OH won't move from 130k ex council house

[worried04070]

I've been with my DP for 9 years one DD who is 6. OH has always been very funny with money he now earns 6 figures and has done for the past 2 years but won't move on from our 130k ex council house we have been to see lots of houses lots under budget.
He accuses me of wanting to ride on his coat tails all I want is a house with a down stairs loo and in a nicer area I've had to look after DD while OH was working away 5 days out of 7 he's bought sports cars, designer clothes while my earnings took a hit as my job has unsocial hours.
Is it unreasonable to want to live in a nice house if you have the means to do so?

[Sleepingboy]

Do you have a job?

[worried04070]

Yes I have a job.

[Starcup]

The vast majority of the population don’t earn a third of what he must earn- so of course you’re not expecting too much to want to move to a bigger house with more indoor and outdoor space, more private and something you would like to live in if you had the choice/chance. Who wouldn’t? Also thinking about school catchment areas.

Chances are you’re not going to get many people on that kind of wage living in such a modest house. Some people might be happy and that’s fair enough but you could argue the toss every time anyone buys a bigger and more expensive house....

[worried04070]

Some DIY last year the front garden looks like a tip, it's very big asked OH about doing the drive and he doesn't want to as he said it's too expensive feels unfair for me to fork out £1000s of my income while he swans about buying a new macbook and iPhone.
We put offers in on 2 houses for him to withdraw and say he's changed his mind.

[LexMitior]

So you were getting married but now not?

You were going to buy a house but now not

You were going to get the drive sorted but now not

What connects all of these? Him paying more: I wonder if he’s being honest with you about the future.

[CoachBombay]

So you are planning to marry a man, that does not even consider compromise on any financial spend.

And you want to be with him till death us do part being told "no" to every reasonable request 😳

I'd get, I want a million pound mansion, no I don't want to spend more than 200k , so you meet in the middle at 500k. But just "no"....nah, that wouldn't work for me.

[Opentooffers]

You are a bit up the creak in a way with this arrangement, is he involved much in the care or life of your DC, or does he leave the parenting all to you as well as paying for it all? It sounds like he still wants to lead the single life, and to a degree you are letting him.
He's renaeging on any plans that could possibly tie him more financially to you. I'm sorry, but it's unlikely that he sees you as a permanent couple. He wants to keep his options open and if this attitude, and change of plans, are a recent switch I'd guess he's already had his head turned.

[Opentooffers]

The sports cars and designer suits are for making him look more attractive to others/another. They aren't for looking good parked outside his ex council house and are not practical for ferrying around your DD.
He also has ample opportunity working away for days at a time. The only saving grace is that it's likely kept you independent all these years while he's been so unsupportive. So much so that you probably will manage fine without him and even more so as he's kept you on a tight budget so you don't have material trappings to miss.

[famousforwrongreason]

I don't know how important it is for you to move but if he has all the nice things and you don't and you're supposed to be a partnership then something is wrong

[copycopypaste]

So if you have no mortgage you're probably paying out more than he is for family life too. He sounds a peach .

[PrimeroseHillAnnie]

I would be very careful about extending your finances in the current climate. The future is very uncertain.

[Takingontheworld]

He sounds like a fucking controlling prick. So you get to stall your career, do all the childcare and pay for everything for the child and he thinks you're riding on his coat tails. Jesus Christ. He is entitled and thinks very little of you clearly.

Don't marry this fucker. Leave and have some self respect. Get your generous CSA so he is forced to have some responsibility for his own child and go and live happily ever after knowing you aren't bound to someone who thinks he got to where he is without any help.


Was the council house yours originally?

[madcatladyforever]

So it's ok for him to have everything he wants and all of the boys toys but his family can't have anything nice.
He sounds like a selfish, mean, prick who hasn't grown up and doesn't want his family to have the best.
I coudn't live with someone like that because I already did that for 20 years and nothing changed the whole of that tme.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I am clutching desperately at straws here, but could you list the things that are wrong with the place you currently live for your DC, rather than for you? Assume a downstairs loo would make it easier for them to access during the day and mean no potty hanging around in the hall. Would they like a bigger bedroom as they get older, or a playroom, or a garden that's more secure to play in? What if they'd like to get a dog when they are older, would the garden be secure enough?

I actually think he's a dick who's all about the 'flash cash' that people can see. Unless he invites lots of workmates home, nobody can see his house. They can all see his expensive car and posh suits.

[edwinbear]

As a contractor, in the current climate, his employment situation is vulnerable, so I can understand him not wanting to take on a larger mortgage at the moment.

[Coffeecak3]

He just doesn't want to spend money on you or your dd. He'll never change.
We had a neighbour like this, first it was a registry office wedding as cheap as possible, then it was only buying halves in the pub, only going on the cheapest package holiday. Eventually his wife left him and he married a widow with money.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Well he’s shown you where he’s priorities lie hasn’t he? He wants enough disposable income to buy expensive cars and phones and isn’t interested in the house as it sounds like he spends most of his time away from it.

[Badoukas]

I'm a bit concerned that you and your child will end up living in the current ex CH and your partner will go off and treat himself to a nice swanky pad. It feels like he sees himself and his money as totally separate from you, hasn't really committed to the idea of a proper partnership etc.

[peonyfairy03]

My first husband was like this we lived in a small house 2 DC 2 bedrooms didn’t want to move or do anything to house he was very controlling with money I was a SAHM his choice so he got to further his career. We split He took house from me long horrible divorce I came of worse due to his lies he bought a new house much bigger 5 beds new cars ect new women better area it transpired he just didn’t want to move forward with me.

[onedayinthefuture]

Ex council houses don't have the kerb appeal in the main but aside from that, many are better built than the 700k houses in my area with much larger gardens with more scope to improve and extend. But I think there are other issues with your partner.

[KnockDownNinjas]

How well do you actually know his finances OP?
He's made 6 figures for the past 2 years. That's not necessarily reliable income as a contractor.
What was the change that led to it and is it sustainable?
What proportion would you contribute to the mortgage payments?
Living below your means is generally pretty sensible and an iPhone or MacBook is a drop in the bucket compared to a mortgage. I could get a macbook a month for the mortgage I pay on my one bedroom flat. I assume you're going for something bigger.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I suspect its move along time here he is showing you your future he is king you get to support the king

Is he paying proportionate to his earnings? He earns 75%more he should contribute more? Or does he just get to keep his money for sports cars?