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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leave or continue on and hope it happens

25 replies

Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 14:50

I've been with my partner for four years he always said from way at the start I'm gonna marry you told all my friends he was gonna marry me and here I am 4 years on with no ring. Thing is he kept saying he needed more money for a special ring... And now he decides to take up a new hobby which will involve a lot of money so where do I stand in all this.. I don't want to waste time I wasted time on my last relationship which was going nowhere I feel sometimes this isn't much different.. Help..

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 31/05/2020 14:53

Leave. You can't force these things and if you want to get married then don't waste time.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 14:59

He said all the right things to keep you around. Ignore his words, his actions are all that matters. If he really wanted to marry you, you would have a ring on your finger already. Get rid and move on.

Graphista · 31/05/2020 15:01

So so many of these threads!

I've been flamed for saying this before but I'm nearing 50 and this is accurate from my life experience:

If they haven't proposed/made firm plans with you to marry in first 3 years chances are they have no intention to.

And even if upon being given an ultimatum they do after that long their hearts tend not to be in it and the marriage doesn't last.

Just my experience.

Move on, next time you meet someone you want to settle down with be clear about expectations and don't be fobbed off with words - words are cheap actions count.

Nobody needs loads of money to marry, expensive engagement rings and weddings are unimportant ultimately. Nice to have but not essential.

Do you have dc with him? What's the situation with your home financially?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 15:02

I have to say this completely baffles me. If you want to get married, tell him you want to get married, and set a date. That's what we did. I then got a proposal a couple of months later.

If you love him enough to marry him if he asks, surely you love him too much to leave if he doesnt ask?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 15:07

If you want to get married, tell him you want to get married, and set a date.

Why on earth would you want to marry a man who you have to back into a corner? Absolute madness.

Muh2020 · 31/05/2020 15:10

Nah.
I'd bin him.
If he cant make a proper commitment with a ring by now, then he never will.

Original poster
Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 15:27

I can cope on my own financially.. And no I want to be asked not to force someone into doing so that's the thing.. I know people say a ring means nothing but I feel like it's time now for something more than just living together..

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 15:30

Have you had a conversation with him about this rather than expecting him to read your mind?

Original poster
Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 15:32

Thing is he was with his last partner for 15 years they never married but apparently he asked her a few times... Not sure why when they split he hated her said she was a selfish blah bla.. He says I'm the love of his life yet no ring.. He also married someone when he was about 19 and it didn't last long he doesn't say much about that situation though..

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 15:33

I've told him I want a ring etc joked about it to make it a bit lighter n he always says I will get one....

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 31/05/2020 15:35

Sorry OP, you’re saying you can’t leave him because you can’t cope financially? So are you just with him for for financial stability?

pooopypants · 31/05/2020 15:37

Do you want to be with him? Is marriage important enough to you to end things if he doesn't propose?

CherrySpritz · 31/05/2020 15:41

@Dollyrocket

Sorry OP, you’re saying you can’t leave him because you can’t cope financially? So are you just with him for for financial stability?
She said she can cope on her own financially.
thefuriousfuggler · 31/05/2020 15:41

OP "I can cope on my own financially"

Sorry OP, you’re saying you can’t leave him because you can’t cope financially? So are you just with him for for financial stability?

Where on earth do you get that from?

Original poster
Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 15:44

I Can cope financially on my own thank u I don't need anyone for money I earn quite enough for all I need and more...

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybaby1234 · 31/05/2020 15:46

Poopypants I do love him but I just feel I want more just more commitment I guess.. I'm starting menapause maybe my hormones are making me feel down just..

OP posts:
Fishfingersandwichplease · 31/05/2020 15:53

My husband was married before we met - always swore blind he wouldn't marry again (as if l was badgering him which l really wasn't cos l wasn't bothered at all). Told him one day l wasn't fussed either then all of a sudden he wanted to get married. Has to be their idea! Hard one cos like you say you don't want force him into it but not fair on you either.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 15:55

I think the problem is, you're both hedging and joking rather than actually discussing this issue. Why don't you just sit down with a nice glass of wine, tell him you love him and that you'd like to get married. Ask him if that's something he sees happening in the future. See what he says.

Takingontheworld · 31/05/2020 15:56

He doesn't love you in the strengths you love him. Even if he does it now you'll always feel that he reluctantly did it. Go find someone who wants to make you feel cherished. This is prime example of settling

Mintjulia · 31/05/2020 15:56

He’s had one failed marriage and one 15 year relationship, during which he says he asked her but nothing came of it. He’s said you are the love of his life but done nothing about it.

I’d say the chances of him marrying you are small. He’s got everything he wants now, a financial equal, a nice well cared for home and sex on tap. Why would he change it. If he marries you, you might try for a baby.

I’d move into your own place, say you are missing a trick by only having one property and see how he reacts.

OldWomanSaysThis · 31/05/2020 15:58

I agree that if he hasn't proposed in the first 2-3 years, it isn't going to happen or it will happen under duress and the marriage will end shortly after it started.

tribpot · 31/05/2020 16:03

no I want to be asked not to force someone into doing so that's the thing

How is asking him forcing him to do it, any more than him asking you is forcing you to do it?

Personally I would ask him. Because otherwise when you tell him you want to split up because he didn't ask you to marry him, he could then ask you under much more duress than if you just ask him now. I know which proposal I'd prefer.

Graphista · 31/05/2020 16:21

It you're financially sorted and children aren't an issue then why is marriage important to you?

There are legal/financial issues around inheritance - does he have children? But if those aren't issues for you then I'd be interested to know why marriage is important to you.

And I'm very pro marriage as an AS will show anyone.

How is he financially?

CorianderLord · 31/05/2020 16:35

If you love him just ask him - say you were thinking about when you might be married and whether he'd thought about when you might do it.

I think if you love someone enough to martyr them you should be able to have a frank conversation about it and both air your views. Even if those views are 'I'd like to be engaged within two years, would you agree to that'?

If he takes it badly or says you're 'pressuring' him etc or that's too soon, and you disagree, then think about leaving.

But you have to talk about it first.

I disagree with the 3 year thing vehemently, it very much depends on the couple. DP and I have been together 7 years and don't plan to become engaged for another year or two. We have discussed it and our expectations and so we're both happy with this.

CorianderLord · 31/05/2020 16:41

Marry* please do not martyr your partner 😂

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