Is this a form of gas lighting?

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

Trapped in a awful toxic relationship (married for 13 years with 2 dc) Just wondered if this is a form of gas lighting? In process of getting legal aid so I can leave.

So last night when I got in he was on zoom chatting to about 12 people and when I got into bed I could hear him discussing my brother and how he got his gf pregnant within 6 months and that she was much younger. It wasn’t a positive account the way he was telling the story and it made me feel uncomfortable. There were loads of bloody people on zoom who I don’t really want knowing my family business. Anyway this morning I asked him if he wouldn’t mind talking about my family to everyone.
He said he can talk about what he wants. And I said it’s disrespectful to which he very angrily responded “you need to earn respect”

Literally 10 minutes later he walked back in the kitchen really calmly like nothing had happened and asked if I wanted to join him and the kids for a walk and a picnic.

This is just one example of many including other times where he will re write history. It’s quite incredible how he can literally lie/change an account of what really happened to the point where I sometimes even find myself doubting my reality

I would say it’s abusive behaviour. I’m not sure about gaslighting, as he didn’t deny he was talking disrespectfully about your brother.

Do you think he did it deliberately so you would hear?

Do you have any other examples of his gaslighting?

It’s a good think you’re leaving him.

Yes, many of them do that. Glad you're organizing leaving. xxx

Perisoire- yes definitely abusive too. But what I mean is usually if a person gets angry with you, the norm is to either be off with you for the rest of the day/give you silent treatment. But because he has acted like nothing has happened so soon afterwards you then might start questioning whether you have over reacted with the nasty/undermining comment that had been made 10 mins earlier

You can work out a name for his behaviour or not. He's being a pig. Simple as that.

Ah you’re right OP, that is gaslighting.

My own experience of gaslighting was that ex would completely deny things had happened in a certain way and only his version of events was the right one. He wasn’t forgetful in other ways so I’m sure it was gaslighting.

It sounds like you have to live with a little while longer, so just give him very short sharp instructions e.g. Don’t ever talk about my brother again.

Hope you’ll be free soon

Another example is the other day I had to pop out and I asked him if he’s ok watching the kids. He said yes no problem and that he would stick their dinner on. When I got back he wasn’t here. The kids were home alone (10 &13 yrs old) - so I phoned him and he said “I told you I was going out at 5pm and that you needed to be back by then”

I know 100% that he didn’t say that because we had a whole conversation about how he was going to stick some fish cakes in the oven.

...just from the example you give I would not call it gaslighting as such. To me it would be if he had say, denied having that zoom conversation & insisted you’d misinterpreted it.

I know how clever abusive people can be with their subtlety about it though...If you find yourself doubting something you know happened that is gaslighting.

Yes that’s gaslighting. It’s that cliche isn’t it, death by a thousand deaths? Even when you tell yourself what he’s like, it still affects you.

Dementia?

No definitely not Dementia!!

The second example is gaslighting yes.

Why do you need legal aid before you can leave him? Can't you leave now?

Gaslighting is where the person denies something has happened but it also includes moving things. For example, you put your phone down on the table, your partner moves it when you turn around to pick up your phone, it's gone. Partner denies seeing it. You run around looking for phone and he puts it back on the table.

It's mind games that make you think you're going mad and make you question your sense of reality.

Him denying plans you've made, is gas lighting.

@thebeachismyhappyplace2
Yes, this is gaslighting, making issues sound as if you are overreacting
"You need to learn respect" Really? He is treating you with a complete lack of respect. I don't tell my "housemate" about my family anymore, for this reason. He will enter a room when I am on the phone to my family, and after the call he will ask me about things he has overheard, and I dismiss straight away, telling him it's none of his business. He has been over critical and ANALytical about my family in the recent past & overstepped the mark. Needless to say I am trying to escape, by saving. I have no family or marital connection with this individual, so i hope it will be easier. Best wishes to you

It's manipulative and abusive. I remember my ex shouting at me until I cried and then coming back in the room five minutes later, soft and gentle asking why I was upset! It's designed to minimise your anger and any negative feelings for him so you question yourself. Was it that bad? Did I overreact? Should I play along because I'm tired and I just don't understand?

How selfish of him to not be home for his children! No doubt it's coercing you into not making plans because you worry he's unreliable! He sounds awful. It must be really difficult for you to think straight with all that manipulation.

"you need to earn respect"
That's even more condescending ! Sorry for the typo.

He’s so nasty. Yet people think he is the nicest guy. I have found myself cutting contact with a lot of our mutual friends who think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. I have found out who I can trust. I have learnt that you don’t really know people until you go through a break up.

kgal3542 - “you have to earn respect” I mean it’s like something from the 1930’s!!

First example over riding your initial response with a quick how dare you voice your opinion blow. Then undermine the event so you left confused and back down and successfully warned not to try again. Second example definitely gaslighting. I’m guessing that you have many more examples of this .

@thebeachismyhappyplace2
The first example sounds like invalidation.
The second example was definitely gaslighting.

Watch Doctor Ramani's videos on YouTube about Narcissistic abuse. She recently did a series about Narcissism glossary on terms such as gaslighting, invalidation, love bombing, gray rock method etc.
Currently she's doing a series about the 7 types of Narcissism and how best to deal with them.

Knowledge is power.

My husband gaslights and it truly damages your brain. Soon to be ex husband..

@Rejuvenate20 what a devastating word invalidation is.

@Fightingback16
I meant that the husband was invalidating the OP.

@Rejuvenate20 I just meant that the word is really powerful and the effect it causes on people is devastating. It’s a really good word to describe how it is.

Rejuvenate20 - wow that was such an interesting video and I can definitely relate so much of what she said to dh’s behaviour patterns. I didn’t even know invalidation was a thing! Thanks for sharing x