Very stressed and overwhelmed

[chorizogirl]

Hoping for some friendly advice before I do anything stupid. I started a new job literally 5 days before lockdown and feel under huge pressure to learn / perform well in a senior role. I cannot be furloughed (thank-you Chancellor) and have had to learn the job in effect blindfolded and with an equally stressed boss who is herself a mother of 3. On top of this my husband, recently diagnosed bi-polar, is constantly telling me I’m a bad mother for not looking after our 2 young boys (2 and 4) for the 2 days a week they’re not in nursery. Husband is a key worker so we qualify still for childcare. I feel tremendous guilt when my oldest boy, who is very sensitive, is desperately trying to get my attention but I’m just glued to a laptop. He’s recently started being more destructive around the house which I feel is linked to all the disruption in routine and me not giving him attention as ‘normal.’

Husbands key worker status is as a telecoms network engineer so he also works from home. Whereas I am up early every morning however, getting kids ready for breakfast etc, he will routinely lie in bed until gone 10. This morning was the last straw. He knew I had an important meeting at 10:30 that I needed to be online for for just an hour. As usual he rolls out of bed at 10, then after all of 30 minutes alone with the boys starts roaring at me because he can’t make the children’s tent! The CFO and CEO of my company heard this and I felt humiliated. The NHS cancelled husband therapy last week for his depression due to resources, so I am terrified he will finally lose his job and leave me as sole earner in a job I myself have started to loathe and dread.

I have no local friends and cannot see family because of lockdown. I see no escape other then continuing with this job, with depressed increasingly abusive husband, with my boys being neglected. Can anyone else relate to this? How did you cope?

Your husband is a turd. He needs to get up with your children as well as you! Why do you let him lie on constantly?
You're not a bad mother at all. What is he doing on those 2 days?!
He has humiliated you for no reason in front of your bosses.
We won't be in this situation forever. Do you think you would enjoy your work a bit better once in the work place again?

Being in an office again with the routine and interaction would be great compared to this misery. I have often pulled husband out of bed when it’s after 10 but usually get moaned at for being unreasonable! For the 2 at home days since lockdown, husband makes the boys their lunch but not much else. I have had to take many holidays since the lockdown just to keep an eye on the boys. I recently negotiated one morning a week with husband where I’m the one to sleep in past 7am but he still moans about that!

God I’m writing this and thinking what a sad mug I am for putting up with this. We own a nice home together and he’s the father of both my children though - it’s just not straightforward😥

Oh poor you. That was a really shitty thing to do while you were in a meeting, no excuse whatsoever.

Oh I meant to say, get a headset for work online meetings and keep yourself on mute until you need to say something. But he's still a spoiled cunt.

Get a headset and learn how to mute your background. I think you can blur the background. Can you put your kids in more childcare if your husband is a key worker. It’s not ideal but it’s only until things get back to normal

I'm really sorry to hear this. I think you're doing an amazing job in the most difficult of circumstances. Can your kids not go to childcare all week? That would take the pressure off. Longer term I guess you have to see how your husband recovers and if you're still able to stay in the relationship.

depressed increasingly abusive husband,

Can you elaborate on the ‘increasingly abusive’? What is he doing?

OP, has your husband recently started antidepressants? Because anger/irritation is a quite common stage patients go through as the depression begins to lift.
Depression is usually also worst in the mornings, improving during the day, which may explain his difficulty in getting up before 10am.
I’m not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it may help to know the possible reasons.
You are obviously under a lot of stress, both with your job and your husband’s mental illness, and I think it would be benefit you to have some real life support, as well as venting on MN.
Ask your GP for contact details of local support groups for partners and families coping with mental illness in a relative.

Just because you married a man and had children with him doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Do you want to? Wouldn't life be nicer if he lived somewhere else?

@Babdoc

OP, has your husband recently started antidepressants? Because anger/irritation is a quite common stage patients go through as the depression begins to lift. Depression is usually also worst in the mornings, improving during the day, which may explain his difficulty in getting up before 10am. I’m not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it may help to know the possible reasons. You are obviously under a lot of stress, both with your job and your husband’s mental illness, and I think it would be benefit you to have some real life support, as well as venting on MN. Ask your GP for contact details of local support groups for partners and families coping with mental illness in a relative.

Thank you for this. Husband has been on antidepressants for over a year - his illness emerged after the birth of our second son - and it seemed to be managed ok until the lockdown. To compound things the NHS stopped his online therapy last week which has added to the pressure. I am used to the mood swings and have learnt not to take anything personally, however the ranting and raving during what he knew was an important meeting for me was just being spiteful.

You are correct his mood does generally improve during the day. I think I’m quite a proud person and have always thought I could manage this situation without any support but it’s starting to impact my mental health too now. I will swallow my pride now I think and reach out to some organisations per your advice.

I identify totally with you being the 'proud person who can cope with everything' OP, so I'm so glad you recognise you should reach out for help. I never did and I regret that. As well as organisations, are there friends and family who can support you?

Being depressed is no excuse for abusing you and humiliating you. What a horrible selfish twat. What does he add to your life? Sounds like you'd be better rid of him.

So sorry to hear you have all this stress and little support.

I have bipolar. Unless someone is in an episode it doesn't make them a wanker, and even then most wankerism can be avoided.

Therapy isn't the best treatment for the overarching diagnosis of bipolar of course (of which depression is just a part.) I think his medication could be improved. You could ask him to let his consultant know what's going on and how he's behaving- they will probably up his meds.

I hope his therapy is just postponed rather than completely stopped. Could he pay for therapy in the meantime/especially now as it might be helpful? I'm not earning but I prioritized and paid for a lot of therapy with my disability payments. It was worth it.

The mood swings of bipolar tend to be for periods of several weeks or months at a time. Some people do have rapid cycling bipolar (they have to be diagnosed with 'normal' bipolar first) but usually if someone's mood changes over a day/a few days there's something else going on too, like Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

The meds can make you groggy in the morning.

Is he on a mood stabilizer or something like that? If he has a diagnosis of bipolar, he should be. And they could give him something to calm him down.

So you both WFH FT? In that case you should both be splitting the childcare.

I understand he's a keyworker, and that would make a difference if he needed to be out of the house. But he doesn't. So you're both in the same boat of trying to WFH.

The problem is that he's treating the childcare as your role. Because you're a woman? Because he's lazy? So any bit he does he sees as a gracious gift to you.

You need to reset the baseline. He should be doing half. Half of all overnight wake-ups. Half of the early mornings. Half of all the work during the day. Half of the lunches and dinners. Half of the housework.