Any other beards out there (wives with gay husbands)

[Corinthian44]

So here’s my story. Married for 25 years to a gay man. I did not know but should have, when you look back the signs are there. I asked him when we decided to divorce, are you gay, he said no.
I was used as a beard because he didn’t want to admit to himself nor me that he was gay. His parents are also religious.
I only found out 3 months after I left when I created myself an online dating profile and there he was his sexual preferences he liked the boy next door look and uniformed men. I felt sick but also very ,very stupid was my overwhelming feeling. I wrote him a letter he didn’t reply.
He was always aggressive (not physical) and shouted which I now realise was because he was supressed and took it out on me. He tried to get me to leave by being angry all the time making my life hell but worse said my inheritance was his and that I should not take legal advice I didn’t need to. I felt that pressured by him and I signed a legal agreement to give him half of everything and said I wouldn’t touch his pension. I have since took legal advice to find I have been well and truly shafted because I dragged my feet getting this advice and halting the absolute his solicitor sent a really vile letter stating they would apply if I didn’t in 7 days and I’d have to pay. I have had to back down, this advice has cost me about 1200 but I had to find out because I just lost £120K.
He came with £3.28 and a portable TV, I had three previous properties and he is 10 years younger, he will be retired at 55 and I will now need to work until I am 67. My fault but by does it sting thinking how stupid I have been.
Oh yes, he makes out he’s the victim, how he has suffered I couldn’t believe it when some people have said oh it must have been awful for him. It was worse for me having a loveless sexless marriage for the last 12 years. Why did I stay? I had a daughter and I was a carer for my disabled brother during this time both my parents passed with dementia so it was never a good time. He says because he supported me through these bad times he’s entitled to this money.
I have looked on the net for help but all I can find are USA sites, none here. There must be lots of us out there and I need to chat with someone else out there like me. My confidence was on the floor, but we are never spoken of, us wives left by the wayside that have been used and in my case abused too.

What an absolute bastard. I’m sorry for your troubles, OP. I’m not in your position but I’m sure I’ve seen a few similar threads on here in the not so distant past. I’m not sure if there’s a support thread going, there’s definitely a ‘trans widows’ one bit not sure if there’s one for unwitting beards . I hope you find peace and financial resolution soon .

He probably is entitled to half of all money, but his pension should be included. Go and see a solicitor again.

I have my doubts here & always had. Loveless, sexless marriage here too for the last 10 years. Together nearly 28 years. Hadn't time to think for years working fulltime, caring for young children & elderly parents. You're lucky you got away. Onwards & upwards don't waste anymore of your life on him. Wishing you all the very best in the future.

So sorry you went through this. He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole in every way. xxxxxx

I agree with the PP, worth seeing a solicitor again.

I'm so sorry you have been through this OP. An old friend of my parents also had this happen. 30 years of marriage then he announces he is gay.....at least he was honest with her. As a guy I can never understand why men do this. I know some women do too but I believe its predominantly men who come out many years down the line tearing apart family's because they couldn't be honest with themselves 30 years ago and stayed single perhaps! Its not heroic its fucking selfish. Sorry if I get flamed but thats my opinion.

Talk to your solicitor again, or get a free consultation, and reframe the financial loss as one driven by financial coercion and emotional abuse. Agreements signed under duress are ordinarily not legally binding, and if you filed by divorce mentioning these issues and he did not dispute it, that on its own may help you with proving it. Ultimately, if this agreement was made prior to divorcing, a lot of judges just throw them out and draw up something brand new.

I am sorry that you have had to give and sacrifice so much for so many people. You were dealt a v tough hand in life. You must be exhausted as you were never supported - just exploited. The deep hurt, anger and sense of betrayal must be shattering.

I think that you need to separate out each of the issues and work in them individually.

The financial stuff looks like abuse, coercion and exploitation and I would go back to a v experienced lawyer to see if you can claw something back.

The lack of intimacy in your marriage and double life your xH seems to have led - would need the emotional support of a therapist to resolve. You are left beating yourself up with confusing and destructive emotions which you don’t deserve. These will blight your future and present as much as they have your past.

How is your RS with your DD - is she your xH child.

Who treats you with kindness and respect in your life and is there space for joy and hope?

I have taken three lots of advice, because I ticked a box to say I'd taken legal advice an emotional case under duress is expensive and hard to prove, I've spent enough on legal and need all the money I can keep.
I feel drained and exhausted but mostly annoyed with myself.
My DD is his at the moment she is ok with him even though she knows the situation, she is 24. He doesn't deserve her.

I don't know why my name has changed to another older one must be because I'm an in my phone!!! Apologies!

So i think most people are telling you to go see a Solicitor which i think is probably best however the one you have doesn't sound that helpful so here's a list of suppossedly good family lawyers, i think they're mostly in London but can talk over Skype! Good Luck xx

Charles Russell Speechlys LLP
Dawson Cornwell
Family Law in Partnership Ltd
Farrer & Co
Hughes Fowler Carruthers
Mishcon de Reya LLP
Payne Hicks Beach
Stewarts Law LLP
Withers LLP

Start with restoring yourself emotionally. You have been battered, betrayed and turned over.

Regarding the finances, if you had gone to the marriage with a few quid and he had all the money, everyone here would be telling you to go for half as you would be entitled to it having been married for so long. Just because the sexes are reversed doesn't mean he isn't entitled to it. When you marry you are entering a contract where everything financial is shared. That's a risk you take when you marry and the reason I'd never marry. I understand you feel like you're losing half of everything but the reality is you lost half of everything when you got married.

Regarding his sexuality, I think if he knowingly deceived you he's a selfish fucker. But it could be the case that he was unsure. A family friend didn't know she was gay until she met her now wife. It happens.

The best thing you can do is get legal advice from someone else and move away from the why's and the what ifs from the marriage. Get to know yourself as this will have changed you. You'll emerge stronger for it. Best of luck.

I can't afford to lose any more on legal fees, I've made a huge mistake and I just want to move on from here.
I have seen three solicitors they have all told me the same.
Thank you all for your input, I just feel so deflated, I hate him so much.