Did having a child make you rethink your relationship?

[StressedFirstTimeMum]

I'm a 27 year old first time mum to a beautiful 3 month old baby boy after 5 miscarriages previously.

I've been with my fiance for 10 years in December and engaged for 2 in August.

However, over time our arguments seem to be getting worse and we have always been hot headed even in our early days but now that we have a baby it's really making me doubt the solid future I thought we had. But due to the added stress we have on us right now (lockdown, newborn baby, fiance was made redundant due to covid 19 2 months ago and I am on maternity leave but it looks like I will be made redundant myself) I don't know if I shouldn't jump to any hasty decisions.

I could go on forever but to sum it up we are mainly arguing right now, I say we, I would do anything to have an easy life and keep the peace but even that doesn't seem to be working is over my apparent attitude and tone when I say things I'm not nice enough enough him and also about the lack of excitement/passion in our sex life.

The first couple of weeks we brought our little man home were honestly perfect and we were so loved up but things seem to be getting progressively worse and worse and I don't want my son to grow up witnessing these arguments and the way I am spoken to my fiance (calls me everyname under the sun, we talk until he is finished in which he'll then give me the silent treatment to the next day and will not acknowledge any attempts I make of amends in the meantime (side note we have a one bed flat with a kitchen/living room which he takes over when we argue which leaves me and the baby camped out in the bedroom as if he's not talking to me he will rarely interact with the baby), he's just making me feel really down and shit about myself at a time which I thought we would one day look back on happily. I feel it's not normal to sit crying with a screaming baby at times in one room with a partner in the next room that wouldn't even check to see the baby was okay and is probably just playing a computer game.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't read well and is so long, I'm typing it in anger as I set up in the bedroom for however long until my partner next speaks to me after another argument tonight. Also now the third day my partner has said he doesn't want to be with me and would leave and take the baby with him. He's only leaving the baby as he knows it would break me.. at one point in time I felt like this man truly loved me, now half the time I dont even think he likes me.

Not sure what I'm looking for but feel better getting it off my chest. Should I think about leaving as I don't know if staying together is best for my baby or should I try and make some extra allowances due to extra stress on us both.

Sorry that you are having a rubbish time at the moment.
It could be the stress of having a new baby.
Maybe he’s feeling a bit neglected I know it’s not very mature but sometimes feelings aren’t.
You’ve both had 10 years of it been just the both of you and no matter how much you prepared or talked about it the baby has come into your home and is currently a wedge between you.
Is there anyone who can babysit so you can have a date night or a day our together to rekindle the relationship.
Even a few hours just to watch a movie together uninterrupted might be all it takes.

I honestly think if you’ve been together 10 years and this is the worse it has been and its since the baby then what you are both struggling with is how it has changed your roles in the relationship, how it’s affected your views of each other and you both just need to take sometime to talk it through without the distraction of the baby for a few hours.
I hope you can both work through this and find what you have lost.

This man is not a good partner. He calls you names - that is completely unacceptable. He restricts your movements in your own home. Completely unacceptable. He pressures you to have sex / be better in bed - beyond unacceptable. He threatens to leave and take the baby even though he actually leaves almost all the work of parenting to you. He is utterly selfish and unfit to be your partner or your baby’s father. I’m really sorry OP but this is not going to get better. He is verbally abusive at the very least, and possibly sexually and/or physically abusive too.

To answer the question in your thread title: yes having children made me rethink my relationship. It turned out that the man I had been with for 15 years before having children was a crap father and totally unsuited to the role he found himself in. Immature, irresponsible, verbally / emotionally abusive and most of all totally selfish. I left him but it took me too long - I had 2 children before I found the strength to go. But I was aware that I had made a massive mistake since my first pregnancy, after an abusive incident then. In fact, I knew it before, but I was so used to him I put up with it. Having the children ultimately made me stronger. It changed my priorities (it didn’t change his one bit) and made me more determined to create the happiest / safest environment and be the best role model I could be. Ironically, if I hadn’t had the children I’d probably still be limping along in the same crap relationship.

OP, I really do think you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. It won’t get better. Don’t accept it. For you or your child.

He’s abusing you.

Yes it’s time to call time on this and it’s very mature of your to recognise that it isn’t right and to stop your son from being brought up and witnessing this type of relationship as normal?

Who’s flat is it? Does he have anywhere he could go? Can you manage the flat by yourself?

If it’s not your flat I would apply for a council property and state the reasons why as a relationship breakdown and see if they can help you.

I know exactly where you are coming from. My ex did the same to me and especially the silent treatment and leaving me to look after the baby in the bedroom. You will end up depressed if you stay cooped up in there.

He won’t take the baby it’s just another means of control. Is he on the birth certificate?

It was the best thing I ever did leaving my ex. Well he left the house as it’s in my name. We are getting on better now, but I’d never fall for his crap again and take him back.

Can you get out of the house for a long walk or anything today? Take a flask of hot water and some baby milk and go sit in a park so then there’s no rush to go back and it beats being stuck in the bedroom?

Hope you’re okay ♥️

How are things today OP?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply! I really do appreciate it, it's given me a lot to think about.

To answer your questions we rent together, the tenancy is only in my name and I could manage the flat without him.

Tbh I have no idea how things are between us, my fiance is still sleeping on the couch so we've had no communication yet today..