Need reassurance so badly - or should I just end it?

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

Been with OH for 18 months and they’ve been rocky at times but overall very happy. I was reading the love bombing thread and I guess you could say that was him at the beginning - he fell in love with me very quickly and was very open about how he felt. The difference is, now that has worn off to some extent he’s in no way abusive or even unkind, just distant and not as loving.

This was hard enough before lockdown but it’s intolerable now - we’ve only seen each other twice, distanced and although we’re always in touch - we speak or text every day - and he’s adamant things are fine between us, all of the romance and affection has pretty much gone.

I’m so desperate for some reassurance that he still feels the same about me but even when I openly ask him he refuses to give it, just says everything is fine and this is the way things have to be for now - tbh it hurts that he won’t see me as I’d have taken the risk but I do respect his opinion on that. But I look back through his old messages and it kills me that he can’t speak to me like that again. Normally I’d just say hey it’s a bloke, they don’t show their feelings, but I know he’s capable of it.

I just don’t understand him. He’s made it very clear he wants to be with me but beyond that we may as well not together. I don’t know whether it’s just that he’s finding lockdown tough and has shut himself off or if he genuinely isn’t bothered any more but in that case why not just say? He’s suffered badly with depression in the past so I do try and give him space/support/whatever and not expect too much but at the moment I’m getting nothing.

I’d break it off because the constant worrying and wondering are not good for me especially just now, but it’s not a conversation to have by text or over the phone - he’s likely to just blank me so I really need to speak to him face to face.

I think I just need to detach myself emotionally from him until this is over but I’ve no idea how to do that and the fact I’m so into someone who refuses to give me what I need does really depress me.

Seeing him is the only thing I’m looking forward to when this is over but I wonder if I’m wasting my time, for whatever reason he just doesn’t appear to feel the same about me - is he seeing (well talking to just now) someone else? Did he not find me attractive any more when we met up? Am I just a safety bet to help his loneliness and self esteem?

So sad and nobody I can talk about this with irl 😥

What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t just dump me, what does he want from me?

• Could be a power thing. He gets a feeling of power from witholding from you. People like this are usually terrified of intimacy.

• He's keeping you on the back burner, he may be in communication with someone else and that's where all his energy is going at the moment. It's easy to meet others during lockdown via social media and online dating.

• He was all about the romance and the idea of it but isn't really interested in a relationship. Doesn't want to put the effort in.

• Ego. He likes knowing you're there and desperate for attention from him.

The interesting thing here OP is that your post is about him and not you. A good guideline in any relationships is: how does it make me feel? Do I feel good about myself and the relationship, confident, supported, reassured, loved or do I feel like a hamster on a wheel?

If it's the latter then get out of the relationship. I would put having a relationship to the side for the time being and work on yourself otherwise you're going to keep having relationships with fuckwits.

The above message OP is the one to send.

He is wasting your time.
You are wasti g your time.

He sounds like a twat.

Focus on working on yourself.

If your not getting what you need from the relationship, then express your concerns to him, if he can't put in the same amount of energy into the relationship as you, then your just not compatible. He might be truthful and tell you his reasons if not and you choose to walk away, don't spend as long in a short relationship ignoring your gut feelings.
Don't feel bad if this is not working out, not every relationship is going to make it long term, it's about learning what you happy with.

tbh it hurts that he won’t see me as I’d have taken the risk

Do you live very far apart? Are you in England?

For a couple of weeks now we've been allowed to meet someone as long as we stay 2m apart. Even members of the shielded group have now been advised it's considered safer /ok for them to meet someone, if they like.

How he's acting doesn't sound good/nice OP.

I think it's really key to say here that he says things are ok and you don't agree but it doesn't seem like he's bothered by your feelings in this at all. If he knows how much this matters to you and is deliberately withholding affection, that is cruel.

I used to follow my ex around when we were together, wishing he would give me something and for a long time that 1 kind comment out of 100 knockbacks was enough to keep me hooked but I got out and the thing I value more than anything in my current relationship is consistency.

It should be you and him against the world together, not mind games and dissatisfaction over something which is clearly so important to you. You deserve better.

@NoMoreDickheads we are in England yes and we live about 1/2 hour apart. We’ve met twice for a distanced walk but he’s working in a key role (not NHS or anything but not very distanced) so he’s very against meeting anyone if he doesn’t have to - can’t help finding that an excuse though even if I respect his reasons.

It genuinely does feel like he’s with holding affection but whether that’s because he’s finding the situation hard and has retreated into himself as men tend to I don’t know.

Just seen your name, OP! Are you a big Elvis Costello fan, too?

He's hedging his bets until something better comes along.. trust me OP..

I really hope not but beginning to look that way 🙁

@HollowTalk yes I am, good spot!