Language used with colleagues/friends

[DontWantToBe]

I’m a bit fragile as I write this, I need gentle approach :/

My husband has form for cheating a few years ago. We did marriage counselling. He did CBT and I had my own therapist too.
At the time we discussed how language and tone used with other female colleagues / friends could be construed. Sometimes I felt he was crossing the line.

Today I looked at his phone. (My fingerprint is registered in agreement but I’ve never felt the need to snoop for a while)

I saw a thread of messages between him and an ex colleague. They both still work in the same industry together but when they worked together he did get a bit of mentionitis, I was torn between wondering if he found her attractive or that he was trying to impress her as she was one of the bosses and he was trying to get a better position.

I’ve seen conversations between them before, all platonic and friendly so I’ve been ok since knowing that.

Messages have been infrequent and there’s nothing going on, but he ended the last text with

“always thinking of you”

Am I going nuts to think that’s a bit much? He even mentioned me a few messages before telling her what he and the family were all up to during lockdown.

I can’t imagine saying those words to my male colleagues?

I’m not afraid to pull him up on it but is it worthwhile?

I might use it with colleagues, but it would only be in a very sarcastic way, and therefore only with colleagues I know wellike.

I can’t help but think it’s him testing the waters - I’ve seen it before.

Nobody says that to a 'colleague' OP let's face it. I cannot imagine having done so with any colleague I had a professional relationship with. Unless there is more to it, they are legitimately good friends and she has just had some sort of devastating life event say- he's just up to his old tricks using what he knows works. Trying to woo women by making them feel important and make clear he prioritising them in some way in the hope they take the bait.

I would certainly discuss it, without accusation and remind him that he has form for using inappropriately intimate language with other women and it has caused major issues. See what he says, perhaps he just can't break the habit. (Not that that makes him any less unappealing)

That’s how I feel for sure. Exhausted by it all but not in any position to leave either, without going into a million details.

It’s no life, really.

And to think he keeps going on about how great it is to spend so much time with me in lockdown

Tbh he just compartmentalises. I’m sure he probably does mean that but there’s just another permanent box in his mind seperate to us

“always thinking of you”

I've never heard a colleague use this term ... EVER

sorry OP

I can only think of two scenarios in which I would even consider using that language:

• extreme sarcasm (so a colleague I knew really well and who was being intensely irritating)
• sympathy for a colleague going through a prolonged medical battle (e.g. cancer)

It's not a casual sign off, unless it's intended as a joke.

If used in the context of her having a difficult time i.e: death of close family member, fine..although the 'always' is a bit over familiar. A simple 'thinking of you' would suffice.

But, yes..I'd have it out with him if he has form.

I asked him.

He isn’t even concerned , he thinks he did the right thing because she’s struggling with getting the businesses back up and running for public and he is keeping touch as he knows she’ll be a great help when we get back up and running in our country.

I told him it comes across as emotive, why can’t he see that? He seems genuinely confused.

Just led to harder conversations and tears

A female ex-work colleague of my OHs once messaged him saying "I love you" after going on about how she misses working with him and really enjoys his company - and when I asked him about it, he didn't see the problem. He didn't say it back to her, he just said thank you and that he misses her.

He made me feel like I was the one with the problem.

I'm still not over it, and it has caused a lot of resentment.

Don't be like me.