Would you be hurt by this message?

[IndecentFeminist]

Quick background, very happy marriage, a few young children, never any concerns re infidelity.

I saw a portion of a message over dh's shoulder the other day, along the lines of 'i miss you, I miss the connection that we had and probably always will'

I didn't see the rest of the message. After stewing for a few days I asked him about it, turns out it was to an ex of 20 odd yrs ago who had cheated on him and is now still married to said chap. He said that he missed her as a friend as they had been best friends for a long time and our connection was far stronger etc. Confirmed happy marriage etc. Hard to talk properly as kids always around. There is zero chance they have met up or anything so I don't suspect anything physical.

But I can't stop the words floating in my head. What would you think or feel in my shoes?

I suspect that is part of it. His mum died last year and he went to pick up some things that were hers, stuff he had kept there etc. Including loads of old photo albums, I saw the message when he had his phone out taking photos of some of them to send to friends etc. So I have no doubt nostalgia is part of this, teamed with an emotionally difficult weekend.

Everyone says it but her genuinely is a lovely husband and father, and I have no doubt that he loves me. He's involved, supportive etc etc. I just now feel a bit second best, which has really thrown me.

When we briefly spoke I told him that it had me feeling like he would rather have married her, that if she hadn't cheated way back when that he would still be with her. He told me that he'd never wanted to marry anyone until we met (nearly a decade after they were together) but knew he wanted to be with me within a week, and that we had the loveliest life.

I do believe him, but at the same time can't reconcile that with missing someone else and telling them so.

20 years ago! He is romanticising their relationship. It wasn't that great if she fucked somebody else and for him to text her, what is driving that?

I'd be so upset too, he needs to focus on what he has with you. You need to have a talk with him.

Well, he's texting her so they must be in some kind of regular contact for him to have her number.

It was on messenger, apparently she popped up on a 'people you may know'/mutual friend thing on Facebook last yr.

I've told him via message this evening that I know we've already talked about it, but I needed him to know that I was hurt, and that I felt it was inappropriate etc. Will see what conversation we can have tomorrow.

I would think it comes down to the bereavement and collecting the old photos. If not for bloody social media he have thought his thoughts and done nothing about it.

You need to see the full text conversation to assess the situation better, if he's deleted the rest of it then that wouldn't be a good look either.

I too would feel very upset. Your husband crossed a line by reaching out and declaring to this woman that he still misses her and their connection. I would consider this an intimate betrayal.

You rumbled him, so he is spinning this as all about their ‘friendship,’ when it clearly isn’t. I hope you are insisting on full transparency by seeing all of their messages.

He has weakened your union and created distance between you. I wouldn’t feel emotionally safe after this.

Deal breaker for me. Hes broken your trust l, I couldnt not go back to normal if I found out my husband had done that, my self esteem would plummet, it would impact on sex I wouldn't be able to be affectionate to him ect. Hes broken your relationship.

Oh I have told my ex DH this and he has told me, I still have some love for him but wouldn't want to rekindle the relationship and it was me who ended the marriage. I don't miss him as part of my every day life or yearn for him, but I have some good memories that I look back on and always will. I feel sad for him when he's having a difficult time and happy for him if times are good. I have rang him in the past.

However I think my DH would be devastated if he read a message saying that, because he can't put it into context, and so I would delete it. If I read a message like that I would want to talk about it but I can understand and if everything was good in my marriage I wouldn't feel threatened.

You are not expected to cut other people out of your life who you have a connection with. I agree with the pp who said lockdown is making us reminisce particularly if he has been sorting through his mothers belongings.

I think it's right that you are honest about your feelings though and he needs to understand why you are hurt.

He should never have said that to another woman. How can you trust him now when he says he loves you? I don't know if this is a dealbreaker for you but it would be close to one for me

I really think people might be overreacting, understandably.

Isn't it possible to have a moment of nostalgic regret about a very old love, which in no way means that you wish you had spent your life with that person and that your current love is second best? I think it is a painful thing for the OP to see, but doesn't necessarily mean what PPs are saying. It could just mean DH was thinking about that old girlfriend and missed that time, the person he was, and the person she was when things were good between them.

People are complicated and capable of having lots of feelings at the same time.

@purrbox
Of course it's possible to have a nostalgic moment about an ex but without texting them and telling them you'll always miss them. This is where he crossed a line, not by having the thoughts but by acting on it.

I agree that he crossed a line and that it was hard for the OP to see. I just don't think it necessarily means what people think. It might just be a momentary wish to talk to someone and tell them you are thinking of them. I don't see it as definitely a betrayal (or even a dealbreaker), in the way that a lot of people seem to.

I’d be hurt

He might have gone on to say “but as it is I am as happy as I could be in my marriage and life couldn’t be better, and I am glad you are happy too”.

I think it all depends. I miss selective things about each relationship I have had. Probably always will! Some people can be very emotionally open and direct, hold fondness for people, express and receive that fondness, and it is no disrespect or undermining of a relationship at all.

It is stronger and more honest to be open, than pretend these feelings don’t exist alongside a relationship that is the love of your life.

Big life events throw up immense nostalgia and memories and re-visitations of the past.

I would listen to him and not automatically think the worst.

I've said this to my ex. And I genuinely did and still do miss him.
He was the one who got away really (even though I dumped him). I can say categorically though that it doesn't reflect on how I feel about my husband. My husband wasn't second best when I chose him.
It is just a different relationship and as someone says above, people can feel lots of things all at the same time.
I'm sorry it's making you feel so bad OP. He needs to show you the whole thread and explain himself. He needs to reassure you and help you realise that you are his world, not this other, long gone woman. If he can't, then that's on him. And then you get to decide how to respond. You are entitled to your feelings and entitled as his partner to be reassured.

This does sound like the tip of an iceberg. I would wonder how long they've been in contact and how many more messages have gone between them. Its upsetting but I guess your never going to know. Him saying to you what we have is so much more, if that were the case why is he sending his such declarations. Difficult to know where to go from now. You can issue an ultimatum and ask him to stop but he'll secretly carry on as he has been doing. It's a trust thing and he's compromising it. Just very dissapointing and upsetting.

If I was in your shoes I would honestly be packing dh's stuff right now...

Having read your update, I think it's nostalgia. They did have a connection or they wouldn't have been together in the first place. It's possible to miss something you had with someone without it belittling what you currently have.

I miss my XH sometimes. We had a brilliant relationship, lots of laughs and fun. I am single and live alone and m currently happier than I've ever been. Would I want him back? Hell no. But it doesn't mean I don't miss some of the laughs and good times.

There's missing something nostalgically and there's missing it and wanting to recreate it. Only you can find out which side of the line he fell.

This is just totally, totally inappropriate behaviour from him; for you to be able to move on I think he definitely needs to acknowledge that.

I would be deeply hurt, for sure.

If they haven't been in touch before this, it could indeed be nostalgia.

But that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Thinking it is his business but texting her is very disloyal.

I certainly don't feel you should feel bad for feeling very unsettled and hurt.

I think it is very important that you find time and space to discuss how you feel with him.

Trying to bury your hurt will not end well.

I wanted to come back to this, as I really appreciated everyone's time last night...I was feeling very low and tired and talking here really helped.

We spoke this morning, and all is well. I was very honest about my hurt, and how inappropriate I found it. He agreed that he could see why I felt that, and that hadn't been his intention. His thoughts were purely nostalgic, and came from a lack of closure way back when. They were best friends for 5 yrs, then boyfriend/girlfriend for 6 months before it went tits up and they haven't spoken since. I think he wanted her to express some sort of warmth or apology.

I'm still somewhat nonplussed and unimpressed, but I'm done with it. It won't happen again and I believe him when he says it days nothing about our relationship. He's a very genuine person, and I know he loves me and our life.

I appreciate not all would take the same course of action, or lack of action, but I'm happy with how we have both dealt with this and happy to move on.

Thank you all for hearing me out. 😘

Great outcome OP.
You sound like you feel you were heard.
This is hugely important.

Nothing wrong with you still feeling unimpressed, you have every right to be.

But you feel he is sincere and a genuine man.
You have made your position clear, this is
very important.

Best of luck