Spark

[onemoresmartie]

Interested to hear what people mean when they say there was no spark but I'm a nice girl

I look exactly like my pictures. I said I was a size 12/14 and we laughed about putting on some lock down pounds so he was fully aware what he was meeting.

I feel so down today, we got on really well on our 2m social distance walk and then he said this.....

I know that no one can read minds but it's knocked me massively

Really, don't worry about this. Sometimes you can have all the right ingredients and still not feel a spark.

Don't you ever meet guys and think objectively that they are good looking, and nice pleasant people, but still not "fancy" them? It's just that missing thing that you can't put your finger on.

Saying that, I sometimes think people can grow on you, so it seems a bit hasty after one date.

Yeah I am quite reserved but I am if I don't know people and this was the first time we had met after a couple of weeks chatting.

I honestly don't think I was any different in real life than I am and we chatted non stop so it wasn't awkward or anything, all very odd

It means he thought you seemed a nice person but that he didn't fancy you.

This happens to everyone. It happens to stick thin people too. It isn't about your size.

Listen. A photograph only gives so much information about whether you could ever be attracted to a person. There is something about mannerisms, the face in motion, the way that someone moves, that all plays a part. Plus pheromones etc that work on a subconscious level.

You just weren't a good fit, that's all.

The hotels thing was a red flag! He hadn’t even met you at that point.
Honestly though, don’t get upset about the spark thing. It’s not looks-related. I am a seasoned online dater and in recent years I have only felt the spark once, and that was with someone who I almost swiped no to cos I wasn’t sure he was my type looks-wise. Another guy I dated for a while was one of the most handsome men I have ever seen but there was no spark no matter how much I hoped there would be.
I think if there had been a spark on this date you would have felt it too. To me, telling someone there was no spark is just a way of saying the date was nice/fine but I’m just not feeling it. If he didn’t like your looks he wouldn’t have met you in the first place if your photos are accurate.
Don’t get hung up on a man who seemed strange! As pp said, at least he didn’t ghost you! Keep dating but remember OLD is tough if you don’t have super high self-esteem.

You could be the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and still not every man on earth is going to 'fancy' you. For example, I think Beyonce is absolutely beautiful. But I've heard more than one man say yes, she is very good looking on paper, but they don't find her sexually attractive.

Not everybody does it for everybody else.

@ChippyPickledEggs

I didn't think of it like that. Thank you

@Lampan

There was quite a few red flags when we were talking, the hotels he couldn't wait to take me to, the weekends away etc

I try not to discount people but I do have a habit of ignoring red flags to give people the benefit of the doubt

Definitely onwards and upwards!
I’ve never had a guy tell me there’s no spark, it’s a really odd thing to say when you’ve only met once? If the conversation is going well, you’ve dressed up nicely and you’re flirting, what more can you do? Very weird bloke. Find yourself a normal guy who would appreciate meeting you.

‘No spark’ usually means lack of attraction even if you seemed to get on well. The staying in touch as friends is just politeness. I wouldn’t analyse it too much.

I can understand this op. I have never felt that elusive 'spark' on a first date as for me, the 'spark' has to be about more than looks and I don't feel I know someone ell enough after one date to make that call. I guess i know if I absolutely am not attracted to someone but usually, if I've gone to the effort of meeting up with them, I know there is a good chance I will like them.

Last year, I chatted with a guy online for a few weeks and he was giving it all the 'when we meet up I'm going to kiss you', 'we're going to get on so well', etc and as soon as I got out of the car on the first (and only) date, I could tell he made his mind up that he didn't fancy me. My photos were also all recent, etc.

Turns out he was dull as dishwater in the flesh anyway so I wasn't too disappointed when I got the 'I don't think you're what I'm looking for' text when I got home! I was surprised I even got the text as it was so obvious there was no spark there.

I also dated a guy who, after our first date, I thought he was a nice guy but didn't feel a massive spark and assumed he felt the same but he texted me later to say he'd really like to see me again, so I did and we dated for 5 lovely months.

Maybe your guy just wasn't prepared to give it that second date to see if the spark developed, which is a shame but better than wasting your time I guess.

Sometimes, things just don't translate from paper (or online) to real life and there's no obvious reason for it.

Also, I'm not much of a flirt with people I don't know so maybe that outs some men off but I like to make sure there's something there more than physical attraction.

I always think "the spark" is about chemistry. When you were together was their sexual tension? etc. It's a bit difficult when you have to stay 2 m apart at all time's.

I really wouldn't take this to mean he was attracted to you; or that there was something wrong with you. The thing is; chemistry is either there or it's not .

I also had one date with a guy, got on well but neither of us felt it. He said it would be nice to stay friends as we lived near each other but I've never seen or heard from him again and I'm quite glad. I think it's just something you say to be polite!

Sounds like you need to spend a bit of time showing up your self esteem. Automatically assuming it’s your size (and 12/14 isn’t exactly big), not eating for a day, still meeting up with people even if you thought they seemed ‘weird’ and were displaying red flags. None of that sounds particularly healthy.

I did a lot of online dating on and off for about 6 years. I’m bigger than you. I met plenty of guys who couldn’t get enough of me and plenty who either ghosted or sent the crushing ‘thanks but no spark’ message afterwards. I’m sure for some of the ones not interested it might have been they’d prefer someone a bit skinnier, but like you my pictures were honest and my success/rejection rate was no different to my far slimmer friends. There were plenty of perfectly nice, attractive men I didn’t want to pursue things with either - for all kinds of reasons. And plenty of horror shows as well, though the least said on those the better!

Personally if I got on with someone and there were no obvious red flags I’d always be up for a second date - simply because I don’t really believe in the ‘spark’ thing - I think getting on, having stuff to talk about and thinking you wouldn’t be averse to another evening in their company is a spark, or as much of one as you’re going to get after an hour or two making small talk with a stranger anyway. But I do think a lot of people (and I think mainly men though may be wrong) have a bit of a kid in a sweet shop mentality with online dating and all the many apps - they can see it that they have hundreds of women available a mere swipe away, and so unless someone knocks them totally off their feet they continually think they can find ‘better’. That’s not true of everyone I know, but I’ve certainly met many with that approach.

I know I had to take breaks from dating - sometimes long ones - when I felt it was affecting my self esteem and getting me down. Please do consider it if you ever feel like not eating because of some daft bloke again!

@AliasGrape said it much better than me!

Personally if I got on with someone and there were no obvious red flags I’d always be up for a second date - simply because I don’t really believe in the ‘spark’ thing - I think getting on, having stuff to talk about and thinking you wouldn’t be averse to another evening in their company is a spark, or as much of one as you’re going to get after an hour or two making small talk with a stranger anyway.

He likes you as a friend, but does not want a relationship with you.
Personally if he wasn't already in my life I'd see it as just one of those things and move on.

At least he said it straight up and didn't lead you on.

I'd been in a relationship with a man for six months, meeting up every weekend, sleeping together - when he told me he would never fall in love with me as there was 'no spark'.

Didn't stop him shagging me though, did it?

Op I think you're taking this way to personally and perhaps need to try and find ways to increase your self confidence.

He basically didn't fancy you and was being polite as possible about it. It is more likely you will NOT feel a spark when you meet than you will hence it being a numbers game.

People fancy who they fancy - it doesn't mean you're not a good catch, unattractive or a horrible person.

Chin up :)

I think everyone is right, after I've had time to digest I definitely took it to heart, rejection isn't nice but I have to remember that I have a lot to offer and I know I'm a good person so it's his loss ultimately

I didn't massively fancy him but I go more on a connection than physical appearance but he obviously doesn't and that's fine

If we were all the same it would be boring aye 😊