Has your EA partner ever admitted it?

[BlueTide]

Has anyone ever had their EA partner ever admitting their EA behaviour?
Apologising.
And explaining why?

He never acknowledged it. Has this happened to you?

I would say that in these situations actions are stronger than words. I'd rather someone didn't abuse me at all rather than abuse me and apologize. Also take note of the apology, most apologies I heard were "if you hadn't..." which are not really apologies at all.

Nope. He'd regularly acuse me though . Occasionally, I'd get a really dismissive "OK, I'm sorry" (or "I'm sorry you feel like that") but his behaviour wouldn't change.

I remember breaking up with him and a couple of weeks later he did the "OK, I'm sorry. I didn't think it was a big deal" thing, I explained that it was a big deal to me. A week later, he did the same thing again. Said it all really

I got, "I'm sorry you feel that way," a lot, which is no apology.

Never

Wow! I am surprised - though shouldn't be...
Because I have had the same, all I ever got from mine was the same "If you felt...then I am sorry..."

Wonder of they have any awareness and are doing it without realising vs they are fully aware and manipulative...

Mine wrote me a massive self-flaggellating letter of apology after I said I wanted out (and have followed through with it). When it didn't work he went right back to cold, contemptuous, nasty and has pretty much remained that way ever since. I very much doubt he has gone ahead and gotten any of that counselling he (eventually) swore he would get. I am now well and truly discarded. When he said he wanted to remain friends, I believe what he actually meant was "...and don't go telling anyone what I'm really like behind closed doors". As previous posters have said, actions instead of words will tell you all you need to know. Another analogy that I heard and which really helps and amuses me is the notion of a snake in a puppy suit. My EA stbxh would never admit even to himself any description containing the word 'abuse' though.

@everythingbackbutyou

They hate the word abuse.
Use it to describe them - and they will tell you that you are the abusive one. But they still love you!

My stbxh does that too, snake in a puppy suit! Literally, my friends are like are you sure he did that? He’s so introverted shy and quiet nobody can imagine him behaving nastily.

I had an aplogy from an abusive ex on the phone after years apart, along the lines of 'I know I was out of order, I was in a bad place' vague kind of way. He had stolen money from me and hit me on front of our DS. I suppose it is possible that a person can behave really badly and look back and see that. But with abusers it's much better to not require their apology or realisation, you need to not give a shit what they think or feel.

Never.. to admit it would mean taking responsibility, to apologise would mean feeling empathy for his victim. Nether are characteristics they possess.
Add to this they live in their own delusional world, where nothing they do is wrong, it's always somebody elses fault!
Personally i think my ex was fully aware, but didn't give a shit about how i felt, only his were relevant, and i was just supply.

only his feelings* were relevant

Never. It would mean admitting that he a) wasn't a great guy and b) that making himself happy was selfish and impacted his dc badly.

He can't decide which narrative paints him in the best light. Sometimes it's "I didn't even want to get married" other times he claims it was the best day of his life. He certainly didn't like it when it was pointed out to him that he'd been a cocklodger.

He sent me an angry letter in which he demanded the right to change and a second chance on the back of that change. It was neither an apology or an explanation, but I'm sure he thought it was both.

He doesn't see it.
He will never see it.
I'm in the wrong for my reaction to his behaviour.
I'm the controlling one for telling him to put his dirty socks in the laundry, to let me know when he uses the last eggs, to maybe stop drinking while he still knows what's going on around him.
He's not controlling for lying to get me to move to his country then disappearing mid lockdown for two weeks, leaving me with the kids in a country we had only been in for 6 months and refusing to pick up the phone for the entire period.
No, it's me and the fucking eggs.

My cheating, EA, ex husband has never apologised for his EA or sexual abuse, but has smugly told me that when I’m calm enough he will apologise-in his words, “You’re not ready to hear it yet!” When I pointed out this was just further proof of his awful behaviour, he looked shocked-likes to pretend he’s Super-Lovely and hates it now I totally see through it. Scarily empowering to realise I’m not always at fault and to start to understand the level of EA I was subjected to. It’s taken distance and much therapy to even begin to find my feet. Any apology from him now would be meaningless as it’s not meant.

@everythingbackbutyou that description, snake in a puppy suit, that is it completely. That is brilliantly accurate. To the world at large he’s just a nice bloke, but I know better. He’s slipped a few times recently though and my friends and family have started to see and they are appalled at the sneaky ways he still tries to coerce me or punish me for saying no! They are beginning to see he’s not a puppy after all but a pretty ugly snake.

He feels that it is abusive of me to say that some things he does are abusive. His father was an extremely violent abuser and he is traumatised by that and what he does is not like that. And I agree he is not like that. There's no space allowed for what he does to be not ok because he doesn't mean it (possible?) because he has a good reason (illness) and he's not like that all the time (also true).

I think he's actually gone crazy. He thinks I am horrible (and plotting against him, but in order to do what is unclear).

I don't think he will ever admit or tell the truth about what happens during his bad periods. He regards it as outside of life and should not be counted. I'm bad for not getting over it because it's in the past and he couldn't help it anyway. He's better now. He doesn't do that any more (until the next time).

I'm 99.99% certain he not only knows he's doing it, but thrives on the manipulation. I think he sees himself as the puppet master with all these people admiring him.

Any attempt to set a boundary with him was met with accusations that I was controlling. He was careful to say certain things verbally rather than by text message so I had no proof he'd said them, then he could pretend he hadn't and make out I was the crazy, abusive one.

Even careful phrasing of things he said to make me/others assume he's said something (like telling friends I slept with someone else so they thought I'd cheated and conveniently not mentioning it was at least a month after we broke up, and one time telling me he'd "had a good time " and saying they'd stayed extra nights when he'd been away with a friend a year before we met when nothing happened and they stayed the amount they planned)

Loads of examples of making himself look like a selfless, helpful martyr type while actually treating me like some insignificant, worthless person to use when he had no other option. Everyone thinks he's the life and soul, welcoming, interesting, Mr Nice Guy.

Yes but he still claims it wasn't an affair. Arsehole