Something I learnt about abuse that others might find useful!

[Fightingback16]

Today I think I realised something about my
abusive husband and I wanted to share in case it makes anyone else feel better like it did me.

I realised that it wasn’t an attack on me personally like it deeply felt. There wasn’t something about me in particular that was wrong, needed changing etc etc. It was just a man trying to empty an identity from a body to get less resistance. It was very un-personal. It wasn’t me who was the problem, I could have been anyone or anything. I could have been strong, weak, exactly matched to him, any quality would have needed to be muted. So it wasn’t personal. I couldn’t have spoken up more, loved him more, loved myself more as none of that would have made a difference, it was never about me. I don’t need to feel deeply hurt because it was never an attack on me. There was never actually anything wrong with me.

Abuse feels so personal, an attack on your qualities and identity, it left me feeling what was wrong with me, what could have been done different, why me. Nothing was wrong or right to be honest, my husband didn’t even acknowledge my identity to even dislike it, it just had to go so I could focus on him.

Yep, someone had a thread on here about narcs and one of the points mentioned was to remember it isn't personal, they're just seeking supply. They do it in one form or another with everyone.

It felt personal at the time because I was the one denied an identity but he didn’t attack my identity in particular it was just the consequence. So I don’t now need to feel like I can’t be me because something was wrong or at fault. I really hope that makes sense.

Realising it wasn't me because I could have been anyone was both liberating and insulting in equal parts.

That’s a very powerful insight to have got to fightingback16 I hope it brings you even a tiny chink of much needed peace, clarity and mental space.

But keep being kind to yourself - you still
have actually been deeply wounded.

This is so true and yes, it still hurts that it could have been anyone. But you now know you are not the problem, His insecurity is his problem.
Live your life and be happy, you don’t need him.

Yes those things still happened and they still hurt but it makes me feel better because I never spoke up to him or fought back. I’ve been annoyed with myself because I could have at any time walked away. I thought I was just weak like a little lamb. But then I thought if it’s not personal then it’s not about weakness. If I was strong then that part of my identity would also have needed removing. Everything needed removing so it didn’t matter who I was.