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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can he change or is this over?

5 replies

JustBeingMoi · 28/05/2020 08:32

So after months, if not years of marriage issues, my husband is at his parents after I refused to continue living this way. The way I see it, we have two choices, to end the relationship, or to try one last time. If I went with the second choice, I would need to see him addressing properly many of his issues, that have lead to this, namely his anger and attitude towards me which has seen him increasingly shout, swear, call me names and generally treat me like cr*p. This wasnt the case for our whole relationship, but certainly since our daughter arrived 2.5 years ago, perhaps since I got pregnant.

My question is, can he change? He has said he will get some counselling, but he said that before, the last time I asked him to leave the home and it didn't materialise. I am not confident things can change, and at 31, how long can I justify waiting around to see if it does? We were happy once, but honestly I feel like I have lost my husband, only to have him replaced with a stranger. Perhaps I didnt notice some of the issues before we had children, or maybe having children exacerbated issues that were already there.

The only emotion he seems to show to me is anger. If he is sad, stressed, tired, frustrated, it just comes out as angry, and I don't want that for the rest of my life. I know some people will ask if I'm that unhappy why am I even asking the question, but is isn't that simple! Any thoughts, experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
blubberball · 28/05/2020 08:38

He has to want to change. Is he ever sorry, or ashamed of his behaviour? Does he regret treating you this way and genuinely want help?

JustBeingMoi · 28/05/2020 08:40

@blubberball I'm honestly not sure. It certainly never seems it. I have told him that all that behaviour has to stop now. He says he can do that, but I have asked him before and he didnt manage too then. And if it is as simple as turning it off, why would you turn it on in the first place.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2020 08:40

He needs to remain at his parents house. BTW what is their relationship like?

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. AM courses too are no answer to domestic violence which is also what you are describing here. If you have not as yet contacted Womens Aid I would suggest you do so asap. It may also be an idea for you to seek legal advice re separation; this is not something you need to act on straight away of course but knowledge here is power.

Its over because he is and has been abusive towards you (and in turn your child). Abusive men do not all walk around with abuser written on their forehead and abuse too is insidious in its onset.

Pregnancy and birth are two flashpoints for such volatile men to try and exert more power and control over their victims. It would also do your DD no favours whatsoever to see this type of dynamic as she is growing up. This is what he is really like and such men do not readily change if at all, it would take a lot more than six sessions. He will merely default to type if you were to get back with him. Do not do that to yourself or for that matter your DD.

blubberball · 28/05/2020 08:46

Yeah, I agree. Sounds like it's over. It's just a toxic environment for all concerned.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/05/2020 09:46

Sounds like it's over. You've been here before, by the sounds of it. What made it 'not over' then and what has changed?

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