How important to you is that spark/chemistry?

[SunshineOverStress]

So before lock down I went on 2 dates with a really nice bloke who literally ticks all my boxes and is perfect “on paper” and think he’d potentially make a great boyfriend.. last night we met for a walk and a bottle of Prosecco and we did end up having another kiss!
However, although I get on really well with him and he has everything what I’m looking for, I just don’t feel that sexual chemistry! Like when we’ve kissed I’m not left wanting more, I just feel a bit... indifferent?

What makes it harder is that he told me he feels such an amazing connection with me! So it’s not even like I can say I don’t think we have that spark because he clearly thinks we do and he’s made it clear he’s really into me!

Because I’m so unsure is that my answer? I don’t want to mess him around at all because I did pull away last time and he said last night please don’t send me that dreaded text let’s just take things slow and see how things go... but I dunno I feel like I want those butterflies and the firework feeling when you kiss!

I think a spark can grow but at the moment you aren't feeling it. So unfortunately if you want to give it a chance then he has to be up for 'taking it slow' . I didn't feel an instant spark with husband. It took a few months but then I really fell for him.

My attraction for my boyfriend grew over the first 6 months of our relationship, I’d say. But I was happy to have someone reliable and no spark.

I think that instant, wham bam, sexual chemistry can quickly fizzle out. A slow burn can be great. I was a bit unsure about DH at first but I still fancy the pants off him now!

If you are trying to talk yourself into liking someone because box ticks, you are only fooling yourself. Chemistry can grow but it should not be absent

If he doesn’t give you the ick and you do like him then maybe give it some more time as this can grow. If you didn’t want him to kiss you at all then no it has to end

I dunno, I'd probably not feel too 'sparky' for someone who had sensed I wasn't feeling it and begged me not to send 'that text' as you say. I mean we've all been there - when one of us feels a spark but the other doesn't. But that's the point where you shrug your shoulders and think 'shame, but it wasn't right.'

I'd hate to continue with someone I knew didn't really feel an attraction in that way for me, but he seems fine about it. That would put me off even more, personally.

Well it's that pull and attraction that makes the difference between someone being a friend or a partner, so I'd say it's pretty key! There's slow burn, but if you're not feeling anything at all then I'd say he's not the one for you. You. don't owe him anything just because he feels something that you don't.

It's non negotiable for me. His neediness would put me off too.

I don’t think you can make yourself fancy someone just because he’s “suitable partner material” on paper.
Before I met DH, I had a perfectly nice boyfriend - I am still on friendly terms with him now, 45 years later - but there was no spark.
He has been happily married now for decades, so was obviously good “husband material”, just not for me.
My DH was the perfect mix of being utterly fanciable (we could never keep our hands off each other!) and yet a loving and caring partner and father, who always did more than his fair share of chores etc.
We had 16 great years together until he died when the DC were still in nappies, 28 years ago, and I grieve him still.
When you meet the right man, there will be no doubt in your mind.

I would need there to be spark from the off for me to see him again tbh. I think this is why dating is so difficult - lots of lovely guys out there who would make great partners but no real sexual attraction or chemistry. Then you meet a wrong un and go all goo goo eyed over

There needs to be at least a bit of a spark. Do you like the idea of seeing him naked?

I agree with MaeDanvers in that unless there's the same interest and intensity, I wouldn't want to be with someone if they didn't feel the same. My pride and man thing would turn me off! I want to be able to attract and satisfy my partner. If it's not there for them then however painful I'd have to walk away. Why would you want to kiss someone who doesn't feel the same or want reciprocate. Don't prolong or pretend it might be ok for much longer.

Thank you all for your replies, I do feel like I need to leave it there with him then as I’m just not fully feeling it!!

What do I say?! How do I approach it? I hate hurting people’s feelings!

Ima sparks can mean different things, with varying intensities to different people. Is there anything that would be blocking you from letting yourself feel a spark? Has he made any kind of impression and do you enjoy his company?

Given we are still restricted on lockdown, I'd just text him less and less. If he outright challenges you on it, you just say that you've got a lot going on and you aren't really in the right place to date, on reflection. Then wish him luck.

@littlejalapeno

I just don’t feel very excited about seeing him or being there and when we kissed I just felt a bit well, nothingness?! He also speaks about his ex quite a bit or in reference which I found a bit off putting - I did say to him I don’t think you’re quite ready yet but he assured me he definitely was.

Anyone I’ve ever had anything meaningful with I’ve known straight away that I definitely liked them.

In my experience the words “great on paper” were pretty much made for guys you’re never gonna really get that into.

I’ve given it a go with such guys in the past - they tick all the boxes, it’d be a shame not to give them a chance - and had a pleasant enough time, but nothing’s ever come of it.

I think I came to the conclusion that even the most casual of dalliances take up time, attention, and energy, and I was essentially cock-blocking myself.

Just be honest with him, tell him that it’s not exactly what you’re looking for, and thank him for an enjoyable time. Reading back your post, the ‘please don’t ask to take it slow’ text actually sounds quite pushy and intense.

This is an ick waiting to happen

I stayed with someone I don’t have a spark with. He’s a great guy and I thought that the spark would happen over time but nope! I’m ending things as soon as lockdown is over.

Definitely one to draw a line under. I bet you have lots of nice friends and dont need another. What you need is someone who floats your boat!

@lululocks, do you mind me asking - how long have you been with your man and also what sort of age are you? My friend is in a similar situation. She's been with her guy for a year but she's 49 and worried she won't meet anyone else!! I'm a bit worried about her because I think he sounds controlling and I feel better to be single than in a less than great relationship.

No I’d need a spark, this would be a non starter for me.

No-one likes confrontation or hurting people’s feelings (except psychopaths), but you have to do it now and then. He’ll live.

@SunshineOverStress just keep it short and to the point. To be honest, after only 2 dates I think messaging him would be fine rather than a phone call. Maybe something along the lines of, 'I know we talked about taking things slowly, but I can't honestly see this developing into a relationship and I don't want to give you false hopes. All the best for the future ...'

If he tries to convince you otherwise, a firm 'I'm sorry, but I've explained how I feel.' If he won't drop it, then you block and delete. You sound very kind and he sounds like someone who'll struggle to take no for an answer, so stay firm!

I would end it if I were you, you pulled away last time? so if you've seen him more than once then you know you not feeling it, the longer it goes on the worse the heart break for him and wasted time for you.