Abuse

[Keeponsurviving]

Lockdown has caused the abuse to escalate, so i have sought outside help and the abuser has agreed to leave as soon as he has somewhere to go which should be in a couple of weeks. In the mean time i am struggling and need some advice and support on how to live in this situation now that i recognise and accept it is abuse and i have allowed it to continue for so long and being gaslighted into doubting my own mind. He refuses to admit it or be sorry for his treatment of me. How do i learn to accept he never will? I realised a while ago that he will never change, given all the chances he's had. I have wasted my life on him and i am so angry with myself and feel so guilty for putting my kids through it

Is there somewhere you and the little ones can go in the mean time?

I hate to say it but its common for abusers to claim they will leave when pos and then right at the last minute, cancel and refuse to go.

Best to think of it as - If he hasnt left yet, he isnt going. And act accordingly.

Who owns the home?

Time to stop wasting another second on this asdhole.

Please don't beat yourself up on this.
Abusers are absolute master manipulators.
It creeps up on you without you even realising it.
But you have now.
And that is great OP so well done.

Have a look on-line at the Freedom Programme / Project. That should help you a lot.
Have a read of the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
In the meantime you need to detach.
If you need to talk to someone, they are very busy, but Womens Aid can help you. They can help you see what is happening. They can also advise good specialist counsellors in your area.

Why can't he leave now? Does he really have nowhere to go at all? No family or friends?
Do you have someone you could go to?
DA means even in lockdown either party can leave and move.

I have been in this situation myself, be prepared for him to not leave at all.
Be this via stalling on finding somewhere else to live or simply trting to get things back to normal.
You're only option then is to wait until the next violent episode and call the Police yo have him removed.
These types if men do not go easily or willingly unfortunately.

The more i read up on it and talk to my parents about it the angrier i feel. It is my home and i pay for everything. I will not leave with my children as 2 out of the 3 have disabilities and it is their home. He has not contributed in a long time and when he did it was not much. He is so selfish and my kids deserve better

Definitely don't beat yourself up about it. I agree with PP and the book by Lundy Bancroft really helped me to see my ex's behaviour.. you can access a free download online.

Whenever you do feel guilty about it all just remember he was the one who abused you, he is the one in the wrong and you know that. Youve done the best for you and your family and now the healing begins.

It's your home and he doesnt contribute? Kick him out. Or wait till he goes out and have the locks changed. Or call the police and tell them your abuser wont leave.

He has nowhere to go? Htf is that your problem?
Get angry. You bloody well should.

He doesn't get physical unless slamming things and throwing things. I have called the police once when he stole and sold something of mine but then i told them not to send anyone and because i was so upset they did. He said they won't do anything when i call them because he hasn't touched me but everyday the neighbours must hear how loud he shouts. I never raise my voice

He is not working due to lockdown so is not earning anything

He has nobody else. He cut off all his family because they were abusive to him when he was a child and into adulthood. None of this i knew about until recent years

You need to bite the bullet and seek police intervention next incident.
When I was on the phone to a friend terrified, now exh snapped the phone cord. Friend had the insight to ring 999 on my behalf. Police told me to get rid of him as he was dangerous. Then it hit home he really was..
I filed for divorce a fortnight later.

I'd believe the 'abusive family' story about as far as I could throw him. Abusers make up shite to try and excuse their shitey behaviour all the time.

"He says they wont do anything because..." because he wants you to feel all alone. There is an aggressive man in your home, you want him to leave but he wont go. That's exactly the sort of thing the police are there to deal with.

It doesn't matter that he has nowhere else to go. That isn't your problem, it's his.

OP this isn’t hard at all. He is in your home and you have no obligation to allow him to remain. It is not your problem or your responsibility that he has no money and nowhere to go. He can go and register as homeless. he lost the privilege of living in your home the minute he started to behave like a twat. You and your DC deserve an abuse free home, which is what it will be the minute you boot his sorry arse out the door.

Fuck him OP. If he wanted to stay he should have behaved like a decent human being. He hasn’t so kick him out, get the locks changed and let him take the consequences of his shitty behaviour.

Because he has a medical condition he has been self isolating so i couldn't throw him out. Now lockdown is slowly being lifted he has been looking at flats but i would have to give him the deposit money as he has no savings

That old chestnut ‘I had an abusive family’
does that give you a pass on being an abusive cunt to your wife and kids?
That’s a pile of shite to justify his vile behaviour.
I had an extremely abusing mother (now 15 yrs NC) the only thing she taught me was how not to be a parent!
Get him out today! no 2/3 weeks arsing about until it suits him, he’s probably nc from his family because he’s been an arsehole to
them.

Sorry but your not responsible to pay his deposit. He is abusive and needs to leave. I would have a low threshold to call the police and have him removed.

Again, his problem. Give him the deposit? Hahahahahahahahahaha. Holy shit! Wtf xD

Is he your kids dad or something? Otherwise I don't know why on earth you would consider paying this person to leave your house when you can just call the police and have him removed for being an abusive bastard.

Sorry op but he is taking the piss. Who do you think he is going to want to use as a fall back on the forms when he cant pay rent? A housing company wont move him in without a garnteur if he has no income. Is that your responsibility too? Of course not!

Time to get your big boy pants on. His problems are not your problem. He thinks your a melanie for removing him when he has underlying health issues? So what. Who gives a stuff what he thinks? He is the bastard who has mooched off you for years and abused you. Time to put a stop to it.

*thinks you're a meanie

No, you don’t have to give him anything OP. the council can help him with that. He won’t pass a credit check anyway if he’s got no job, no way in hell. You have to demonstrate that you have an income of 2.5 times the rent in order to pass a credit check and he doesn’t, so if you don’t kick him out you’ll never get shot, because he’ll make sure he never gets a job.

It is also not your problem that he has a medical condition. If he wanted a safe place to live he should have made sure it was safe by not being a violent intimidating bully, and yes, slamming about and throwing things is violence.

Tell him to go and if he starts call the law. Turn him out and let the authorities deal with him. You don’t owe him anything.

OP I’ve been in a similar situation only it was I who couldn’t find anywhere to live and the council wouldn’t help. It’s miserable and dangerous to be trapped with an abuser, especially when they know it’s your intention to split. You are in danger from this man if you don’t get him out, whether you accept it or not, because when he feels his control slipping god knows what he might do, and you really don’t want either you or the DC to find out. In my case the slamming things and throwing things turned into being bodily thrown across the room and being threatened by a 16 inch kitchen knife, so beware. Please don’t put your DC in that situation and kick him out.

You want to be decent, I get that, but he isn’t decent to you and he’s not decent to your DC if he’s abusing their mother. Being the bigger person in this case is getting him out and protecting yourself and your DC, so do it.

Pay his deposit? 🤣🤣🤣 fuck right off
He can contact the LA homeless services, next time he kicks off call the police to remove him and tell them you don’t want him back as you fear for your safety, they’ll point him to homeless services.

Hi OP

Firstly WELL DONE. You have recognised the problem (him) and know that he will not change. The only solution is to get rid of him.
This is a big step and you need to remind yourself 'better late than never.'
You are reading up, keep doing so. Take all the help you can get from friends and family, there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake trusting this awful man.
Set a firm date with him and ensure others are there to support you removing him.
The moment he's gone you will feel an amazing freedom. You can do this.

Spoken to the council regarding housing and he is now on the waiting list which is very long. He does have a job but is not getting paid as he cannot go to work at the moment so when he can safely return he will start getting paid again. I will pay him to leave if i have to because then he will have no excuse not to secure a flat or even a bedsit. I will not be a guarantor for him. He is on now own and i will no longer help him. He has left before and stayed on a friends sofa but that didn't last long and he came back when he knew i wouldn't be here. I have since taken his key so he can no longer do that when he leaves again. This time it's for good

OP, council housing is a pipe dream for anyone remotely able to find their own accommodation. The quickest way to get his priority band boosted is to kick him out. Then he can present to the council as homeless and his band will be adjusted to reflect his situation. They will have a duty under the housing act to assist him in finding somewhere to live.

This is madness. You do not have to pay deposit for him, the council will help him out with that. You cannot have a violent threatening man in your house with your DC. You are leaving yourself open here. Who’s to say his job, when he does return, will pay enough to pass a credit check? Who’s to say he’ll even return to work if you’re carrying him and he knows he’s out if he does? You cannot apply for flats on his behalf and you cannot sign a contract, it’ll have to be him who does that, and how do you know he’s even try? Why would he move out of your house when he can live at yours for free?

You are being very very foolish indeed here. You’re acting against your own interests and the interests of your DC. You’re playing a very dangerous game here and you’re handing him the means to keep on abusing you on a silver platter. You’re being incredibly naive if you think he’s just going to move out into a place he’ll have to pay rent for of his own accord, it just won’t go like that.

I know you want to be decent but you need to wise up here. You have DC for god’s sake, two of them with additional needs, why are you prioritising him over them?