Ex Wife

[Wheelyyyy]

Hi
Looking for some advice / support / words of wisdom please.
I'm feeling quite downhearted.

The more serious me and DP are getting the ex wife seems to become more and more angry / upset / etc.

She had an affair, they split, she met somebody else within a few months and have they have been together a couple of years.

There are 3 fab children between them. My two kids are now 18 and 19.

She keeps messaging him with things such as 'enjoy your new family, both have a laugh at my expense' type things 'have a nice life' etc 'what a waste the ** years were'...
That was saturday....then Sunday DP got amessage to say she would drop the kids off but she did not want me there. DP said that he would pick them up from hers. She refused as the youngest DD has been sleeping with her lately and DD was upset that she would miss her mum.
DP said no problem but that I would be there. Its a 3 storey house so i stayed up on the middle floor...she left....then came back...then left...then came back....

Typing it out here....it doesnt appear that bad but....its like a big dark cloud. I feel I cant say anything to her (have suggested that we meet but she said she wasnt ready) I feel I cant change the situation but I feel alot of negativity and its starting to weigh me down.

I have such mixed feelings about it all. Im annoyed I stayed out the way yesterday. Im sad that she finds it difficult to see me. I angry for my DP that had to get used to her new fellow and picking the kids up and seeing them all together and she cant be happy for DP.

How do I handle this so that Im not provoking but not being walked over and thinking of the kids and respecting myself at the same time.
DP is planning to speak to her.

Sorry I've just read my post....I seem to have lost the ability to write lol

bump

It seems a strange reaction if things happened in the way you understand. Has she directly told you she's not ready or have you heard this from your DP? In my circle of friends it's the single mothers who take a lot longer to find a new partner as they still have to juggle work and childcare, whereas the men have a lot more free time which is usually a good reason why their can be hurt and bitterness, her circumstances and her reaction seem a bit off to me if she's moved on happily

Thanks @yesterday

I know what you mean. DP has said that she isnt ready to meet me.

I dont think shes happy.

They have a 50/50 childcare arrangement. When i was coming into the situation it all seemed as if things were sorted...both parties had moved on. Its only as time has gone on that things seems to be taking a turn.

Just not sure what the best way forward is?

There are exes who will never get over the fact that they are an ex and will use their children to try to exert control over their ex , to try to dictate how things happen in the new house etc . My H's ex is like this . I have never met her and have no desire to as she has told lies about us to other family members . The children are late teens so no communication necessary with her. She is a heavy drinker so it comes in spates . TBH it is much easier the less contact there is with these exes . Let your partner deal with her and the communications . Why would you want to meet her ? Even though she is happy with her new partner she sounds like she will never like you . Ignoring is a better way .

Oh that sounds really hard OP. She sounds totally out of line.... incredible that she cheated, that she is allowed to move on, but seems like she still wants to control him and have him Permanently unhappy and wanting to be with her? Or maybe, as you say, she is not actually very happy and that is the real problem.

I am in something a little similar but more escalated. DP's X ended the marriage, they went through counseling and she confirmed there was no going back for her..... I met him 8 months later.... but he thinks she maybe thought she'd end it for a few years, assumed he would remain unhappy and waiting for her, then she would take him back with more leverage.... or she thought HE was the problem in the relationship, so she would go on and be happy while he would be proved the problem by not being happy.... I am not sure.

Instead, he and I are very happy and he feels released from prison. (She was abusive). There is no way he would go back, even if he were single. And she is still alone and - two years later - increasingly angry. She says the same things about 'new family' and stuff....and I absolutely understand mothers' frustration at it being harder to move on because of responsibility with the kids. But the irony is, he would love to do more with the kids, but She is now using their kids - denying him access - as a way of expressing her anger, which causes him immense pain. If she can't control him, she will at least control them and stop them from having the relationship they could with him (and far less importantly) with me and my family.

I really hope your situation doesn't escalate like that.

I think the advice so far - to stay as separate as possible is good. Definitely try to minimize engagement. If she doesn't want to accept you, then regardless of how nice you are, meeting you would just give her more fuel for her fire....