Couples counseling, what to expect?

[Purplesndteal]

If you've seen my previous threads I was going to get married but then I caught him sexting someone.

I'm a fairly analytical and evidence person based by trade. I'm a sociologist so understand human behaviour to an extent. My master's dissertation was on online dating.

Our relationship was objectively quite good. We rarely fought (until lockdown when we had a meltdown about the washing up). We always calmed each other down (although he was the calming force in me) and for on great. We had sex all the time, we laughed and we're incredibly happy. Never had felt so fulfilled and content in my life.

He has had problems in the past with addiction (porn and drugs) that was about 10 years ago. He mentioned it but I never understood it until now. (I like porn but he never wanted to watch it with me and now I understand why). I knew the porn addiction evolved into a live cam addiction.

So the social scientis in me knows that his behaviour is probably closely retailed to his porn addiction. I know he didn't have an affair. His phone was always left around, no secrecy whatsoever. He spent pretty much every moment he came back from work with me. We always came to bed at the same time, fell asleep at the same time. Always had the same rituals of being grateful for each other every night before drifting off. He'd always say good by twice before going to work. Our relationship was full of love.

I can separate love and sex. I'm ok with porn, this episode to me anyways is closer to porn than cheating. He's remorseful and wants to work on our relationship, he wants to make it even better than before and his asking me for the opportunity.

So now that you've read this novel.. We're going to couples counseling in Wednesday. Even though I go to therapy myself I don't know what to expect when the counselor is seeing us both. (Different one as my usual therapist said it would be unethical to see us both). Of what I know from reading about recovering from an affair the relationship has to be a new one and sometimes it's an improved version (that's what Esther Perell thinks anyways). I think he has to explore his addictive and compulsive behaviours (he always has to finish a bottle of wine for example, sometimes it's hard for him to stop).

So for those who have been to it has it worked? Since we're investing on it I want to make the most out of it. What he did wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination but what I hate the most is the way he's made me feel and that he killed my idealised vision of our relationship.

If he has to work on his impulsive and obsessive behaviours then he needs therapy by himself , not as a couple.
Regarding couples counselling - expect your relationship to get worse before it gets better .
You will both be given opportunity without interruption to explain what is wrong from your own pint of view . You may dissect your relationship . This can lead to dragging up past events and making you resentful of each other.
But if you stick at it then you will also learn how to accept one another for who you are and focus on the future and not the past .
Of course different people will have different experience though as it will largely depend on the morality of your counsellor too .

I was with a porn addict. Totally destroyed how I viewed my body, even 2 years after we split. I can't go near another man.

Has he had therapy for it? Is he performing OK in the bedroom?

I was married to a porn/cam/sexting/adult site (delete as appropriate) addict. I didn’t know for years. Couldn’t believe he found the time and means to but he did. Thought we had quite a good relationship.

He went to SLAA, had a sponsor and his own counsellor and we had marriage counselling, the counsellor herself was very good, excellent in fact and had lots of experience in the field. Was difficult at times but there were some very useful aspects as well. I’m quite analytical also and could separate sex etc. I read and listened to Esther Perell.

Still wasn’t enough and it’s incredibly difficult for someone with these habits and predilections to actually change and I left. Afterwards I realised the relationship wasn’t as good as I thought.

I would be pretty sure that his porn addiction isn’t in the past. I think what you said “he’s killed my idealised view of our relationship” is a big issue which you shouldn’t underestimate.

I would say do not make your self responsible for his addictions and hold off the marriage until you’re absolutely sure it’s the right thing. I’m sorry to say in your shoes though I would cut my loses and certainly not get married.

He's never had rehab/therapy he warned himself off and calls that "rehab". Our sex life is great no complaints there really.

*weaned My own therapist the view of my own relationship was unhealthy and this is a welcoming change to realise he's human and not some dream that I had when I was 15.

I'm currently having couples counselling with my DH.

The first few sessions were particularly hard because you do have to sit and listen to your partners (often very differing) view of your relationship. It's shocking when you hear them talk about what seems to be a very different relationship to the one you consider yourself to be in. There were many times in those early sessions that I just wanted to get up and walk out of the room as it's hard to hear some of the things being said.

You also have to talk a lot about your upbringing and past as these shape who you are and what you bring to a relationship. My childhood was abusive and this is something we've had to talk about quite a lot. It's not been great but has given my DH some insight into why I am the way I am. It's also allowed me to see that my childhood had a much bigger impact on me than I realised it had.

The main point for me and my DH is that we want to make our marriage better again. We'd stopped communicating, I felt taken for granted and unloved and he felt I was shutting him out. We should have had counselling years ago before things got so bad and we've agreed that if we can get through this then we will have more sessions in the future to make sure we are keeping things on track.