AIBU - is it worth continuing?

[Bramblebear92]

I've posted a bit about this in the live apart partners in lockdown thread. I've not seen my boyfriend in nearly four months and I'm really starting to struggle. We were long distance before, but saw each other every few weeks which was fine. He point blank is refusing to break lockdown or stay at my house until it's 'allowed.' I could understand this more if he was a stickler for the rules, but he's really not and he's openly admitted he wasn't socially distancing at work. His previous reasoning was that he was working so he was worried about spreading it to people at work. Now he's no longer working he's saying it's because his brother is 'vulnerable' due to being slightly over-weight

I even suggested to him if he's really stuck on not breaking lockdown then we could meet outside for the day so we can see each other, but he's said it's 'too far' to travel just for the day. It's about 2 hours, but that honestly made me feel more upset than anything because it feels like he's saying I'm not 'worth' his precious time. Especially as this would be for my Birthday.

He also claimed it's illegal to travel more than five miles. I sent him a link pointing out that this isn't the law in England, but he just ignored it.

I've spent most of today miserable and in tears. I could do another four weeks with an end in sight, but this feels hopeless and I feel like he won't see me even if/when it's allowed and I'm starting to wonder what's the point? For context we've been together 5 years and everything was fine before lockdown. I personally feel like he is the kind of person where, the longer he spends apart from me, the less he misses me. He does call me almost every day, but I'm getting tired of the same old conversations and feeling like pen pals rather than a couple. I've found lockdown very hard mentally - lost my job and was also totally isolated in a flat for two months. The thought of seeing him again and being able to enjoy a picnic outside or a walk by the river has been one of the few things keeping me going. I'm now starting to feel like it'll never happen and I'm seriously questioning if there's any point continuing the relationship

It does sound like flogging a dead horse. Have a frank conversation with him and if he wont step up I guess that's your answer

I don't think he's supportive of you OP.

He's making every excuse under the sun not to see you - even for your birthday? He's checking out of this relationship. Five years of seeing each other every few weeks is a long time......maybe he has someone closer to home.

May I suggest joining the dating threads here. They're very supportive and I think you need to talk this out a bit. It does sound rather unfulfilling though - what are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Should have added - we haven't always been long distance. We used to live in the same city and I pretty much lived with him then. His mum passed away last summer so he moved back in with his brother during the time she was ill. I moved to London at the same time for a job.

I think it's a poor show and a very bad sign that he wouldn't meet you outside on your birthday even with a two hour drive.

He's not prioritising you or treating you very nicely. I remember DP once telling me he would drive an hour if he only had 5 minutes to see me. I knew then that he saw me as important and a priority.

I'd tell him you are considering ending this as he clearly isn't bothered about you. See what his response is. Actions speak louder than words.

This sounds exhausting OP. He's not into the relationship enough to make the effort you need from him.

You are not asking a lot for him to just come visit you / meet up for a walk or something, if he doesn't want to stay.

It sounds like you've gone into desperation mode suggesting things and sending links to the rules etc which is probably pushing him further away but I think that's almost a good thing because it's shown that you two aren't compatible so you could now accept that and move on from him.

I know it's shit but this isn't a healthy and happy relationship and after five years, it shouldn't be this hard or this incompatible.

It sounds like the relationship has run it's course and he's waiting for you to end it. If he really wanted to see you, he would.

Thanks for the responses. He is on the autistic spectrum, not sure if that really makes any difference...

I suppose the reason I'm reluctant to end it is because pre-corona everything had been great. The last time I saw him, which was Valentine's weekend, I was sick but everything was perfect really. He calls me for several hours a day most days, but I've just become more disengaged because it feels a bit pointless if it's never going to lead to being re-united.

Do you ever discuss post-lockdwon? Or have a long term plan to live together or at least closer to each other?

He was going to move in with me pre-lockdown, but then got a job that meant it wasn't feasible. He plans to move out of his mum's old house this year, but it's not financially doable at the moment. I also rent a room that's single occupancy only so it's all a bit tricky. I think post lockdown he says he'll visit, but only once it's allowed legally. He's worried about being stopped by the police etc. but I think that's very unlikely.

I feel like I'm in a more vulnerable/emotional position at the moment because my life is so empty. If I was still working and distracted, I think I'd have handled the separation a bit better. He's been working 60 hour weeks until recently, where as I've just been slowly falling into depression. I keep trying to set a schedule etc. but I've found every day of lockdown harder. I really do badly without routine and I've lost so much confidence since this whole thing began.

Thanks for the responses. He is on the autistic spectrum, not sure if that really makes any difference...

I think it's really important to understand that while some of his behaviour may be due to his autism, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with him if you're unhappy.

I have bipolar and before I found the right treatment, I was very difficult to deal with. A partner would have been right to leave me if that behaviour was making them unhappy.

My mental health doesn't trump other peoples just because I have bipolar. His expectations and preferred communication skills don't trump yours just because he is autistic.

Don't forget that

You shouldn't be begging him to date you. Forget him

I don’t think he is as committed as you would like him to be. I also think you looking for signs it’s not as bad as all that.

For example, you say you were going to live together pre lockdown until he got a job elsewhere. But why did he apply for a job elsewhere and not in London where you live? Generally employment was easier to find in London. That’s not a man looking to advance the relationship. After five years you should be going forward not backwards.

Sounds like his life is settled where he is. I would focus on addressing your mental health and own employment.

I suppose the reason I'm reluctant to end it is because pre-corona everything had been great
It’s been five years and the relationship has moved backwards. Why carry on?

You need to rip the plaster off and allow yourself to heal. The relationship is dead x