What do you wish you had know before during or after going through a divorce/split

[Lardlizard]

Time for some time out

It would have been easier and less painful than I thought.

Watching with interest

I wish I knew that when we said we wanted to keep things amicable throughout, that that really doesn't happen.

I wish I knew the day I got the papers to sign that I started back in square one emotionally.

It's a shit process. But once it's done things are a lot better.

That once you realise it needs to end, make a list put your head down and then get it down.

That you will get on okay with your ex until you talk about money, and then in will get ugly.

Before - it's never going to be amicable no matter how hard you try.
During - all the nasty comments, vile behaviour, and stunts he's pulling are just his way of trying to control you. He isn't happy. Happy people don't behave like that.
After - I did it. I survived. I have a life again

Not allow my guilt to push me to make bad financial decisions, in XH's favour.
Not to trust him in financial mediation.
To realise that the marriage died because of both of us, not just me.

People will tell you to take the bastard to the cleaners, but actually, arguing over relatively small sums of money may be more hassle than it's worth. It often works out better value to settle for a slightly lower sum in mediation than it would be to fight all the way to court, potentially be awarded slightly more, but have to pay £££ legal fees.

I wish I’d known which “friends” would turn out to be arseholes. On the other hand, people I wouldn’t have expected turned out to be awesome.

You’re still scared of him and walking on egg shells long after the divorce is over.

The little blip (when it all gets too much and terrifying to be left as a single mum) will go. You will cope and your attitude will dictate the way the children cope.

You’re still scared of him and walking on egg shells long after the divorce is over.

This!

Also I wish I'd known about Mumsnet! It would have made it all so much easier.

@ user1475009690 @SixesandEights , I thought this too, but it’s getting easier

@user1475009690 @SixesandEights flowers flowers, I thought this too, but it’s getting easier

I wish I'd known in the early days after we split that my true happy place was just around the corner waiting for me.

The fact that he was a stingy nasty little man being the reason I divorced him, I should have foreseen how low he would go to avoid maintenance.

That down the line the whole thing would be a distant memory, and I will be happy.

That all of the heartache and upset sort of just disappears one day when it’s overtaken by genuine dislike for the person who treated you so badly.

That as soon as that happens you can move on, and find a much happier life.

That the dc would cope much better with it than I thought.

That it would almost destroy me - to get a solid group of friends around me in advance to hold me up.

That the children will take it all in their stride.
I agonized for years over the kids, but when I told them, they were totally totally fine with it.

What they said..
Plus, the threats about taking dd away were just that, he had no intention of having any more time with her than the bare minimum. I would have gone through the process a lot quicker if I had not had that anxiety.
But definitely yes, the love goes quickly but being scared of him takes much longer to go.

Ours was amicable - we are still friendly and send each other birthday/Xmas cards. I still see my stepdaughters. It's not true it can't be amicable. It might be unusual, but it can happen. I'm talking from experience.

@user1482949820

Ours was amicable - we are still friendly and send each other birthday/Xmas cards. I still see my stepdaughters. It's not true it can't be amicable. It might be unusual, but it can happen. I'm talking from experience.

Mine is too. We didn't use solicitors, came to agreements over money etc ourselves, co-parent and help each other out as much as possible. I did end the relationship to be with someone else which doesn't make life easy but we both had a desire to keep things as calm as possible.

That life doesn’t go to calm and happy immediately afterwards You end with an abuser

That when the abuser leaves you all have scars and anger to process

So whilst I am happy I ended it , there can be major emotional fall out afterwards

I wish I had been readier !!

That it gets better ...
That it takes time ..
That myself and my kids are much better off..
That every problem that you encounter has a solution ..
It's not as hard as you think
And that it's very definitely worth it ...
That it is a fresh start ...