Male aggressive behaviour at work - triggering me . Toughen up ?

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Hello
I just came off a meeting in tears
Fortunately the beauty of video con is no one knows

I am 5 months out of an 18 year abusive relationship
Since lockdown started I’ve had some time to think 🤔

I have had at work moments when male colleagues speak to me in an aggressive or hostile manner . There are two on a team I am supporting Now
And what a pair of areseholes they are

To say this upsets me is an understatement
Today I literally burst into tears
I did however defend my position
Likewise my two sons also trigger me
They are lovely boys but have learnt some bad behaviours
My post abuse anger probably doesn’t help

My question is for other Is

Is this a normal part of business (men being aggressive /getting heated ) and I need to toughen up a bit

Or is this unacceptable behaviour ?

Has anyone else had this ? Am very interested

Ime of working in a very male dominated profession - it is very common and you need to toughen up, or get out. I would say it has got less common over the years and younger men, generally, don't seem to be as bad to me. It's the middle aged blokes in their 50s and 60s that cause the issues for me nowadays and luckily I am now senior enough to just ignore them, which they hate. If it really distresses you, move to a different job at least. I put up with this shit for 10y and moving to a new job, same job but different industry was the best thing i ever did and the men I work with now are all either lovely or perfectly fine.

It really depends what they are doing/saying.

If it's just slightly raised voices or interruptions then you're going to struggle (not minimising how that can make someone feel by the way, just trying to be objective).

If however they are being clearly aggressive, shouting at you, insulting you, using offensive language etc then you absolutely can and should raise it. Start by practising some simple, calm rebuttals:

• "Please don't speak to me like that"
• "Please don't swear at me"
• "Please don't shout at me"

You need to practise so that your tone becomes calm and clear rather than scared or intimidated. If it keeps going, remind them and then say what you're going to do:

• "I've asked you not to swear at me. If you continue I am going to end the call"
• "I've asked you not to speak to me like that. If you continue I am going to leave the room"

And do it - be prepared to hang up, end the conversation etc. If you do this, follow it up in writing:

• "Hi, I left the meeting today because I do not wish to be shouted at. I'm happy to continue the conversation calmly another time"
• "Hi, I ended our call today because you swore at me and that is unacceptable. I am happy to resume our conversation without such language another time"

Then if it continues or there are any negative repercussions, go to your own manager in the first instance. Explain what you have done to try to resolve the issue. If your manager does nothing or is ineffective, HR is the next step. It could be considered bullying and you can raise a grievance if necessary.

@Itsbefore
Great post.
👏👍

Yes
They are the biggest culprits
The irony is we are supposed to have this loving caring culture

I have actually emailed him . Fuck it
I work hard and I don’t deserve this shit

How can a company that’s supposed to be expert on human behaviour be so wilfully bling to toxic bullying male behaviour

And thanks its

I have moved on from ‘this triggers me because I am abuse survivor’

To this ‘this is unacceptable’

The problem is my overall manager (who is great) has his own issue with this toxic culture too !!