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Original poster

Help... why I'm worried about sex again...

21 replies

Mummyofmay2020 · 28/05/2020 18:54

I had a very traumatic labour in December and months on I am still healing from episiotomy wound and tearing etc. I dread thinking about the idea of having sex again and feel quite pressured/nervous when i think about it, partly because my OH has been patient for this long but also because the wound still hasn't fully closed up and I can't imagine pain free sex. As I'm also nursing, I find it hard to see my breasts in a sexual manner atm... if that makes sense at all. Can any one relate or give any advice/share any thoughts ? Has anyone had an episiotomy and successfully healed enough to go back to a normal healthy sex life? I'd like to think it's just about being patient and riding it out

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2020 19:05

Have you spoken to a doctor about this? Your scar not healing this far out is awful and not quite normal I wouldn't think. My episiotomies healed quickly, and resuming sex wasn't a problem by 5/6 weeks after birth, so I can't imagine dealing with it for so long. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The issue with your breasts not feeling sexual right now is very, very common whilst breastfeeding, so I wouldn't worry about that at all.

DramaAlpaca · 28/05/2020 19:07

I agree with Aquamarine's post and second her advice to get your GP to check you over

Babyiwantabump · 28/05/2020 19:08

Yes it should be healed by about 6 weeks! If it’s still healing you may have an infection which is stopping it? See your gp

Ceriane · 28/05/2020 20:10

Definitely see your GP and find out why it’s not healing. Don’t attempt sex until you are sure it’s better. In the meantime, just continue being honest with your partner about why. He sounds like a good guy.

doughnutmuffin · 28/05/2020 21:36

I had sex about 7 weeks after labour (which was very straightforward birth no complications) and tbh it was probably too soon. If it doesn't feel right don't attempt it yet. Yes it's been 5 months or so but if you had a difficult birth then wait until you're ready. There are other ways you can be intimate with your husband so as long as you try and make the effort to keep the spark there you will be fine. Also you are both dealing with a newborn baby so are bound to be exhausted so don't be too hard on yourself

whataboutbob · 28/05/2020 21:41

Is this your 1st baby OP? I had trouble seeing all of my body including my brain as a sexual entity after my 1st baby. Breastfeeding took some of the fun away as my breasts were converted from a pleasure source to an often painful baby feeding system. I had an episiotomy and managed sex 6 weeks after birth, it felt a bit odd, I could feel scar tissue, but it wasn’t painful. Obviously sex got better with time.

nervousnelly8 · 28/05/2020 21:49

Honestly, sex wasnt comfortable for me for about a year after my first. I had a bad tear, then infected stitches. Although it was "healed" after a few months, the first time we tried (around 6 months) it was still very painful for me. I saw the GP who gave me a pretty dreadful internal exam and sent me for a scan, but everything was "normal". She did say that hormones can be quite different whilst breastfeeding which can impact enjoyment of sex - she offered an oestrogen shot but I decided against.

My advice - it does get better but be kind to yourself and be patient. Do other intimate stuff lots before trying full intercourse. Don't feel guilty about your DH - he sounds patient and kind and will not want to rush you. Finally, when you do try it, if it does hurt, don't panic. 15 months on and it's back to normal for me, just persevere! And know that you're not alone.

Original poster

Mummyofmay2020 · 28/05/2020 22:03

Thanks all, I was checked about 2-3 months after and the doctor said that healing after forceps delivery can take a long time and to be patient as the healing process looked like it was on track. They said that 6-8 weeks is the advice foelr a normal delivery. With covid going on at the mo I have not been again. I did have an infection initially but it cleared up with antibiotic.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyofmay2020 · 28/05/2020 22:08

@whataboutbob Yes, first baby! Thank you for sharing your experience. Can I ask if your wound had fully sealed before you tried? Mine is still a bit open/bloody looking and tender/a little painful to touch, but otherwise generally okay

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 28/05/2020 22:10

I'm not an expert but it should've healed by now IMHO. Please see your GP.

As to sex- wait till it's properly healed and you feel in the mood again. xxx

Newschapter · 28/05/2020 22:59

Hi @Mummyofmay2020

I had episiotomies for both my children.

After my first birth I have to say it was awful. The stitches were too tight and after they healed I felt like it tore a bit. I had failed ventouse ended in forcep delivery.

The doctor said all was on track for healing but even though dh and I had sex after 6 weeks it was uncomfortable right up until ds was born three years later.

I know this sounds silly but during labour (middle of the night, ward very quiet) I had a chat with the midwife and was saying about episiotomy with Dd and felt sore ever since.

When it came to delivery she said I'd need another, but she was so good and promised she wouldn't sew it as tight and she made a very small cut - and I have to say it healed so much better and apart from the first time we had sex (I was nervous) it has been fine.

I'd go back to the doctor if I were you a d maybe keep in mind that it might be fixed if there was to be another child?

Hope you're feeling ok apart from this

fiftyandfat · 28/05/2020 23:21

I honestly don't think your episiotomy should be the way you describe it after all this time. I think you should contact your GP and tell them exactly what you have said here.

Helpusout · 28/05/2020 23:27

Newschapter same happened to me my first birth I had episiotomy and 2nd degree tear and I swear it was too tight and hurt every time I had sex. Just had my second baby few months ago had the sane tear but have no pain down there anymore. Was like the second baby knocked everything back in the right place.

Dery · 29/05/2020 00:20

"I honestly don't think your episiotomy should be the way you describe it after all this time. I think you should contact your GP and tell them exactly what you have said here."

This. It should have healed by now. The lingering problem (whatever it is) can almost certainly be fixed quite easily so it's a shame for you to continue to suffer unnecessarily - quite independently of your sex life, it would be good for you to feel completely comfortable there.

meganelizabeth · 29/05/2020 07:27

Hi I hope your ok op . I have a friend who has had that done and it took her months too but she is ok now my mother had one on me and 33 years later she still has issues with it . But she has mentioned that all the stitches got infected so she had to have them redone and they all got embedded 🤢. Google the health benefits and healing properties of coconut if it's not healing too good . That stuff is amazing x

whataboutbob · 29/05/2020 09:42

Hi @Mummyofmay2020, yes it was fully healed, there was a lumpy scar about half way up. Now I just don’t notice it but I’m in my fifties so alas sex is not all that frequent ! So my surgery was not as impactful as yours. I think i would wait, it should be totally up to you but obviously you want to avoid painful experiences which could set up a negative mind - body loop. Maybe try other ways of orgasming/ giving your partner pleasure eg oral/ manual?

Candleabra · 29/05/2020 09:51

Hi, you definitely shouldn't be having wound issues this far along. I know this because I did too - including the midwife and health visitors assertions that this was 'normal'. ("Things never go back to how they were" "it's just something we women have to put up with...")
I mentioned it to the gp at the six week check, she was appalled and referred me to a gynae consultant immediately. I had a very small operation a few weeks later - I think just to tidy up the edges of the wound so they could heal properly. Things were better almost immediately.

Please please don't accept this. It makes me so angry that women get fobbed off all the time about medical issues that have such a detrimental impact on health, mental health and general life - and are often so easily fixable.

I know of other older ladies (my mum told me) that have been suffering and struggling on for years with similar problems. Again, fobbed off with "it's normal".

Babyiwantabump · 31/05/2020 13:29

Sorry your GP is wrong . Whether you are a normal delivery , forceps or even section it should all be healed by 6 weeks (as in where you were cut has healed back together on the outside )

It does not take longer for a cut to heal because of a forceps delivery

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 31/05/2020 13:42

Both my deliveries were assisted with forceps and episiotomies. Your experience doesn't sound at all normal to me, sorry.

BadgersAreReal · 31/05/2020 14:11

It's also totally normal to feel the way you are, even without the physical healing. Some people have sex after 6 weeks, some after 6 months and some even longer than that. Just wait until you are ready and comfortable, any decent husband will support you until you get there.

But as other have said, you should see your GP asap about your episiotomy.

Jeleste · 31/05/2020 15:01

I had it twice and it was fully healed (closed) after the 6 weeks. I would have it checked if the wound is still open now.
The first time it was always painful to have sex at first and later on uncomfortable. It never felt normal. I had it checked several times, but was always told it has healed fine.
I felt discomfort until my second was born. After the second birth it healed better i think, because it went back to normal within a few months.

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