Book for someone leaving very abusive relationship?

[Branleuse]

Ive got a very good friend who has always had quite a chaotic life, but sadly her adult daughters life has turned into quite a shitshow. Shes gone from one abusive relationship to another. Last year she got into a relationship with a violent criminal who she believed she could save etc etc. Needless to say hes beaten the shit out of her. Police are useless because half the time she wont tell on him. Shes left him now after another severe beating.
Does anyone have any recommendations for any book that I could give her that might give her some strength. Im worried hes going to kill her.
Ive seen stuff like the freedom programme mentioned but shes young and poor and i think she only has internet on her phone, but maybe if there was a really good book?

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your friend's daughter. Unfortunately what she needs is therapy and perhaps to research co dependence.

The Freedom Programme is actually free, if she contacts her local domestic abuse organisation, they may be able to offer similar groups or know of programmes in her area similar to the Freedom Programme.

She obviously needs support. She could check out Co dependence No More by Melody Beattie.

CoDA may be running online support during the lockdown and they are certainly worth exploring. They are free.

Her local GP may be of help and know what's available in the area. It's always worthwhile documenting the abuse with the GP should she need evidence in the future.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship is a good book and I believe Why Does He Do That? by Lundy is knocking around free somewhere.

Ultimately she needs therapy. If she has no money then she may be able to get reduced rate or free therapy. She needs to do an internet search and find out what's available in her area and through her local domestic abuse organisation.

If she keeps getting into abusive relationship this is because a. that's all she knows and b. her self esteem will be very low c. she is the daughter of addicts (alcoholics/drugs) or grew up around mental health issues that have somehow pushed her into a caretaking role and made her a 'rescurer'. She needs to unpack that in therapy.

“Stop Signs. Recognising, avoiding, and escaping abusive relationships“ by Lynn Fairweather.

It’s the best I’ve read on the subject. Read it in one sitting.

@Branleuse I recommend the FP- better in person of course. During Covid the organizers will probably be happy to chat over the phone or Zoom.

My local ones are starting a new programme called 'Own My Life' over Zoom (This is a replacement for 'The Recovery Programme,' at least locally, from now on for some reason.) www.ownmylifecourse.org/what It sounds very feminist (which isn't a bad thing really of course.) I'm joining in when it starts local to me next week.

The book 'Living with the Dominator' summarizes the FP and is set out very clearly and nicely. www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/dp/1477410597?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 I imagine that if she's been through trauma she might not always have much concentration etc for reading.

Perhaps she could watch some YouTubes too. Richard Grannon's stuff on Narcissism is classic of course, and I enjoy Val (ToxicFree.) www.youtube.com/channel/UCyWQGtsOtOYaxBM69unVwag but she might prefer to find some younger ones more relatable.

@LixPring Oooh, that sounds good.

It IS good. Very practical too. From getting away from someone who is showing more limited signs, to full cross country escape from an extremely dangerous man, to dealing with situation post-leaving if you have children together. She also tells her own story briefly, when as a young woman she was working in a women’s refuge (her dad was a policeman too) when she first found herself involved with a violent man and needing to get away from him.

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I forgot to add NoMore the “Stop Signs” book also examines all kinds of abuse, sexual, Verbal, psychological, economic, and spiritual; not just physical abuse.

Hands down the freedom programme
It’s also free if referred by a social worker x

Thisisworse- it's free for everyone in real life, women can phone up to speak to the co-ordinators/join.

Unfortunately it costs £12 to do online or something, but I think it's probably better to just read the 'Living with the Dominator' book maybe, as IDK about you but I find it hard to motivate myself to do written exercises etc. I did buy the online programme but more kind of read it.

@Branleuse Ah, a few of the Freedom Programme videos are up on youtube. www.youtube.com/channel/UC5LKTuDSbKZtCyp-xqGeL1Q

She does need therapy but i dont think it will happen. Its very complicated. Its completely chaotic and i have to be careful to not get overinvolved. I will order some of those books. Hopefully it will plant the seed. Thanks

I didn’t know that
I needed a SS referral
But I still say hands down it’s THE most effective way
I could almost do a bloody GCSE on it now !

Ive just ordered her "living with the dominator"