Should I be wary?

[sarahlongandtall4]

Have had a couple of social distanced lockdown dates and skype chats. The guy seems straightforward and nice, good sense of humour etc and we seem to be on the same page about a lot of stuff... Also I dont know him too well yet...

He wants to see me again and I did too but some comments have me a bit wary...

1. Seems to care less than I do about social issues - quite right wing whereas I am very left - he appears to not have much of an opinion on positive discrimination in the workplace for women (his role is senior in a male dominated industry, same one as Im in - so its important!), gay rights (he supports them but doesn't seem bothered about actively progressing the issue), social sustainability etc etc
2. Made an odd comment about a woman in the news - said his sister had sent him a photo of her campaigning in admittedly an unflattering outfit and he commented to me, why would you wear that on a day you were going to have lots of photos taken?! Just made me think hmm - do you judge women by appearances then...

To caveat, it is lockdown, he is isolating by himself, it is a weird time and he is nice in other ways. Also I do not know him yet and seems like he is a very blunt/frank speaker so there may be hidden context behind some of this; he seems to have pulled himself up by the bootstraps so to speak in life i.e. had a difficult childhood/not privileged and got himself very secure which I admire.

Unsure whether to progress through - from past experience it has always been a mistake to get involved with people with radically different views from my own - he is aware of mine and seems to respect them, I am a little unsure though

from past experience it has always been a mistake to get involved with people with radically different views from my own

If it has ALWAYS been a mistake then don't expect anything different this time.

To be fair it has been a sample size of two! I guess I am interested to see whether anyone has been pleasantly surprised or what others' take would be on this

I couldn't date someone with right wing views.

Errrmmm you don't sound compatible on v core issues.

If he is blunt and straight talking then you know where you are at - there is “no hidden context”.

You said this approach was a mistake in the past - good observation - so why unsure to put your experience into practice?

Are you a polite people pleaser - because you seem to have a clear assessment of him and what is important to you (not a suitable BF) but you then go on to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) as a way of trying to blunt your feelings and make yourself find him tolerable.

Do you think he will change? Or are your values not held v strong and easily compromised?

What did you want from the thread - for people to say “Those views wouldn’t bother me - don’t be so precious / lefty. Ignore all your niggles - hang on to a man at any cost”

I think at heart, yes, I am wondering if he will change and how deeply held these issues are to him / why he feels that way. We have only touched the surface on the topics so barely discussed.

No, not a people pleaser, certainly not in this context, and would ever actively enter into a relationship with someone whose views I couldnt respect of get onboard with.

In other ways (long term goals/visions/dreams/outlook) we seem very similar and have a similar sense of humour, he is easy to talk to, seems to work in other ways.

Do I just end things now or take the time to get to know him better and understand his world view a bit better? Obviously if it is like this in every aspect then I won't be able to pursue anything as we are not a match. I am just intrigued to see if there are any nuances to his views etc and how receptive he is to seeing the other side of the argument...

Odd that you posed this as a question...

Just made me think hmm - do you judge women by appearances then...

When the answer is “Yes - he does judge women by appearances” - because those were the actual real live facts happening in front of you in words, actions and behaviours. You are denying or minimising what actually happened - why?

And IME blunt, straight talkers don’t change - their views are not nuanced and they are not open to seeing the other side of an argument. You have most likely seen and heard him at his most polite and neutral.

@Gutterton - primarily for several reasons:

• people say all sorts of things out of nerves especially when dating, I know I do
• sometimes felt like he was talking to me completely unfiltered like "one of the guys" (this could be out of nerves, isolating and not seeing friends, any number of reasons...)
• if we all judged every one of our friends & family on isolated stupid comments, it would be unlikely we would continue with any of these relationships

Having said that, my eyes are wide open, I guess I am just willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and dig a little deeper to confirm my thoughts... If that makes sense?

If those are issues are this significant for you, then yes it's a problem.
To me, personally, they'd not be an issue. He made an observation about someone's attire.
He's not that affected by gay/women rights. Not that big a deal. My issue would be if he arrogant enough to anticipate that longterm partner equals him doing f all at home...

Why would you want someone who filters what they say to you?

Unfiltered is who he is - if what you see suits you or is tolerable - then that’s fine of course.

I don't judge women by appearances but I know a dodgy outfit when I see one and so do you, obviously ('admittedly an unflattering outfit').

Alarm bells are ringing in your head. Why are you ignoring them and doubting yourself?

Having said that, my eyes are wide open, I guess I am just willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and dig a little deeper to confirm my thoughts... If that makes sense?

It only makes sense if you enjoy wasting your time. You're not suited for each other, just accept it and move on.