DH just called me a bitch

[chur]

Sitting on the settee eating chips and when DH sat next to me I picked up the chips and moved them to the side, to be out of his way. At which point he called me a bitch and said it was a selfish thing to do. To be honest it was more how he said it that has upset me. Such venom in his words.

I've retreated to the bedroom. He came in straight away to apologise, at which point I told him I wouldn't be spoken to like that and he left the room.

I don't feel like I can share this with anyone in real life. Everyone thinks he is a kind and great DH, which I would have agreed with not that long ago. Something feels different now. I feel different now.

I'm not sure why I'm even posting this in all honesty. I am working huge hours in a stressful job whilst trying to hold it together at home. At least here in NZ our preschooler and primary aged DC are back at school. DH was made redundant due to COVID-19 and I'm the one spending hours going through every line in our budget/meal planning and also looking for any job opportunities that may suit him and then helping him tailor applications for the few he decides he will bother applying for. We are lucky that I am the primary income earner but it will still be tight. If it wasn't for the additional upheaval for the DC I think I'd ask him to leave for a few days right now. I was getting sick of being the one having to do everything right now, but figured he was finding having been made redundant tough, but tonight has just made me feeling cold.

I guess I'm just wondering if there is a way back from feeling like this? Or perhaps this is the beginning off the end.

Why did you move the chips? I'd be annoyed too if I was him. But I wouldn't swear at you.

You need to have a frank discussion about separate issues.

1. Don't swear at me or put me down -he apologised -if it happens again - ............it's a deal breaker or whatever you want to insert here.
2. We are a team but I'm working FT and doing X Y Z. What are you doing? How can be make this balanced?
3. He needs to be applying and searching for his own job not you. He needs to step up.

I moved the chips so that I could actually cuddle in against him. It wasn't like they were out of his reach.

FFS just typing this out is making me sad at how pathetic this all is and how are communication is so crap.

Thanks for the suggestions around breaking it down to pieces. I have tried but my patience is waning.
I'm not sure how to fix this. He doesn't want to engage when I try and broach the subjects of sharing the load or how stressful it is that I feel like I am having to make all of the decisions, and every job I suggest he has an excuse as to why it won't work or he waits so long to actually apply the position it's pointless.
If I didn't know better I'd say he was depressed, but he seems fine when he is gaming online and chatting to his friends. It's just us and family life he seems to be checking out of.

Sorry about the typos- on my phone

So moving the child meant he could sit close to you and not on the chips?

Tell him to do his own fucking job hunting

Chips not child! Twatty phones

Well this isn’t about chips is it? His behaviour was nasty but the fact that he apologised straight away indicates at least he knows he was wrong.

I think there’s a lot in your post that means his using you as a sponge for everything..you have to soak up the financial responsibility, be his cheerleader etc. I think you need to tell him you don’t have a problem with supporting a loving engaged partner but this incident has made you realise you need to step back for a bit. He needs to take control of his own situation now or forever be the man child that lost everything over a bowl of chips!

Why did you move the chips? I'd be annoyed too if I was him.

She already explained and it's not relevant.

He shouldn't be swearing at you and if he's at home should be pulling his weight. Up to you if you want him to leave. Stop doing anything for him

OP,
No wonder you are pissed off.

You are carrying the entire load.

If he is gaming and having a laugh with friends, then he is not depressed in the clinical sense.

It sounds to me like major avoidance of what needs to be done.

He sounds very very selfish at a difficult time.

I think you should ask him to leave.

Tell him he is dragging the family down with his selfishness and to not come back until he wants to work as a team.

Fxxk the gaming and having a laugh with buddies.
Sounds like he is your child, when you clearly don't need another.

Tell him to sling his hook until he grows up.

Mind yourself OP.

chur

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This was never ever about a bowl of chips. He is not the nice man you thought he was and you're now able to see things far more clearly. Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. He wants that over you.

re your comment:-

"I'm not sure how to fix this. He doesn't want to engage when I try and broach the subjects of sharing the load or how stressful it is that I feel like I am having to make all of the decisions, and every job I suggest he has an excuse as to why it won't work or he waits so long to actually apply the position it's pointless".

There is no fixing this and he has and is showing you clearly who he really is. All this man cares about is his own self and getting his needs met. You are but secondary to him, he sees you as the domestic help. I would think he is not depressed either, he sounds both petulant, angry and resentful of you (and probably also somewhat pissed off that you are currently the main earner).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you would want them to emulate, no it is not.

The point about stepping back has resonated hugely. I am guilty of trying to fix everything and make things easy for people (including DH) at times. Perhaps he isn't stepping up because I'm not giving him the space to be able to do that?

I do think he feels guilty, he just came to check on me.

I guess some sleep may help give me some perspective. The thing that is really playing on my mind is that at the moment something feels different in me, in my response. I'm not expressing myself very well. I think worried that this may be signalling a change in how I feel. What is disconcerting is that I still very much want to be in a partnership with him, but I'm not feeling that way right now.

I'm talking rubbish now. Time for some sleep. Thanks for your replies and thoughts so far for me to ponder on.

I think you are emerging from the fog.

Do not minimise or excuse what he has done here. He is at home gaming and chatting to family members whilst you are carrying the mental load of housework, children and working outside the home too. You have two children, you do not need a petulant manchild as well to carry.

I would suggest counselling for your own self re your wanting to fix everything and making life easier for people. This is likely deeply ingrained in you and was probably learnt from a parent in your own childhood. Its not an emotionally healthy state for you to have.

Thanks Attilla. I probably do need to spend some time working on myself. May look to access some support for this via my EAP scheme through work.
I think tomorrow I'll take some time out and go for a long walk. I'm not going to ignore what happened tonight or the other dynamics that are playing out but I am aware that life bring as stressful as it is right now I don't want to make any rash decisions or statements. I'm sure we are both feeling the pressure.

Now I'm really going to try and get some sleep!

That's pretty horrible and very telling of where your husband's head is at.
Loving people don't do what he did. He reacted terribly to nothing! You moved the chips and he called you a bitch. Don't minimise this. He feels guilty because the cat's out the bag. You know he doesn't respect you, support you or your exhausting efforts to keep the show on the road, nor does he show ANY gratitude for all you're doing. He can't hide that from you. And he feels guilty about the fact that you really know you've been devalued. Shame on him.

I can't get over anyone excusing calling you a bitch. That's just something I wouldn't be prepared to put up with. Why didn't he say 'oh, can I have a chip?' if he thought you were moving them away from him, which you weren't, you were trying to get close to him. That's why it hurt so much, his misreading of your rather nice intentions. I don't know where it all leads for you OP, but you are right to be upset.

Sounds like you are seeing him clearly, and are shocked by that.

Have a good think.

He doesn't have YOUR back, that is for sure.

Time to step back indeed OP.

He needs a job. Immediately. That he gets himself with no help from you. How this is going to happen I don't know but you need to step completely back from that and stop being involved straight away. He is feeling emasculated and you are not helping him.

At the same time he needs to pitch in and do his share and when he does he needs to feel good about it not like he didn't do it properly and got told off by mummy. The more you pick up the slack the less he will do. A very wise (and probably psychopathic) male friend of mine used to call it the social welfare theory - the more you do for someone the less he will do for himself. He demonstrated it to me with another man we worked with several times. Amazing, and true,

Right now his sense of himself as a man is destroyed and until he feels that come back again he's going to be difficult, and possibly depressed. Very very choppy waters for you indeed and it all depends on whether the underlying relationship is a good one worth saving or whether he's always been a bit of a prick and is now getting worse.

In the meantime depending on his skills there's a million ways he can earn money. Diy, mowing lawns/gardening, I don't know what he does do can't advise. He may need to skill up and you may need to get tough.

But I will say that depression is not about not being able to enjoy yourself gaming and with friends. I had it and thought it wasn't because in my safe place (home) and with friends I was ok. Depression is constant thoughts of shame and self blame going around and around, along with a sense of hopelessness. It gets much worse with time untreated unless your circumstances miraculously change. Which they don't because you are depressed.

He will need a doctor to tell him though as he won't believe you. He needs to be honest with the doctor about what's in his head too. It's a tough sell - men who are depressed see it as a massive weakness and see taking pills as a cop out so if he's got a doctor he really respects or someone else he looks up to and respects he might listen.

Even a print out or an online depression test (actually very accurate) from a source he respects will get the conversation started.

The gaming needs to stop though. Can the system somehow get accidentally broken? Is there any way you can get him out of the house, to see people (together) and do something fun?

@SummerDayWinterEvenings

Why did you move the chips? I'd be annoyed too if I was him. But I wouldn't swear at you.

You need to have a frank discussion about separate issues.

1. Don't swear at me or put me down -he apologised -if it happens again - ............it's a deal breaker or whatever you want to insert here.
2. We are a team but I'm working FT and doing X Y Z. What are you doing? How can be make this balanced?
3. He needs to be applying and searching for his own job not you. He needs to step up.

You’d be annoyed that your dh moved chips so they were out your way? You realise that’s ridiculous?

That is abuse.

He claims to feel bad afterwards but that didn't stop him doing it.

On top of that, he is acting immature in that you have to help get him to apply for what jobs he can be arsed to apply for, plus he's not pulling his weight like someone's other half should.

He's both abusive and lame. He takes you for granted and that's why he things he can treat you and act this way.

You don't have to work on yourself, you're doing nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. He's acting like a twat.

I don't think you will forget all this in a hurry- this can be got over but only if he got some wake up calls maybe of you telling him that it's not ok and he's at risk of being binned if he carries on treating you like this.

You could say something like (in your own words) 'I appreciate that these are difficult times but it's not ok to treat me in this way. I don't have to be with you, if you're crap I won't bother.' (The second sentence served me well with a bloke I was with once, and made him acknowledge he was taking me for granted and stop it. We eventually split up, but for other reasons.)

Doesn't matter if he's depressed (though of course he should get treatment if so) he needs to stop acting like a cunt.

I'd have to insist on an immediate and long, long chat about the fact that YOU are left responsible for everything, (even for HIS bloody job hunt !!) while he sits on his arse and 'checks out' when he has to interact with you and his own bloody children..............................

I'd be forcing him to either 'check out' on a permanent basis, starting NOW, or he draws up an action plan for finding his own job and doing 80% of all housework etc until he has secured employment.

I realise finding a job is not always easy, and it may take a while.........but this does NOT excuse him from his obligations as a husband and father, it gives him MORE time to devote to you all !
So if he's NOT up for doing that (and with a bloody smile on his face and love in his heart while he does it !), then it's time for him to leave.............

How dare he use you as his banker, maid, cook, childcare etc and give NOTHING back.....................
( and if he thinks he's depressed, then he puts on his big boy pants and does something about it, though depression doesn't usually pick and choose the time it happens................