Withholding sex

[MrsPinkLady]

That's my situation. Husband won't touch me - he says it's to punish me because I'm a bad wife. It's a special type of humiliation when a man you're involved with doesn't want to have sex with you. I've tried to seduce him but he just says 'I know what you are doing so stop it'. So I don't bother trying anymore because I just feel humiliated.

He doesn't want a divorce, when I tell him I'm unhappy and want to leave he says he doesn't want me to go and will make a nice small gesture such as making me a cup of tea or buying me a chocolate bar. And then he says he will have sex with me again when my behaviour improves. But he doesn't.

I feel so trapped and unfulfilled. Uncared for I suppose. And then I feel pathetic for feeling like this because we don't need sex and I don't know why I feel like I want it so much. I wish I could stop feeling that desire to have that closeness with someone. I've googled how to live and be happy with a celibate life but the feelings and desire for an intimate relationship keep coming back. Has anyone experienced similar and what did you do?

I have never hit anyone (apart from a bully when I was 12) but if someone said this to me I would slap them. Who the FUCK does he think he is. Ugh. Creepy.

Check up on him. I'd put money on it he's spending money on bdsm/hookers. He's definitely got something seriously wrong with him.

As for the 'reason'? Honestly people, there isn't one! It's all just made up to play games. Oh. My. God. You poor thing - your self esteem must be at rock bottom.

This isn't even close to normal. No one can live like this. Please accept this is completely dysfunctional.

If you want to get a second opinion go to relate or Skype them on your own. No one will tell you to try and accept this or save the relationship.

Talk to your friends (if he hasn't driven them away). Bring this out into the open. Shine the light on it. Right now he's got you locked away where no one knows what's happening and you're asking us if this is ok/possible to live with. That's a very bad sign. Please get help, and support.

Also he ticks off a lot of signs of a sociopath - I wouldn't say that lightly but as a PP said he really does sound sadistic and unable to empathise at all.

You are a source of something for him - power. He wants to control and devalue because he is incapable of affection and love.

Do you recognise much of the behaviour in this list?

Run away! This isn't going to get any better.

This is not a normal relationship. This is an abusive relationship.

Jesus Christ leave him! Listen to the unanimous advice to run like the wind.

@MrsPinkLady

Your husband is a bastard. The idea that you’re a ‘bad wife’ and he gets to punish you - that is totally sick. I genuinely felt physically ill reading it. This is serious emotional and psychological cruelty and desperately abusive. Sexual intimacy is the key thing that distinguishes a marital relationship from other non-romantic relationships. You certainly should not be trying to accommodate this cruelty by trying to crush your libido.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? I’m guessing you had poor relationship role models and were probably also neglected by your parents. So you don’t value yourself and you try to sublimate your needs. That’s why your instincts have not yet caused you to run like the wind from a man who is capable of treating you so cruelly.

Because that’s what you need to do. And you don’t need his agreement for a divorce.

It's actually one of the most evil, cruel, callous and cold things I've ever heard of. There's clearly a deep seated rage and need to destroy you. Coupled with a desire to look normal to the outside world and have a convenient life.

Even if he is impotent or gay that wouldn't make this happen. This is something very sick and dark.

OP no one you meet again will come even close to this. He's also hiding something. Be very careful, but find it, for your own peace of mind. And fgs get money he doesn't know about set aside and a safe way to get out when you've prepared.

This isn't about sex. This is about power and his sickness.

A cup of tea and chocolate is all it takes up keep you quiet? Something is seriously wrong here.

@Dery "Your husband is a bastard. The idea that you’re a ‘bad wife’ and he gets to punish you - that is totally sick. I genuinely felt physically ill reading it. "

I know. Me too. It's actually very disturbing and I am not easily disturbed. This is the kind of guy who is a serial rapist - and no I'm not being melodramatic. There's some right bastards you hear about on here, but this is another level.

Have a read about attachment theory OP, it's not the sex that's key to you it's the feeling close to someone. He sounds like a right 'mare, get rid and be kind to yourself.

I agree with @dery is this the pattern of what you think a relationship should be?

Oh OP, my situation was (is?) the same. I’ve name changed as it’s embarrassing but I want you to know you aren’t alone. Because it’s a horrible situation.

My husband didn’t want to sleep with me. But it started easily on. We moved in together after 8 Months and immediately he started rejecting me, saying there was something wrong with me for wanting sex. The signs were there from 6 weeks in. Little dogs about how I wanted sex so much (it was a normal level).

He used sex as a reward. He said he would have sex with me if ‘I was good’ or if it behaved’ but never told me what I was doing wrong. I was never able to be good enough.

I just wanted to feel close to him. I believed that if we had sex it would magically make him love me and become normal. When we did have sex it was awful, he made it clear he didn’t want to be doing it, would stop and shout at me saying I was doing it wrong. It was soul destroying.

Part of his problem was a huge porn addiction. He was annoyed that a real woman wanted sex.a few years in I Worked this out and long story short a few years later I pretended to want threesomes, pretended that I wanted him to sleep with other women, pretended I was bi, would sit next to him while he chatted to women on line and wanked, did some things on camera that made me feel sick and humiliated - but he liked it and wanted to have sex with me, because he was happy abs getting what he wanted. I’d also turned into a step ford wife. He didn’t lift a finger, I didn’t say a word. I was finally good enough.This carried on for a few months until I couldn’t Take it anymore. I was on anti depressants because of it and thought I was having a breakdown. Of course, he blamed me for ‘tricking him’.

I then didn’t want to have sex with him. I’d be happy never to have sex with the disgusting, evil bastard again. (I’m fairly trapped due to children and money).

Which has solved the sex problem. Now that I don’t want to have sex with him, he wants to have sex with me. Because it’s about control.

You aren’t alone.

I posted a few threads about this over the years, at the start. I got the “is he gay?” Questions. He’s not gay, he’s mentally ill. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with your husband as there is with mine and I’d bet my life that this isn’t the only issue with him.

Please leave him if you can

@Mrssmopp - you say you are fairly trapped due to children and money but is there really no way you can get away? You don’t need to submit to emotional and psychological torture for anyone’s sake and your DC won’t thank you for staying in a soul-destroying marriage - this is their role model for relationships and you don’t want them to replicate it. But also it’s just completely unacceptable for you to live like that. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. There was an incredibly sad post recently from a woman in her mid-40s who had been with her abusive partner for her entire adult life and never managed to leave and had just received a diagnosis that she was terminally ill. She was pleading with people not to make her mistake. It wouldn’t surprise me if living for decades with emotional and psychological cruelty had contributed to her illness.

As for money, I take it he controls the finances (abusers often do) but you save small amounts as you plan your departure and also claim benefits if need be as well as child maintenance.

This is bizarre. Run, don’t walk.

I'd be an even worse wife if someone said that to me.

What is this the 1960's!

He's blaming you for his lack of sexual desire.

@Dery no, I actually control the finances. We are just broke. I
Know about benefits - we already claim
Them even though we both work full time, low wages. I can’t leave. I’ve been told to numerous times but life isn’t that simple for a lot of people.

I won’t go into it as it’s not my thread, I’ve had numerous but I live with it. It sort of helps that I work with severely mentally ill people and I can see it and his behaviour from a medical point of view.

I just wanted to let the OP know she isn’t alone and none of it is her fault.

@Mrssmopp - understood and you’re quite right: it’s important not to derail OP’s thread - poor etiquette on my part. Sorry to you and OP!

What ‘bad behaviour’ could possibly justify this OP?!

This is awful OP I am so sorry.

This is totally unacceptable but I’d like to know what he believes makes you a bad wife?

Your feelings are normal! You need to LEAVE THIS MAN as soon as possible and you will find someone who gives you what you need

You need to get away from this man, OP.

What's your housing situation - do you rent or do you have a mortgage?

Do you work?

Do you have children together?

Do you have supportive parents?

I had an ex like this, knew how much I enjoyed sex and would happily hold it over me until I'd earned it. This latter led to withholding any form of affection. I understand, it leaves you feel worthless, unattractive and that there is something wrong with you. There isn't, he is just an abusive asshole who has eroded your confidence to such a degree that, like with my ex, you accept the scraps he chucks your way as all you deserve. Unfortunatly he doesn't get to decide about the divorce nor about you leaving. I would strongly advise you get things in motion with the intent to leave him. I did this and planned it over a week. Leaving was hard but staying was even harder. I ended up meeting DH and he is a far cry from my ex. He treats me as I deserve to be treated and my self esteem has rocketed.. If you stay you will end up a shell of the person you were and I speak from experience. You deserve so much more than that. Also he will try and talk you round if you do leave. Dont engage with it. I dont know if you have children but if you do set up an email specifically for them and use that, dont engage to anything that isnt about them.if you dont then block and let the solicitors deal with it. I guarantee once you start the ball rolling and go forward you will feel so much better. It will take a while but there isnt a price on your self esteem. Wish you all the best . Feel free to pm me if you want to talk some more. I do really understand what you are going through

And then he says he will have sex with me again when my behaviour improves

OP does this come across as functional behaviour to you? People pay good money for that kind of treatment but it tends to be consensual and within a fetish relationship.

I can't quite get my head around what's going on. He tells you that you're a 'bad girl' and because you're 'bad' he won't have sex with you. He hasn't told you how you're bad or why you're being punished but he sometimes buys you bars of chocolate when you're good.

Have you any idea how that sounds?

Are you completely isolated? It's usual for abusers to isolate their victims so they don't have a sounding board for the increasingly coercive behaviour and they lost contact with normalcy. Unless of course, they were brought up in abusive households and don't have a clue what normalcy is.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and talk to someone about this behaviour which is sexually abusive and degrading. He is degrading and humiliating you OP. he doesn't get to 'punish' you for imagined infractions. He's not a headmaster and you're not his naughty schoolgirl. He sounds mentally unwell.

I actually think you should have an affair. You'll get some much needed perspective and hopefully some of your self esteem back. Then you can leave.

Someone has probably said this, but it sounds to me as though your husband has a downstairs problem. Possibly can’t get it up, and to deal with his humiliation he turns it on you. Makes it your fault. He’s a twat.

Hi OP I hope you're OK
people have said that this is abusive behaviour and I know that may be hard to hear, but I think they are right
if you can find the freedom programme near you, check it out, you will see his behaviour in a new light and you will get support as well
good luck