but if you want to make it work you will.

However, If the relationship has reached its natural end, then you would both be better off with a clean break.

This is a really unhealthy relationship.

Clinging onto it to avoid the grieving process for something that once felt good but can't be again is not a good decision. Which is what that "I miss you come back" incident was about. Good things end. We all lose things, we all have to grieve them.

It's unwise to try and make difficult feelings go away by prolonging situations that are not good for us. Sooner or later it has to be faced - only so much space to sweep things under the carpet before it catches you out.

For starters, someone who genuinely loves you would respect you. This behaviour of his is incompatible with both.

Healthy, real relationships aren't like fairytales. It's not a good sign to be rushing along and talking about forever from the very early days.

You would probably benefit from support to learn what healthy adult relationships look like. This is not one and it can't ever be.

@NatJayne87

Unfortunately he didn't tell me about the first one with the girl in Holland, I found out for myself. Plus he said it was friendly but I never saw the messages because he deleted them after I had confronted him. To this day he says there was nothing in it but if you have nothing to hide, why would he delete?

The relationship has run its course. Don’t try to prolong it. You will only get hurt.

sorry, it is very hard but stop doing the 'pick me' dance. People change a lot between 18 and early 20s and he certainly has, probably you have too.

very hard to end your first relationship (or any long relationship) but I think it is time to move on. It isn't just 'talking' to other girls, up all night flirting is different.

let go, be on your own for a while and all will be well. The very best to you.

All you need to ask yourself is does he message male friends through the day and into the night, deleting his messages afterwards? If his argument is that she's "just a friend" and you shouldn't be checking up on him, then why is he doing those things?

This relationship has run its course - he's looking to see what else is out there whilst keeping you in the regular sex/comfort/emotional support role until he monkey branches onto something else. You're young with the world at your feet - be on your own for a while or find a man that is deserving of what you have to offer.

You have other choices than to be feeling anxious over some man child messing you about. Yes, you will be heartbroken because you like the comfort and certainty of what you have - it's all you know at the moment, but don't let a month or so of feeling crappy stand in the way of what you could have in the future with someone who is 10 times the man you have at the moment.

Sorry op , but I think he’s settled down too young (and you!)

You both need to split and find your own way in life.

You've wasted enough of your youth on him and there's no hope for a happy ending. He's cheating and you've outgrown him. End it and move on.

He's cheating on you. What's there to talk about? Just end it and move on. Talking to him about your points/what's going on isn't going to change him in the slightest. You can't make him faithful when he doesn't want to be.

It's always hard to end a relationship when you love someone, but you can't live the rest of your life like this can you? That's what will happen if you don't end it.

This is over OP. You cant trust him anymore and he doesn’t respect you. Don’t keep clinging on to this, you need to move on. Sounds like he has

@popbx - you've had very good advice on this thread - @user135844794 expresses the situation particularly well.

You got together very young (18) - first loves generally are very powerful experiences but there are good reasons why they don't usually convert into life-long commitments. Life is not a fairytale - nor should it be. We change a great deal between 18-30, and for most people their 20s are the time when they have the greatest personal freedom and fewest personal responsibilities. And amongst other things, they are a time for exploring what you want in a long-term relationship. I have noticed (though there may be an element of confirmation bias here) that a lot of women posting on MN about faithless or abusive partners have often got together with those partners at a young age (teens or very early 20s). That doesn't justify their partner's faithlessness or abusive behaviour - of course not - but I think the lack of having experienced single adult life and alternative relationships may well be a contributory factor to the difficulties which they are facing.

It looks like your partner wants the freedom to explore other relationships and actually I think that is fair enough - indeed, I think you should do the same before settling down. What isn't fair is that he isn't brave enough to end it with you and face the consequences of wanting to explore other relationships.

Of course, it feels incredibly painful now. But probably everyone on this thread has been through something similar. We can promise you as an absolute certainty that you will recover from your broken heart though it will take time. You may find that you and your partner reconcile some years hence (that happened to some good friends of mine) or you will move on to have an equally satisfying relationship with someone else. And in the meantime, spend some time enjoying life as a young single woman - the world really is your oyster!

You both know it's over but he's too much of a coward to end things and wants you to be the grown up.

It's so hard when so much of your lives have been entwined for so long.

But leave now and you can probably eventually salvage a friendship. Carry on and you'll end up hating him.

No don't put up with this, you've given him a second chance, he lied about having a job to do but spend that time messaging another girl, carrying on with this relationship is only going to cause more heart break in the future.

I hate to say it but the girl in Holland, it's quite possibly something more went on than you may know, suspicious behaviour to keep in contact with a girl he met away.

It is scary to break up from someone you've been used to for a long time but it would relieve all this stress and anxiety your having and you can start again with someone that loves and respects you.

You're both young and you've outgrown each other. He wants to go off and date other people.

Unfortunately he's not mature enough to be honest and end the relationship with you first. He's treating you like a safety blanket because he doesn't want to be the bad guy that ends the relationship, plus he's scared of the fallout of moving on from such a major part of his life. So it's easier to go behind your back.

Don't ask for explanations - there's no point. Finish it and move on from him.

He's not trying to fix this OP.. He hides the truth.. He gets angry and runs away for days.. He deletes evidence of other women... then comes crawling back angry at you for having 'found him out' .. He's not trying to fix anything.. He's shoving more and more evidence under the rug and hoping you'll just buy it... and shut up..

Update for you all.

We're over.
I feel a strange sense of relief which is odd but I know this isn't going to be easy.

Thanks everyone.