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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dealing with a needy partner

14 replies

jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 09:46

I feel guilty because my partner sent me a message last night saying he was feeling really depressed because he missed me so much, and how not seeing me was making him feel ill.

As much as I care for him, I don't feel quite as intense as this and it makes me feel bad. It's not like we've not been seeing each other. We have been meeting up for walks and stuff, but we've been keeping our distance. So we've both been touch-starved and it's sometimes hard, but it seems like its much harder for him and he's not coping well. (I'm more of an introvert so being alone is often good for me!)

Some people are saying 'just break the rules' or move in with him. I'd actually be willing to break the rules at this point, but he refuses because he's worried I'll catch the virus and die (I'm higher risk than him). He suggested moving in together but we both have housemates and frankly it's just a big commitment for me (I think this upsets him).

So he's just really down all the time, but it makes me feel bad as if I don't love him as much as he loves me. He's always been much more soppy than me and I often worry that I'm not doing enough

I don't want to end things with him, but I don't want him to feel depressed all the time because I need my independence. How do I bring this up without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 31/05/2020 09:47

How long have you been with him?

jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 09:52

About a year & half

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/05/2020 09:55

Is it starting to make you feel guilty enough to act against your own best interests?

If so you need a bit of a rethink.

He is pushing his perceived inability to cope on you. That's unpleasant, at best!

It would make me wholly reconsider him and the relationship.

BitOfFun · 31/05/2020 09:56

You sound more independent than him. Be honest, have you lost respect for him?

chipsandgin · 31/05/2020 10:01

Needy always made me run for the hills! If that’s the way he is and it’s not something you like how do you see your future panning out? Some people like that kind of intensity, personally I couldn’t do that long term, I prefer cat people (independent, do their own thing happy with or without you) than the puppy dog type (needy, dependent on your presence & make you responsible for their happiness). It’s worth thinking about whether you’re a cat or a dog person IMO!!

jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 10:02

I actually haven't lost respect for him. In normal situations he's a very well-rounded, responsible, stable and mature guy. I've never really felt controlled by him in any way or that he depends on me. Its just that sometimes (especially when he's in a low mood) his feelings for me get very strong, and I'm overwhelmed. It makes me feel guilty for not being able to match his intensity.

OP posts:
jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 10:03

I love cats and dogs equally, so I'm not sure what that says about me haha!

OP posts:
userxx · 31/05/2020 10:05

Red flag for me. Can't abide neediness, it usually turns into control.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2020 10:06

How often does his mood get low? And do you feel responsible for 'cheering him up'?

Because only he can make himself happy. Just be careful that he's not placing all the responsibility for feeling happy, onto you.

This is the sort of man who does not take break ups well.

Ragwort · 31/05/2020 10:11

I agree that neediness is really unattractive, as Zap says, we are responsible for our own happiness and to rely on someone else is not healthy. (Of course other people can add to happiness but an inner sense of fulfilment and being happy on your own is, to me, the sign of someone comfortable in their own skin and that's very attractive).

Is he really, really sad and miserable or just having a 'down' day.

jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 10:16

He is prone to getting periods of depression/anxiety, but then again so a am so it's not something I can really call him out for. I think we've both been feeling a bit crappy in lockdown but I guess most people have.

I do want to stress that I have never felt controlled by him. He's a rather open-minded guy on the whole and he is always encouraging me to meet new people/make new friends etc.

It's just sometimes I think he feels upset that I'm not as expressive with my feelings as he is and I'm not likely to say "I miss you so much, it's making me crazy" and all that stuff, because frankly I'm just very unphased by most things. That doesn't mean I don't care, but I just go with the flow.

OP posts:
jasminepeony · 31/05/2020 10:17

so am I*

OP posts:
spongebobscaredypants · 26/09/2021 23:22

How did this pan out @jasminepeony

INeedYouBlaBla · 12/04/2022 17:17

@jasminepeony i am curious about the end of this too, im in similar situation right now

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