Does my friend love me? Not sure how to handle this

[Greyskysbluesea]

Long post alert!

3 years ago I met a man, we quickly realised we were attracted to each other and embarked on a fwb relationship which with hindsight was not my smartest move. 3 times I ended things and 3 times he came back and like a fool I let things carry on. The longest we have been without contact has been 5 months. Last summer he done something very hurtful to me and I ended it again and told him I wanted no more contact with him.

Fast forward to around February this year. He springs up again. We started talking. I told him that I had no interest at all in anytning sexual with him. We have been in close contact ever since, well as much as we can be given the current situation. He tells me every day I am his best friend and he doesn't know what he would do without me. Mutual friends refuse to believe there is nothing romantic going on.

I am convinced he does have strong romantic feelings for me. I am not sure how I feel, if I'm truly honest I would say I do love him but I don't want to be hurt again. Here's my dilemma. I am starting to worry about how things will be after lockdown. I am worried I will be jealous of him dating other women. I am also worried how he will feel when I date other men. I know all this sounds immature. He has said in the past he does not want a relationship with me and that's fine but there's something holding me back, I feel like he's holding me back. We are basically like a couple minus the sex. We get along so well with each other. I really don't want to get into a situation where I have to walk away from being friends. I've done this before and he declared his love for me and said he couldn't live without me. No matter what we do he always comes back. I don't want I hurt him but there's no way any man I dated or any woman he dated would accept how close we are.

I guess I just need a 3rd 4th and 4th pair of eyes to give me some advice.

You need to stop the "friendship" and go through the pain of no longer having him in your life - while you're in this situation, you won't be able to move on with your life and you're just dragging it out. It's not a friendship when you're hanging out for more.

Thanks for replying pp. Tbh anytime I've broken it off I've been fine, I move on with my life. It seems to be him who can't move forward. I don't want to hurt him but I just don't see how this can work. I don't think he's being honest with himself. All I can see is confusion in the future when we all get out of lockdown.

No he doesn't love you, your not enough for a relationship, he's probably hoping to reconnect as fwb again and trying to build your trust first. I expect your not the only female like this in his life either.
More trouble than it's worth.

You don't have to keep letting him back into your life. You choose to reciprocate.

Category12 this is very true. Its hard as we seem to be so drawn to each other however this is the first period of 'friendship' where nothing physical has happened and I made sure he knew that from day 1 this time. As time has passed tho I've started to realise that this is a bit of a bonkers friendship, it's not platonic. I suppose the positive this time is that I kept my self respect in tact by not sleeping with him. I do believe if nothing else he genuinely values our friendship however we are clearly not on the same book let along the same page.

He sounds like he’s unsure about life in general tbh. Has he got a strong sense of himself, what he wants out of his career/ family/ future? He’s been a FWB/ hurt you badly/ now dipping his toe back in the water. Do you want this kind of relationship or something more solid?

OP I was in the exact same situation a few years ago. He kept telling me that he didn't want to be with me but I'd find any excuse or hidden meanings behind things he said or did to convince myself he did love me because I loved him deeply and found it hard that he didn't feel the same. Eventually I decided I deserved better and I let him go although it was painful, you should do the same.

If someone wants to be with you, they won't leave you guessing, they'll just tell you.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's certainly given me a lot to think about today. I think I am going to need to draw a line under this one and move on once and for all. How do I do this without looking like an arsehole? Do I retreat gradually? Do I sit him down and have a chat, if so what should I say? I want to try and leave things positively and not have any bad feelings.

Dear John, I don't think this friendship is good for either of us, there's so much baggage with it and it's too much when you say things like you don't know what you'd do without me. I think it's stopping both of us from moving on with our lives, so I'd like to draw a line a here and wish you well.

And block.

There are way too many people out there doing this. They want to sleep with women/men and get them to fall for them, but don’t actually want to commit. They also don’t want the woman/man they’re sleeping with to sleep with anyone else and can become possessive about it. If I were you OP I would lay your feelings on the line and be direct about it. Tell him you want a relationship or nothing at all. That way he knows your intentions are serious and he either commits to a relationship or he leaves you alone to move on and find someone who can give you what you’re looking for. It will be hard emotionally but you have to bite the bullet or you’ll be going round in circles forever and a day!