sick to my stomach

[gutsick]

Sorry, am newbie so apologies for posting in the wrong place before.

Started going out with a new partner just before lockdown. We decided to spend lockdown together and this weekend just gone was going to be the end of our time in lockdown as life is returning t "normal". We were going to continue relationship from each others houses. He's been lovely, although a few little things niggled (I thought I was ready to live with someone now I'm not so sure).
Biggest niggle was eating habits - I tend to try healthy, he doesn't. I talked this over with a friend & decided to go with the flow and worry when I got back home. My friend and I discussed that this could be form of control but I'd dealt with it internally (so I thought).
Over the weekend a lot of alcohol was consumed.. I started on him rather loudly/drunkenly and told him he was controlling. Now, I'm never like this - I've never done this before... I'm never in the position to get that drunk and I do not know where this all came from. He is understandably horrified (I'm sick to my guts both with this drunken behavior and what I said).
I have to accept that I have hurt someone very dear to me and I can't see (from his point of view) any way back to the relationship we were building
How do I prevent this happening again ? Control thought was not even at the foremost of my mind...and I have absolutely no explanation for my behavior...

Well alcohol seemed to be the problem here.

Many a terrible thing is said when drinking too much which is why I am teetotal.
Also lockdown is not ideal in a new relationship.
I think you just need to talk to him, apologise, say it was the booze and the cabin fever.
People can eat what they want - it isn't really your business what he eats.

Why you thought living with what was essentially a stranger was a good move is beyond me despite all the other stuff you've mentioned

A few things could be going on...

1. You were drunk and it all came from no where..
2. This is a big issue for you and it all came out
3. You are controlling about food and you are not compatible with this man
4. He is controlling... it is a big step from eating unhealthily to being controlling.. is there more to this..

What do you think?

Why does the fact he doesn't eat healthy make you think he's controlling? or are you saying the controlling thing came from nowhere? Not sure what the link between the food and the outburst is?
From what you've said though, alcohol is to blame here. Although I've never been that drunk that I would start something for no reason - I feel there has to be something underlying here.

So here's the thing. I totally agree with the alcohol comments- and that's something I need to be aware of.... I've never drunk so much in a short space of time.
To answer one question... I decided to take the bull by the horns in living with him.. People did so in the wars & I thought it would be a good idea to find out if we were compatible.... Stress testing if you like.
The food thing... He was a dear but bought me all the wrong things... I have health concerns as does he.. It just made me stress especially as he knew the concerns I had. As my friend pointed out.. If you shop & bring home unsuitable items knowingly, that can be a form of control (especially if he likes particularly curvy ladies) & your lady isn't quite curvy...... Yet

ChateauxMargaux - I didn't think this was a big issue but I've been trying to eat healthily for like the last 10 yrs or so... Not always successfully though.. I did feel pressured into eating any old thing though & thought I'd dealt with it internally.. There were no other red flags.

I agree that alcohol was a mitigating factor... I'm truly horrified & gutted about my actions...I feel totally ashamed to the point I can't discuss it with mates...I'm trying to investigate things to prevent it again. Parter also said I have unresolved issues from my previous long term breakup so am looking for organisations to help. ( more feelings of unworthiness type stuff)
I also have appt booked with dr as I know I'm in the menopausal range & don't know if this is something I should expect... Blimp in well hope not!!!!

I think you need to resolve your issues with food. It sounds like a great source of anxiety and stress for you?

Well the ‘grabbing the bull by the horns’ experiment was a spectacular success . The alcohol made it easier for you to say the things you were already thinking.

How exactly does getting shit faced tie in with your healthy eating lifestyle ?

Just do yourself a favour and end this now because it's clearly not working. And for fuck's sake, stay away from alcohol. You clearly can't handle it.

You met a guy earlier this year before lockdown and moved in together? At his?
Why? How old are you both?
He plies you with food and alcohol of his choice and you're still there?
Sorry for the questions but just get away from him

I'm sorry but the guy needs to be running for the hills

Alcohol is a truth serum and it sounds like you told him what you really thought.

I'd try talking your concerns through with him whilst you're both sober. Is it something you and he can compromise on, if so how etc.

So you're concerned he's a feeder? As in someone with a fetish for larger ladies who is trying to fatten you up?

I can't believe how rude and judgemental some people are being. All you can do is apologise and see what he says. It sounds like you won't be living together for a while as you're not ready so you can broach the food issue then.

I am still confused about how he is controlling.

Hmmmmmmm I am teetotal too because I can’t control my emotions if I drink too much

You sound v remorseful -I’m sure you can get things back on track with him if you want to? For yourself , why don’t you stop drinking ? Sounds like you don’t like the person you became when drunk ..

I'm guessing you stayed with him about 2 months.

With the shopping, did you make requests of the things you liked to eat and how did he respond to that?
Did you do the shopping at times too?

In the time you stayed with him, how often was he drinking each week?

I’m so confused. He isn’t controlling at all. You sound controlling, if anything. He needs to get out, you’ve got drunk and yelled at him for... buying unhealthy food? Buying “the wrong things”? Did you even communicate to him that you would like him to buy you certain food? Fuck me, guy buys a few pizzas and suddenly he’s a feeder. I’m sorry, but you need to drop the idea that he has done anything wrong sharpish.

So you were in a controlling relationship in the past, you're very worried about getting in another controlling relationship, looking out for tiny signs everywhere? Then when you got pissed this all came out?
Maybe you are not ready for a relationship? The fact that you moved him in so fast during lockdown also makes it sound like you're not really aware of how a normal relationship works...

Op it sounds like your issue with food is at the heart of all this. What is it exactly you like to eat? Is it a case if he bought ready meals and you want to cook from scratch or you want a specific organic avocado dusted with unicorn poo and he got the wrong one?

Did you do any shopping?

Op I don't think this is as a big of a deal as you're thinking. Dp and I have had some terrible rows while under the influence. Alcohol makes you act like a twat sometimes it's that simple. It's not ideal if it's happening often but as a one off incident all you can do is apologise, move on and don't do it again. If you think this was a case of you coming out with all the things you'd been bottling up because your inhibitions were down then maybe have a think about how you can address things in a better (sober) way but if you're just feeling bad about a drunken outburst then don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of us have been there.

Hi All
Thanks very much for your opinions.
I AM probably being too hard on myself but I have a list of thoughts & actions from my thinking & your thinking:

1. Probably wasn't the best experience to move in with someone so fast
2. I think maybe I'm not as ready for a 24x7 relationship as previously thought
3. we did well to survive the 24x7
4. Maybe I'm too picky...maybe being on my own made me obsess a bit with food..I'm overweight and expected him to support me in my attetmpts to lose weight
5. Grand scheme, he wasn't controlling with food...I was probably too sensitive.
6. It's been a long time since I drank so much hard liquour - not something I intend repeating.
7. I have some insecurities (as well as this list) to work on.

Lastly, we'll see if he runs for the hills - if he does, he does...

I'd probably apologise, but break up. Food is a source of a lot of stress, anxiety and difficulty for many people, including me! If I felt like I was unable to control my intake in a particular relationship I would probably leave for fear of becoming seriously obsese.

Also consider going teetotal.

Am sure it’ll blow over ! Just talk about it with him and then do some self- work to address your issues ?

He had only just met you, so had no way of knowing how you really feel about food. My bf has put on weight since we met and occasionally says he needs to lose weight. But I tell him that I like big men. That doesn't mean that I prefer him fat, or am trying to fatten him up. If he lost a load of weight and became skinny I'd like him too. But I find big men just as attractive and don't want him to feel bad about his size. I encourage (not force) him to eat regularly rather than leaving out meals as I think he'd be better off getting more exercise rather than starving himself, which is not healthy.
You dont know this guy any better than he knows you. With more time you'd be able to work out what his motives were.