To be in love with 2 people

[Whatshouldido87]

Don't flame me I need honest advice.
I'm married and I was feeling unhappy with my husband. I also fancied this guy I work with and one night we had a drunken kiss. It was amazing and I wanted to have sex with him. He initially said No, but eventually he caved. It was amazing sex and he made me feel like I have never felt before. We started to see each other more regularly and were having an affair. It was supposed to be fun until I realised I had fallen in love with him. I seperated from my husband and fell in to a relationship with other man. I truly love him. I decided to split with him because I think I still love my husband but not sure if it is that I'm in love with how my husband used to be when we first met. I'm still in contact with the other man, I can't imagine him not in my life, he is kind, funny, gentle and considerate and if I saw him with anyone else it would hurt so much. We have agreed to remain friends but I'm so confused. Is it possible to love 2 people?

He initially said No, but eventually he caved.
Thats really not ok.

I don't think you actually love either.

Obviously it is possible to have a romantic attachment to more than one person at a time. "Being in love" isnt a magical state, it's just a bunch of chemicals and hormones, usually to do with having sexual contact with someone over a period of time. You've had sex with both these men so yes you can be "in love" with both of them.

That has nothing to do with the fact that you probably have emotional or psychological problems that are causing you to seek out high drama, high risk situations, e.g. pursuing a sexual affair, ending your marriage, taking up with the other man, etc. Do you have form for sabotaging yourself / making destructive, impulsive decisions?

The answer to your unhappiness isnt in either of these men, its within you and you would benefit from counselling.

It depends on your definition of love. I think the 'in love' feeling you describe sounds more like an infatuation. An infatuation can grow into the deep-running love you have for a long-term partner, but it's easy to mistake infatuation as something more meaningful if you are looking back to the early days of your relationship with a long-term partner. There's a particular joy in finding for the first time that your feelings are reciprocated, and then in exploring those feelings, that only belongs to the early stages of a relationship.

In short, yes, it is possible to love more than one person, but sooner or later the early excitement will always wane - hopefully to be replaced by something more solid. You'll never be 'in love' with either your husband or the other man, in the same way you were when you first met. If you are not careful you'll always be chasing that excitement, moving from man to man, and moving on as soon as it flickers out.

If I were you I'd stick with my husband.

I'm torn. I fell in love with my husband but as time has passed I'm just not attracted to him physically and sometimes mentally. The other man allowed me and encouraged me to express myself, he made me feel like myself again. People commented that I appeared much happier with the other man. Things were difficult with my husband when we seperated and he would only have our children when I was working. I hated myself for leaving him and hurting him and that's when I realised I must still love him but all the same feelings are there thst I don't feel attracted to him. I've gone back to him and I don't know if it will last. We have children and I don't want them to become confused so I want to make it work for them.

I hated myself for leaving him and hurting him and that's when I realised I must still love him ???? You thought that because the split made you feel bad, you must still love him? And that made you go back to him?

OP, no. All change feels terrible. Guilt is a normal part of a split. It isnt at ALL a sign that you still "love" your husband. You don't know how emotions work or what they mean. Again, please get counselling, you need a lot of guidance here. You have probably already massively confused your kids and if you've reconciled with a man who you dont even want to have sex with, yeah, that isnt going to last, at all.

Are you Katie Price by any chance?

I do (personally) think it's possible to be in love with more than one person, though finding that out if you're in a monogamous relationship and any secondary relationship begins through infidelity is a pretty difficult way to start.

Poly people call that rush of emotions and attraction 'new relationship energy', and recognise that a) it is super powerful and you have to be careful with it and not jeopardise any existing relationships and b) that it is not the same thing as 'love', though it can build from it, and develop in that state. NRE is an amazing feeling, and being free to explore those new connections with people is (personally) wonderful, but not for everyone.

To your actual dilemma...i think you need to work out how you actually feel about your husband - if you are missing him or mourning the relationship - and also if your feelings for the new guy are simply the rush of NRE and further an escape from something difficult in your marriage. I would suggest some counselling to help you unpick it all, along with some thinking about what you want out of relationships and how you value romantic connections.

I think you want to have two cakes and eat them both. You just can't! It's not fair on either of them. It's no good being with the person you cheated with as he could potentially easily do the same to you and you don't desire or love your husband enough to be with him. In my opinion you need to go and be on your own and properly concentrate on yourself and let the damage settle and heal on this triangular battle ground.