Unsure about new guy - no filter!

[outnumbered57]

So I've started talking to someone new and we have been on a couple of dates (non UK).

He ticks a lot of my boxes (I find him physically attractive which is rare for me... he's solvent, seems good with money, very good job, wants something serious, funny, has been reliable so far and seems kind, loves animals...).

We have different views on key things though (his are quite traditional despite him being young) although he is happy to hear/respond to my very liberal views. Nothing bad just different.

Secondly I have noticed he almost seems to have verbal diarrhoea on our dates and say whatever he thinks, no matter how controversial this may be/without context - then when I drill a little deeper it becomes clearer that he has a reason to feel that way.

E.g. he mentioned some of the women on his team at work (who have since left - he works in v male dominated area, same as me) were hard work. It seems like they were e.g. one apparently cried a lot, the other did no work, the other barely spoke, but it seems controversial to say that. I get the impression he has no filter so says what he means and then thinks about it after - and dont think hes malicious or prejudiced, just very blunt!

He is from a non privileged background and also started talking about the concept of the "underclass"/chronic deprivation in society and how certain types of workplace recruit certain people e.g. commented on how his workplace basically just wasn't diverse and there were not many people with non-southern accents. I just couldn't see where he was going with his point (turned out nowhere! He was just making a comment around it) so I said I liked accents and he said he did too, but wasn't it weird how very few people in our industries spoke with non-RP accents... (He sort of has one but his family don't)

I do find him interesting and funny, but not sure whether to keep seeing him or to cut short here? I can't work him out! Have had some odd experiences with dating seemingly lovely people for a couple of months before finding out that he had very weird view so am paranoid of this happening again. I don't necessarily think he does, just that he has no filter and speaks whatever is on his mind before thinking...

If your not sure, I would take that more of a no than a yes, if you really like someone there is no questioning. It is off puttting when people are negative about others, especially when you don't know them well and the sitiuation they are talking about.

I have a colleague who is blunt and has no filter. Once I got to know him well, I realised that these are outward signs that he is self-absorbed and lacking in empathy. I would therefore proceed with caution and be looking for signs not just that your date 'seems kind' but that he is kind and considerate and that he can take your point of view and feelings into account.

If he was commenting on women in general being bad colleagues because they all cry or are lazy, then big red flag. But commenting on the characteristics of individuals is fine to me. He's not saying his colleague are hard work because they're female, just those colleagues were hard work and happen to be female. Has he ever commented on male colleagues? Really depends on the phrasing. I have a female colleague who bursts into tears frequently in the staff room. I don't blame that on her being female, I blame that on her being a mega drama llama.

I was brought up middle class wa 'posh' accent and have worked in sectors where certain 'types' were definitely favoured, with some token 'oddball geniuses' with non rp accents. I think many industries have an accent bias still. I'm now in education in the South and it's very obvious that people certain accents are perceived as having had a better education, so totally agree with him on that!

I see neither of these as controversial at all. (Depending on how he phrases his comments on female colleagues).

Neither of those examples are controversial, sounds pretty normal to me, no filter needed.

I know you didn't ask about We have different views on key things but this would meant to me no chance of any serious relationship.

Being blunt in certain cultures is a sign of dominance "I know better and you listen and follow" so impossible to comment on the rest without knowing his background.

The other weird thing he said was that if he saw colleagues on transport home in the evenings & he was drunk/had been out, he would get chatting to them despite normally being quite reserved. And then he laughed and said, oh next morning I cringe and think, god what was I talking about - hope I didn't say anything racist!!

He saw my reaction and I must have flinched because he immediately said, that was a joke!

Thought that was a really weird thing to say?!

as a disclaimer, he doesn't seem racist and I would never entertain the thought of going out with someone who did! Eg we were discussing me potentially living in another Anglo country one day, and he said (rightly) I don't know, some of the people in xyz city are pretty racist! And that neighbouring city was far more liberal and he would prefer to live there...

Just seemed weird :s

Hmm rings alarm bells to me! It sounds like he might be one of those who thinks that white working class men are the most discriminated against group. I'd ask some direct but open questions about things that you feel strongly about, you'll soon find out if you are compatible if he really has no filter.

I think if you're questioning it this much then he's probably not for you.

To be honest, you do sound a little bit like you're looking for problems, even if you don't mean to.

@QuentinWinters we have had a chat along those lines and he definitely doesn't hold those views! Thank god...

@TeaMeBasil fair point, I am not super experienced and have been burnt badly before so do tend to look for problems :( I am just nervous of getting involved with someone and then it ending badly! But I guess you never know

In my experience people with no filter are normally inconsiderate and don't care if the hurt others feelings. Also I say people, it's normally men.

How old is he op? He sounds quite immature.

@Artartart he's early 30s... thats the concern :s

He's just saying what he thinks. He sounds OK to me. It depends how he treats you and you need to get to know much more before making a decision.

I think he sounds very immature, tbh.

If he was female, would you be friends with him?

If he worked with you, would you want to be at the next desk to his?

Is there any chance he's just super nervous on dates? Or does this just seem like who he generally is? (I appreciate you might not be able to tell that of course!)

Either way if you're not feeling it, you don't have to justify ending it.

nothing from what youve said he said springs out particularily to me-

(on the workplace thing, i might agree with him! in that many big corps make a big song and dance about diversity but when you drill down there seems little diversity of backgrounds there.)

if it were me, id see how it goes- but pls dont feel obliged to look for reasons to finish it- wanting out is good enough.

We have different views on key things though (his are quite traditional despite him being young) although he is happy to hear/respond to my very liberal views. Nothing bad just different.

Nothing bad. Yet. I would be wondering if the extent of his "traditional views" will raise their ugly head in the future. Right now, you really don't even know him at all.

He sounds like he’s enjoying expressing himself and exploring/teasing out controversial/big issues verbally (which I’m like too). A lot of bright high achieving people I’ve dated have been like this!

I actually don’t like socialising with people who don’t do this. I find people who are quiet, or who stick to saying/doing the “right” thing a bit difficult to get intimate with.

I’ve dated too many types who are all “right-on” and love refugee charities and hate the Tories and Trump - and also are the most creepy, manipulative types with the least to offer.

But it’s horses for courses - if you don’t feel good with him then find someone else to date.

I can’t work out if it’s just the content of what he’s saying that you’re about or if you’ve got the “ick” factor - being embarrassed of him, not liking his mannerisms, that kind of thing.

If you’ve got the ick factor it’s quite hard to come back from.

If he's not racist then it's a bit odd that he worries he might've said something racist whilst drunk.

It could just be nerves and him waffling. From personal experience I once dated someone a bit like this. I put it down to nerves and him being a bit blunt/cheeky chappy. Over time he said quite a few things that had me and looking back he was just a downright rude person.

Could be testing to see if you will just accept his 'out there' comments without protest. Especially ones with a hint of sexism or racism.

The comment about underclass ect... would put me on edge as I've heard a lot of vulnerable narcissists (with victim mentality) go on and on about the privilege of the upper classes elect...and their own class struggle blah blah. So I'd be on the look out for other 'poor me, I've had it so hard' sob stories. Or 'it's me against the world's set ups.