DP is dismissive of my feelings / worries

[lululocks]

He does this in a way where he thinks he’s being positive.

I’ve been worried about work as well as a few other things recently and all he will respond with each time is ‘Don’t worry it will be fine’ or ‘Don’t worry you’ll get back on track’ that’s it end of conversation. I asked him recently why that’s the only way he ever responds and he said he’s just trying to be positive. I’m far from a negative person and feel I hold back now with opening up to him about how I’m feeling because what’s the point when I know what his response will be?! It’s making me question my relationship with him as I feel I can’t even connect with him on an emotional level.

Is this him actually being dismissive? Or something else?

What do you want him to do/say?

I hate when DH 'solutions' me so I'd like a quick, 'it'll be OK'.

@MrsTerryPratchett It’s not that I want a solution from him. I have my own solutions to problems in life but it would just be nice to have an actual conversation about things rather than just being met with the same bog standard answer each time.

So he won't engage at all? What about nice things you talk about? Does he engage then?

Toxic positivity

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-man-cave/201908/toxic-positivity-dont-always-look-the-bright-side

Rather than deal with the mental load of recognising and dealing with negative emotions, toxic positivity 'looks on the bright side' to the detriment of relationships and mental health

It’s not even that he’s a positive person in general. So I feel when he says these things to shut down my feelings.

Maybe he can’t cope with your difficult feelings? Maybe he can’t cope with his own difficult feelings either?

That type of response is often to kill the conversation. It works too.

I wouldn't be impressed with this from a partner.

I hear you. I used to have one of these.

Like a typical conversation would be
"I'm really worried about my team at work"
"Don't worry, you're an experienced person you'll sort it out"
Or
"not to worry, I'm sure it'll be fine!"

Whereas a friend or someone truly interested in supprting you might ask
'what's worrying you about it?'
'what do you think you might do?'
'do you want to talk to me about it?'
'yes that does sound difficult, no wonder you're worried'

So I feel when he says these things to shut down my feelings.

That is your actual experience. It is not subjective.

That is what has actually happened. He has conditioned you to shut up - and he has been successful in shutting down your communication.

However - he hasn’t shut down your feelings of the original issue you want to air / discuss / problem solve - he has just added another layer of negative unresolved feelings on top.

He likely wants to erase the bother and emotional discomfort of your feelings on him.

You need an initial conversation to say “When you do x - I feel y”

He might not be aware - he might be preoccupied and overloaded with his own stuff right now (is it a new behaviour).

It would be good to ask him want you need so it manages his expectations - I just need to air this, don’t need and input / can we discuss this / can you help me fix this etc.

And you can ask him the same back.

Also is it on everything - or one cyclical topic eg work, friend issue?

@Jennifer2r Exactly that! It’s like he has no interest in understand my feelings on a deeper level.

Thinking about it he like that himself with discussing his emotions. He never opens up or talks about his day or anything else in depth it’s always surface level.

@Gutterton Thank you I will do that when I next try to have a conversation like that with him. A relationship should be based on an emotional connection and him responding in this way makes me feel like there is no connection. I never feel close to him emotionally and feel he doesn’t even know me at times.

@Gutterton It’s with every conversation really. Can’t believe I’m only just realising this now.

How much time/effort have you taken to listen or engage with him? Why can’t he share things with you? Can he get a word in edgewise? Do you have anyone else to share your issues with? Friends, family etc. Maybe because you make all of your issues the focus he could be closed as he doesn’t want to add to an already overburdened atmosphere?

@SqueakyJoint I take it he doesn’t share things with me because he doesn’t want to or he just doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to. This really isn’t an issue with me, I wish it was then I could fix it. I’m a good listener, not an over talker and don’t burden people constantly with my issues its just when I have an issue I no longer bother saying anything to him because there is no conversation about it or how I’m feeling I’m just told “don’t worry it you’ll short it out” it’s frustrating.

I’ve never had this issue before with anyone in my life or ex’s I have friends and family I can talk to but I’m living with someone who dismisses any conversation about feelings and it’s starting to feel lonely being with him.

I was married for ten years to someone like that. Would never engage emotionally with me - everything always had to be bright and cheery.

There was no deeper level of understanding. When my baby was ill in hospital and I broke down on the phone to my mum and couldn't speak I handed the phone to him to tell her what was going on and he pulled a face and tutted at me. I wasn't allowed to be upset or worried. I bottled so much up.

My advice would be to get out while you can. I got out in the end but it wasn't easy. I'm now married to the most empathetic person I've ever met.

It seems like a communication issue in part. This could be a symptom of something deeper. Change if feelings perhaps? Could be on both sides. Not nice to think that, but a real possibility. Some of the previous replies do offer good advice, some of course don’t. Perhaps make it clear you just want a sounding board and not a fixer

Some of the previous replies do offer good advice, some of course don’t. Perhaps make it clear you just want a sounding board and not a fixer.

@Squeakyjoint -surely it's solely up to the OP to declare what advice is good and what advice isn’t? And in addition if she actually wants support to fix something she can ask for that?

*A relationship should be based on an emotional connection and him responding in this way makes me feel like there is no connection. I never feel close to him emotionally and feel he doesn’t even know me at times.

and it’s starting to feel lonely being with him.*

I would also imagine alongside the loneliness you feel unsupported and also unable to support him in return which is very unsatisfying. Thats because there is no emotional intimacy sustaining the RS.

You need to speak with him to understand if it’s because he is unwilling or unable to be emotionally intimate. If it’s the latter is he open to work and explore any barriers?

If the answers are negative then you just need to accept that you are not emotionally compatible.

You need more depth and this is either uncomfortable for him or is not there. In which case you would both be happier with someone else more suitable.

You are not wrong to need and want a deeper RS. The tragedy would be denying yourself this.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Glad to hear you are now with someone better suited :) We aren’t married yet but he is very keen on getting married and starting a family (we are both early 30’s) but it’s something I keep putting off. I’m not sure I could do any big life challenges with him as I would feel alone in them so to speak. He’s happy and doesn’t think there’s a problem.

All of the advice has actually been great on here so thank you all for taking the time to reply @Squeakyjoint you have been a little off the mark with your replies but they are still very much appreciated.

If this pattern of communicating is pretty standard for him, I would be reluctant to take the next step in a relationship, without some form of resolution.

How would he re-act if you said "can I bounce some thoughts around with you", so taking the headline - 'this is about my feelings' out of the frame. I'm not saying you should put up with his dismissing of your emotions, far from it. But suggesting a more neutral opening line.

My boyfriend was very similar. He'd even say "there, there" and pat me on the back when I was crying!

He was so out of touch with his own emotions that he had a breakdown and I've helped him understand himself a bit better and we now have a very meaningful emotional connection. It is definitely possible but he'll need to be motivated to develop that side for both of yours sake. If he doesn't see the need then it may be best to try and find someone who does. I think you deserve that connection you crave.