Desperately sad working mum with no one to turn to.

[Tearswontdry]

As the title says I’m in a bad place and I don’t have anyone I can vent to or ask whether I’m being silly about everything. For context, I’m a working Mum, I have two businesses, albeit small ones, I run them completely on my own. I have a DD who is normally in childcare three days per week but due to the lockdown like all other families we are having to make adjustments and cope without. My husband works full time and is currently working from home. At the moment, I’m working full time myself and doing all the childcare. I also do the shopping, cooking and most of the cleaning. As a result of this busy schedule I often find myself having to work in the evenings and weekends. To try and make this short... husband has recently been very snappy with me about working, saying our child is not happy, I shouldn’t be working during the weekend when it’s family time etc etc... and to be honest, I feel like just packing up and leaving. I’ve been incredibly supportive through his career and I feel so downtrodden and stressed. I’m trying to better our lives and trying to be a good Mum at the same time and I’m failing at everything. What do I do?

You are not failing. If youre both working from home why are all the chores, housework and parenting down to you?

Tell your husband rather than kicking off at you maybe he could help a bit so the weekends are free for family time!

@465768P thank you The reasoning is that he is employed and I’m self employed so as I don’t have a boss to please, I have to fit it in. He’s also the breadwinner at the moment.

I feel like I should just suck it up and get on with it but I’m so desperately sad about how unsupportive he is. Why does he think shouting at me will help. It’s not like I want to be working, I literally don’t have a child free minute in the week!

You're not failing. Your husband is the failure. Failing to be a decent husband and dad.

Stand up for yourself please. Tell him if he did his fair share of childcare and housework, you wouldn't have to make up the time for work at the weekend.

Don't let your DD think this is how a family should work.

Does he think your family doesn't need the money that you earn? Not that it matters. You have every right to work if that what you want, and it works for everyone. Which it can if he realises your his equal, not his PA, maid, and nanny.

@noyoucannotcomein You’ve hit the nail on the head there with equality. He takes priority because he is the breadwinner and I fit in and do everything else. He doesn’t take my businesses seriously and constantly criticises how I deal with customers, social media etc. He gets angry at me in front of my DD too which I can’t stand. Writing this seems surreal but this isn’t a good relationship and I feel awful about it. I can’t talk to him he’ll get angry. What a mess.

Would it not be possible at all for him during the day to take small breaks so he can help you with things?
Also, tell him how you feel. Youre burning the candle at both ends by the sounds of it, all that's going to do is send you crazy and wear you out.
It's not even about meeting in the middle, if he's so concerned about not having family time he should be trying to help you out at least a little bit.

You sound like you're doing a great job though ☺

Your child isn’t unhappy you’re working at the weekend - he is unhappy that he has to be the one to take care of your child while you work. He’s an arsehole and you deserve better

Thank you @465768P I’m honestly not 😢 I’m constantly exhausted so I’m not much good at anything really. He has a short lunch but he can’t or won’t I don’t know which, take other breaks. The only way I see through this is a decent adult conversation but I’ll only get shouted at if I try or insulted. I don’t want to break up the family for DD but I don’t want her growing up in a toxic environment.

Thank you @SeriouslySoDoneIn I think you’re right there. As he works full time I think he expects some time off and he sees childcare as work, although not when I’m doing it obviously. Today I did a couple of hours tops dotted throughout the day and he went nuts. Apparently I reply to customers too quickly and top brands don’t so why should I 😫

Listen my DP earns twice my wage and 35hrs when I do 26. So what if he earns more we are a team and take turns with work. He does 3hrs and I do childcare he does 3hrs I do childcare and so on until all our hours are done in the week no weekends. We take turns to cook tea wash up hoover clean ect. We are a team fuck who earns more neither of us is more important than the other and that goes for you too.

@tootiredtospeak what a great partnership, at this point I could only dream of that. My DH either can’t do that or hasn’t had the thought to ask. I don’t feel like this is a partnership at all. He does the clothes washing, puts the dishwasher on and changes the sheets once in a blue moon. So it’s not nothing but nowhere near enough.

It sounds like his job will always be more important than your businesses because he is a man and therefore he is most important
You used the word ‘toxic’, that’s a strong word to use and perhaps one to explore in counselling.

Do your businesses have the potential to bring in a decent income over time OP or are they more hobby businesses? Just playing devil's advocate here, but I can see how it would be frustrating for your DH to work full time and be the breadwinner but still have to have weekends etc sacrificed to work that isn't bringing in much money.

OP,

It doesn't sound like a nice relationship.
You can't speak to him about anything because he shouts at you.

It sounds like a horrible environment and life for both you and your daughter.

It also sounds as if you are doing the best you can.

Are you happy in this marriage?
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Do you want more children with him?

Start thinking about what you want and reach out to family and friends for support.

You sound great.

I was thinking today about starting a support thread for people like us, I’m also working and struggling with my DC.

My DH works out of the house, so every day its me, in a really stressful full time job trying to hold everything together, parenting, teaching etc. It’s sooooo tough. My DD had literally 10 hours of screen time one day due to a massive deal. I feel terrible.

Just keep swimming OP, you are doing your best. What would happen if you outright asked your DH to be more supportive and mindful that you are doing your very best?

Why is he not taking time out of his work day to help support you?

I’m employed full time. I get a full salary whether I work anything at all. My employer doesn’t care.

Dh is self employed. He doesn’t make money unless he is working and can’t work from home. He still takes a day or two off unpaid during the week and then I usually work a full day every Saturday. Because he’s not a dickhead. Sunday’s are family days we spend all together.

If you are self employed, presumably you don’t work unless you get paid. Your dh, if salaried, probably has a lot of flexibility like I do. He needs to exercise it during the week to support you and he needs to get on top of parenting in the evenings and weekends. This is what everyone else with 2 working parents should be doing. It really isn’t that hard.

OP the relationship you describe above as "what a great partnership" really isn't, you know, it's normal, it's how things are in proper functioning relationships.
You need to demand more, more respect more time more kindness and if you don't get it you need to split.