Does anyone else feel (unreasonably) sad that your DP/DH had big past (a marriage, etc.)?

[StardustTrail]

Does anyone else feel (unreasonably) sad that your DP/DH had big past (a marriage, etc.)? If you haven't had much of a past that is.

As in, sad knowing that your DP/DH has had all his "firsts" already like getting engaged, married, moving in together, buying a house together, tons of holidays together etc. with someone else already whilst you are having your firsts with this person?

I know it's a silly thing to be sad about but I still am.

Yes, sometimes, we are in our late forties, both married for 20 years to other people. I found it very hard at first, but we've both got more contented as the years have passed. I do occasionally now get the odd pang of sadness that we will never have kids together, but I'm too old for all that anyway lol.

I used to feel the same. Now I'm the one with the big past and although it won't take away the fact that I've done some of it before, I never think about the firsts other than in a kind of 'wow that's weird I was once married' kind of way. I used to think that people who had already one it once must always look back at those times and think of the 'firsts.' I really don't and know fact I'm also sad that i did the firsts with someone who was a complete moron.

I did in the early days. I don't even know why as I had been married and had children too! But I definitely felt it. 20 years on and it doesn't enter my head. It probably stopped after the first 3-4 years.

Thanks all - those are really positive and reassuring posts.

It’s a tricky one as you can’t be upset at someone having a past before they even knew who you were nor is it something that can be erased or ‘corrected’ or changed :(

I sort of do but then I think he feels a bit odd about my debauched 20s. I've experienced more secually than he has and was travelling while he was looking after babies and trying to live with his ex's first affair. The main thing is we accept each other where we are now.

Much like Kylie above, I’ve probably had the ‘bigger’ past, but mine is a lot less present and my DP is a lot more secure in himself and our relationship.

I struggle regularly with the fact that he has DCs and was engaged to his ex. But it’s made all the worse by her presence in his life now. If she could maybe fuck off a bit, I’d find it easier to deal with!

We’ve been together many years - nearly as long as he was with her, but we aren’t engaged, don’t live together and basically aren’t any further on or more committed than the first week we met!

He doesn’t seem to care most of the time about my ex and certainly doesn’t see him as any kind of ‘threat’. But we are very different people, so I struggle to get him to see how hard it is for me.

I can only imagine how much harder that must be if you’re having DCs together when one of you already has them. I honestly don’t think I could do that.

It’s not irrational, it’s totally rational and reasonable to feel jealous about that. And anyone who won’t allow you to feel those feelings doesn’t deserve a second chance at family life.

I was initially sad that DH had had the church wedding and we could only have a register office do, and that DS wasn't his first child. But then he had a hell of a life with his ex, and we did have some firsts together - buying the house, him passing his driving test and buying our first car, so it wasn't too bad. In time I genuinely did stop thinking about it because what we had was so special and his past made him the wonderful man he was. He may have had a fancy wedding the first time round, but he had a happy marriage with me.

Thanks everyone so far

I feel like this all the time. My DP has done everything other than marriage before me, whereas he has been my first in pretty much every aspect. I struggle sometimes feeling confident in myself, as I felt like he must compare me to his previous experiences. I've talked about it with him and he says it would never occur to him to compare, because he loves and wants me, not them and his past.

I still get wobbly about it, but I believe him and I internally try to reassure myself.

Why have all the men married and had kids already? Are they all much older than you?

I had a ‘big’ past and DH barely had a long term relationships. I do t think he cares or worries and I certainly never really compare or think about it.
My first marriage was all wrong, and so really in my mind, this is the ‘big’ one 🙂

To give a different perspective, DP and I have both had similar pasts, both had long marriages, same amount of children, bought numerous houses etc

We have both been open about the fact that the marriages started off good but fizzled out into unhappy situations that we stayed put with for the sake of the children.

We have both also said that this is the happiest that we have ever been, having been on our own for a while post marriage, neither of us would settle for anything that was not great.....yet I still feel a pang that we will never have children together. Having seen DP with his and my (young adult) children I feel that I have missed out on sharing that experience of having children together.

So even though I have had it separately, I feel similar to you OP.

I feel exactly the same and sometimes I think about whether I should continue the relationship. My relationship with DP is great but he has DCs and has been married before. I just worry about how this will affect our future and whether I am the right person to cope with it. He’s so lovely but I just wish that we could experience firsts together :( He has said that even though he’s done certain things before it’s not the same because he loves me. I’m not too sure whether I will always feel sad about it!

Yes! Me and my DP have both been married before and have children and I feel like this. We've just had our own child but I feel sad that we'll never do the big wedding together because actually it would mean a lot more with him (long story, he's the love of my life, we met as teens) I also wish on a daily basis we had an uncomplicated relationship without other people being a factor but it is what it is. I'd like to feel more of a family, but I'm nowhere near that as we have our own separate families...

Is this sadness triggered by something he’s saying or doing, or is it straightforwardly that you feel it despite the fact that he is a great partner?

A long time ago, I can remember being with a man who was ten years older and feeling sad about his past. Your post made me think of it, hence my asking. I can recall feeling very sad as I once (naively) asked him about the best sex he’d ever had and he was very open and matter-of-fact about the fact that it wasn’t with me.

So I did feel sad, but looking back, that was because he made it obvious that his past relationship was having an impact on ours, and now and then implied that he’d loved his ex more and would still be with her if she hadn’t cheated.

So if you are feeling sad over something irrational (as in it can’t be undone) then hopefully like the above posters, it will pass. But if you examine those feelings and in some way he is making you feel inferior, then you should probably run.

I hope it’s the former!

This all makes for very sad reading.
I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. Do you regret the things you didn't do? Why didn't you do them? Were you too shy? Not confident enough?

If you wanted to go and work in a kibbutz at 17 pre uni, why didn't you?
You can't change the fact that you didn't get married.
Irrespective of what your Dh did before you, are you focusing on him too much, when you should be focusing on you?
Do you wish you'd been braver? so you can't change that, ie the past. but you can change being brave from here on in. if you wanna go travelling or you want to do things ....make a plan to do them from now on?

I don't feel this way at all. I had a great time. Dh did too. Before we met. Neither of us were married or had kids though admittedly.

But even still, if I still had goals, I'd plan to do them from now on in.

I feel the same. My partner has been married and has 2 kids.

I also have a big past in that I had a lovely 18 year marriage that ended very suddenly.

It is interesting to read everyone's insights here. I wonder how, as I know it will, be changed by having children together.

Not for us! DH had been married, renovated a house, lovely holidays etc but with someone who made his life miserable. I was engaged and had bought a house with someone who was emotionally abusive. We were both in the same boat- unhappy but had invested so much time and money, we were scared of leaving. Plus the whole ‘will anyone else want me’ type thoughts.

Since then DH and I have got married, had lovely holidays, bought a house together, had a DC, but for us, they were all ‘firsts’ because all those things were totally different experiences because they were all done with love and joy and excitement.

Tbh we’ve both sort of forgotten our ‘past lives’ because they were so shit!

I'd totally forgotten about this, but yes this did really affect me at the beginning. Sadness that we weren't experiencing these big life milestones together. In reality, our milestones were just as big for him, and a few years on I had literally forgotten feeling this way. So yes I totally understand your feelings - just hang on in there and hopefully you'll get past it too.

@ LakeTittyHaHa that was lovely to read as my DP says that a lot. That things are firsts with me as he has never done them with someone that he loves. I hope that I can get over my feelings and not sabotage a good thing as in fairness he does tell me how different our relationship is, in a good way!

I dont. I'm glad I've met him at this stage of life (hes 50 I'm 47). I feel old enough to appreciate him and what a happy and health relationship is.

Neither of us have been married and neither have children, which is probably quite unusual. I never wanted children and he was not overly bothered either way. Perhaps if he had a family prior to me I'd feel different though.

I agree with @Needtogetbackinthesack I also think oh I did this with a moron whenever I think about it which isn't often. I was married before but didn't have kids and didn't buy a house with my moron ex.