Bored of my boring DP

[December1990s]

First time poster and very emotional atm. I’m in my mid 20s, he’s older than me by 8yrs. We meet through work and we just connected and had a great relationship. We’ve been together nearly 6yrs now and have a beautiful 18m DD. I’m not going to try brush of it but I’ve felt bored before I was pregnant and even more so now. I used to work FT, since having DD I’ve become a STAH, I don’t have mum friends. We used to do so much together and actually talk and laugh, not anymore. Everything we talk about just seems to be about his work, news, programmes or football. I just feel we don’t connect anymore. I’ve tried telling him before and he’s said he’ll try harder but he just hasn’t. Everything we do, I organise. It’s like he puts no effort into anything and when I challenge all he says is I’m tired, I go to work you just stay home. He’s even started calling me lazy. I don’t think I’m lazy I just think I’m depressed atm. Ive gained weight and I don’t feel appreciated or loved. I don’t think I care for the relationship anymore. I have to add he is nice and a great dad but just seems so unbothered in terms of our relationship.

I wonder if some men think they want things like a nice home, woman, child, in theory. But the reality is just so different from the ideal made up version in their heads, they can't function in the reality.

You can't make the effort for 2 of you unfortunately, he has to make the effort too. You only get 1 life, so think about if this is what you really want.

I really think it would help if you had your own outlets and let him pick up some of the slack with childcare. So take up running and go running every evening - once things start easing you could maybe join a club etc. Get your own life and figure out what makes you happy first before looking at your relationship for fulfillment. He also might stop calling you lazy when he sees how much
Work there's involved in childcare

I would try and take your focus off him for a bit, sounds like your bored in life too, it's difficult situation for everyone atm not having the freedom to do much but maybe you could look for a pt job when your DD is at nursery? a bit far ahead I know but its good to make plans. Can you leave the house to visit a friend while DH babysit? a laugh with a friend can really lift your spirits, what I'm getting at is you can still do things for yourself and not with him all the time. If you want to lose weight then do it for yourself, you might find that your relationship improves if your zest for life comes back, possibly if not think if you still want to be with him.

It doesn't help if he calls you lazy, that's for sure, especially if you're the one trying to get the two of you to do stuff anyway.

I think you need to get back to work if you can.

You've got a toddler attached to your shadow all day so I totally get the need for some adult interaction and company. If he cant provide that for the time being, maybe try volunteering somewhere just to get out and be you again.

He should definitely not be calling you lazy. I'd make that very clear to him. Don't allow this subtle name calling to escalate.

Can you afford relationship counselling? You need to reconnect to each other.

Connection is untimely the only thing that keeps people together, or at least happily together. Without it a relationship can’t survive.

Yes it’s true you should find your own fulfilment in life but you also don’t need to stay in a relationship you don’t find fulfilling anymore. As a PP said life is short.

It sounds like you’re looking to him to provide your entertainment. Find some friends, a hobby, a job and live a more interesting life. If he’s a nice man and a good dad you’ve got a lot to work with. Don’t give up!

@Crystalspider how can a person "babysit" their own child?

Your advice is otherwise correct, this bloke has basically checked out and decided that a salary is his sole contribution. All effort in the relationship is wifework.

Well, screw that!

Absolutely return to work even if only part time and ensure all costs, childcare, housework and relationship care are divided up proportionally.

Play hard ball over it.

I do agree you need to find a social life and interests outside the home for you not to excuse him from making effort in the relationship.

Have you both fallen into the pattern of being 'mum and dad'? So he goes to work, comes home, you talk about your day with the toddler, he can't really reciprocate, so you end up with nothing much to talk about?

Can you get a babysitter and try going out together? Reconnect over all the things you used to do together - okay, this has to wait until after lockdown, but maybe in the meantime go out as a family for walks/drives. Get out of the house. Find other things to talk about than his job and how boring it is being stuck at home with a toddler. Maybe find some 'mum friends' to chat about baby things with. Aim to go back to work part time, or start a business from home to give you stuff to talk about.

You are both still the same people underneath. You sound a bit depressed and he sounds conversationally lazy. But I know how hard it is to be one person's sole contact with the outside world, and they can expect scintillation and entertainment from you that you just can't give.

Go back to work, get some things going for yourself, then see how you feel.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but it's not fair of you to make him responsible for your happiness and for entertaining you. If you're bored with your life, start a hobby, join a club, learn a language, anything that will (post-Covid) get you out of the house and meeting new people. Life with a young kid is really hard and if you're not careful it can be all you ever talk to each other about.

If you're still bored with him once you've expanded your social circle, then it might be time to have a think about what you want. But right now you're acting like it's his job to entertain you, which he probably resents a bit to be honest (I know I would)

That said, don't let him call you lazy. Get away for a weekend and leave the kid with him, then he'll see how easy it is!