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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional trauma and it's effects on relationships

12 replies

paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 16:47

Hello.Im wondering if you could help me please?
Just wondering if you or your SO have had a traumatic event and how did you/ they react and how did it affect your relationship.
I've consulted dr google but there seems
To be so much information, it's overwhelming so I thought I'd ask for personal experiences if that is ok?
Thanks

OP posts:
User002819532425 · 01/06/2020 17:18

That's a very broad question OP so I'm not sure how useful the answers will be.
But a very good book on trauma and how it affects people is "The body keeps the score", which, before I read it, I thought would be full of New Age guff, but actually it's very readable and down to earth and based on new (-ish) evidence about how the brain operates and what does & doesn't work when treating people who've been through a lot. I really recommend it.

paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 17:32

Thanks for the recommendation. Sorry, I was not being deliberately obtuse but I am
Struggling to deal with my partner after a traumatic event and I worry if it is normal to shut down and detach from family and friends and retreat into his shell. Me included. We don't live together so I find it difficult to know best how to support him.
He is numb and in shock I believe.

OP posts:
paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 18:47

Anyone else please?

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 01/06/2020 19:03

I am sorry OP I don't have any real experience of this but wanted to help bump your thread because I am sure many do and would have valuable advice

This sounds really hard and must be very painful not knowing how best to support (while also suffering the loss of your partner as you knew him). I hope he is getting help in some way? I imagine talking to loved ones is sometimes harder than talking to a counselor, depending on what has happened, he may have things he would struggle to share or worry about burdening you....

I hope you and he find a way out of the distress.

FattyIDingAsThinny · 01/06/2020 19:14

There is no one way to respond to a traumatic event. But retreating into his shell would not be unusual. The Body Kerps the Score is written by the head of the Harvard Trauma Centre - a psychiatrist. Not woo at all, with lots and lots of data to back up what he says.

What you should be looking at, if you want to direct your search, is the type of trauma he's experienced. Look for support groups on FB and forums dedicated to it to read some of what other people have gone through. Look for websites about that specific trauma. As an example, experiencing a tsunami is a traumatic event. So is being carjacked. So is being raped by a stranger. So is being raped by a long term partner. They all have different aspects which impact the individual and how they respond.

Send him sms to say you love him. You're there. You're thinking of him. And don't necessarily write it in a way that needs a response. Tell him you're not going anywhere and are there whenever he wants to talk, and you're there if he doesn't want to talk.

It sounds like something he should be getting support for. I hope he is.

And remember that he's HIM. You can read every account in the world, which will point you in the right direction, but how he is responding to it will be in his way. So as you know him, you can be sensitive to how he is. For example some people would appreciate being given a helpline phone number. Some wouldn't. Some would be touched to know you'd looked for it, some would be annoyed.

And remember that his responses are about him. If he's angry at you, or shutting you out, it's not nice, but it's not you he's actually angry/silent at.

Sorry that he's gone through this and that you are too.

paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 19:34

Thanks.
I will certainly get that book.
His sister took her life and they had no relationship to speak of.
A bad relationship that led to no contact in the end.
He is uncommunicative right now, at best.

OP posts:
ThePathToHealing · 01/06/2020 19:55

I'm sorry to hear of the awful circumstances you and your family are in. I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with.

I have PTSD but the events happened before my current relationship. There are still times when I am unable to speak or communicate and want to avoid everyone. Sometimes I sit and just stare, oblivious.

I think it's really key to encourage some sort of support system for him that isn't solely you. It was a huge pressure for my partner to deal with my breakdown and it caused a lot of strain. Once he saw I was willing to reach out to others, our relationship improved. Would he be willing to see a GP? Are his family grieving together, or is it 'not spoken of'? Hope that's not too intrusive a question.

I can also recommend the body keeps the score.

paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 19:58

He does not want my support or anyone else's. He has shut down and is barely functioning.

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ThePathToHealing · 01/06/2020 20:43

Is he receptive to being with you? Or does he remove himself? Would a gentle touch on the arm or a note of support be well received?

If you're struggling to support him then please see your GP for yourself as it's exhausting caring for someone who seems so lost.

Cruse is a charity that offers bereavement support services including traumatic bereavement. They may be able to give you some advice. www.cruse.org.uk/ and there might be one in your area. They have a freeline phone number as well.

paintinginthesunshine · 01/06/2020 20:54

No he is not receptive to being with me or anyone else. He has shut us out and we don't live together. Thanks for links.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 01/06/2020 23:35

He just needs time OP. It's totally normal to retreat after trauma, please don't think it's a reflection on how he feels about you. If you start to feel panicky because he's withdrawing from you post on here or talk to a friend about it as he won't be in a place to reassure you.

paintinginthesunshine · 02/06/2020 08:26

Thanks.I will but the book and wait.

OP posts:
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