I think he cheated.

[Whattodotho]

I'll try not to make this too long.

Been with my partner for around 4/5 years. Now have 2 kids and a house.

In the beginning of our relationship I wasn't mentally stable I lived alone worked but had no real friends around me and was very lonely and had low self estem.

He was the first person I met on online dating so looking back I was very naive to how things work and just thought it was a fairytale. He had alot of money and was successful and I was barely scrapping by in life so I already felt this unbalance that I wasn't good enough and should be grateful that such a guy would want me.

We had a great time but he would bring up his ex after he had a few drinks would talk about her in my bed or on dates and I guess I just thought okay he's been burned and sharing as things were getting serious between us. We didn't sleep together for months and I thought it was special but looking back I wonder if it was because he was sleeping with her still.
He would say that she was crazy and that's why it didn't work that she would threaten to kill herself if he went to work.
An that she did something unforgivable but he couldn't tell me.

As time went on he would get the odd call in middle of the night and angry texts but again I just thought she was unhinged.
Then a year into relationship on holiday he deleted a msg write in front of my eyes I saw red emojis but no context as was so quick. I asked if he had spoken to his ex and he said no but I knew what I saw and he got very defensive said it didn't work no matter who wanted it more that she was so innocent and it was hard as she only lived 10 mins down the road. (where we now live)

He got so defensive it closed me down and he somehow controlled the situation where I believed it was innocent. She wanted some pictures off his fb but he no longer had it so she couldn't get them off there.

A few months later he proposed to me and years after we still aren't married I'm in a position where I don't own the house gave up my own (yup stupid) have two kids with him and now connected the dots that he asked me to marry me but admitted he did it to make me feel secure and didn't think we would have to get married anytime soon. This hurt and he said he wanted to get married we booked it but it got cancelled because of the virus.

I don't believe anything is happening now as he's here every night and works and comes home so to me I think it was probably physical in beginning of our relationship then an emotional affair further down when we lived together.

Sorry if that's a mess to read and thanks if you made it this far.

Do I bring it up or let or go? I want to book a couples counciler where I could tell him so it can't be shut down. I can't have sex with him and I think this is why. I'm not that young girl anymore with no self esteem I deserve the truth so I can deal with it and decide what I want. I know if I was who I am now I would of told him to jog on in the beginning of us dating as he wasn't over her. So much time has passed he would think its stupid to bring it up being 3 years ago now.

Do I tell him or should I forget about it?
Has anyone been through anything similar and what happened?

Well really it’s all up you and what you feel you want to do.

Things to think about and consider:

Do you think you can forgive these past indiscretions? Do you want to?

Do you feel comfortable and secure in the relationship now?

Do you still plan to go ahead with the wedding after lockdown? Is he still wanting to go ahead with the wedding?

Do you feel that this relationship with his ex is definitely over and finished? And do you feel you can just let it stay in the past?

If you decide never to mention it, you really would have to stick to it. It will one of those things that will be very tempting to throw into the middle of an argument, and really that’s not the way you want to be bringing it up.

If you feel you can’t do any of the above and it’s something that going to bother you and dwell on, then it’s best to get it out in the open. It can be done in a calm and rational manor and doesn’t need to become an accusatory or argumentative. You could simply say....

Look I think as we are both aware the start our relationship wasn’t exactly smooth sailing, especially with the issues around your ex. I know that during this time you were not faithful or honest and I’m sure the issues with your ex were complicated and confusing on both sides. I’ve found it hurtful and upsetting and it has bothered me for a long time however, for the life we have now together with our children, I am finally willing to let all of that go. The ONLY reason I bring it up with you now is to let you know, that whilst I stood for this behaviour once, I will never ever stand for such behaviour now or in the future. So long as we can agree that this is all in the past, that you won’t repeat this behaviour, I in return promise to never mention it again.

That way you will simply say your piece, he doesn’t really have to respond or start lying and trying to defend himself. All he has to do is simply agree it won’t happen again. You get to feel like you’ve told him politely that he can’t walk all over you, and the information it is out rather than swept under the carpet.

It really all depends on how you feel about things and what you feel you want to do.

Wow that was really helpful and well put.

He wants to get married and was miffed when I moved it to next year rather than sooner but I actually don't want to marry someone without knowing what actually happened. I honestly had no idea he still wasn't over her and getting messages that far into the relationship and I never saw it again but doesn't mean he hasn't at some point.
I know people can silence messages on they're phones and I have never snooped so although he's here every night he works for himself and could of easily of seen or talked to her if he wanted.

We're moving into our new house in few months where she lives and I'm pariond ill bump into her one day and feel like a mug as I don't know what happened. It was the casual way he lied about it and then how defensive and infatuated he sounded over her that still hurts to this day. Why would he propose just months after and then I felt secure enough to have kids with him. I think I just need the truth to know my life isn't built on lies.

He keeps making sexual advances and I keep declining and saying I feel unsecure about my body after kids as an excuse but really I think it's feeling like he's deceived me in someway and a mental block in the way now.

Sorry not for not replying sooner. From what you’ve said this part of your past still troubles you a lot. It seems to me that it’s haunting you and preventing you from moving forward.

Speaking from experience you will never trust him implicitly, you know too well what he is capable of. The fact he can compartmentalise his life so well, to be having that kind of connection to his ex whilst shortly after proposing to you can not feel very good or secure for you at all.

As for details, I can absolutely understanding wanting details, I myself wanted to know everything. I will caution though, because knowing everything is just fuel to torture yourself with. You will run the conversations/details/dates etc over and over in your head like your trying to solve a marple mystery. Then you’ll be angry, not only at the betrayal but at the fact your suffering with knowledge of the details (details you asked for) and he won’t be, because it’s all old news to him and it will feel so unfair. Even after all this you will STILL wonder if he’s told you the whole truth. All the while your going through this emotional torture, you will be a mess and he may very well not cope with that. He may be sorry and apologetic for a week/month/maybe even a year but at some point he is going to be done with being sorry and want to move on. This will be hard for you, you will feel like he should be sorry forever, but of course in reality he can’t be sorry forever, not to mention the fact no one wants to live that way. Do you want to be tortured by a mistake you made years ago? No probably not, because nobody like to be reminded of the mistakes they made no matter what they are.

So think wisely about how you want to proceed, especially if your not prepared to leave or for the relationship to be over. I say that in the kindest way possible that the relationship continuing does not solely rest on you simply forgiving him. It will depend on how you deal with it as a couple, you will equally need to be as committed as each other to going through the shit to come out the other side. Many relationships don’t survive infidelity, and it’s often not for the lack of forgiveness or trying, but the inability to go through it together, rebuild trust, take responsibility, accountability, honesty etc. It’s HARD!

You know your DP best, do you think he would be willing to go through all of that? Would you be willing to go through all of that? I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but it’s definitely worth looking at the journey ahead and planning for all scenarios so you may better approach it.